Honey, I really think we need to have a serious talk about your attitude. I just dont understand why you insist on being so negative all the time. I mean, take this Petition for Divorce that you just sent me. Its oozing with negativity from page one. Hell, look at the way it starts:
"1. By and through this petition, Petitioner BRENDA ECKHARDT, an adult citizen of Essex County, seeks a divorce and a permanent order of protection against Respondent DENNIS J. ECKHARDT, on the grounds of adultery, physical abuse, bigamy, public humiliation, animal cruelty, and attempted murder.
You see, right from the get-go you focus on all the bad stuff. Its like you want everyone who reads this to think I some kind of scary guy. But we both know theres a lot more to me than banging babysitters and clocking you in the face.
I mean, come on now, honey bigamy? Weve been over that one like a gazillion times. You know I never considered Lisa to be a regular wife. I only married her because she was pregnant, and I remembered how bad you felt for your friend Tina when her husband had a kid with that woman from his job. You kept saying that you couldnt imagine the shame of having a husband who had an illegitimate child I only married Lisa to spare you that shame! But now you and this lawyer of yours are trying to turn it around into something negative. Id be lying if I said I wasnt a little hurt by that.
And then theres the part in paragraphs 32 and 33 about your supposed public humiliation:
32. On or about July 17, 2003, after a night of binge drinking, respondent DENNIS J. ECKHARDT returned home with several intoxicated friends. With the help of at least two of these friends, Respondent attempted to create a videotape showing Respondent flatulating in Petitioners face while she slept.
33. However, Respondent apparently misjudged the fullness of his lower intestine and sprayed several pieces of fecal matter onto the face and neck of Petitioner. Respondent later uploaded a video clip of this incident onto an Internet web site entitled www.shitsandgiggles.com. As of the date of this Petition, said video clip was still available for viewing by the public.
Now you know thats not the whole story. You didnt mention the two hundred bucks that the website paid us for the video, and how at least three of those dollars were spent on those tampons you supposedly needed (even though we had several rolls of paper towels at home). But I guess those details didnt fit too well in this little hatchet job of yours, huh? I guess youre just committed to seeing the glass as half-empty.
It's not like she KNEW she was a cum rag.
Why else would you call what happened with Pebbles animal cruelty? I mean, yes, I guess its technically true that I utilized Petitioners pet dog to remove semen from the chest of a woman with whom Respondent had engaged in sexual intercourse. And yes, that adulterous encounter occurred in the bed that Respondent shared with Petitioner while Petitioner was in the hospital receiving treatment for the genital herpes transmitted to her by Respondent.
But, come on lets be fair about this. First of all, I only spunked on her rack because I didnt want to knock her up and have you end up like Tina (see above). So once again, my actions were motivated by my respect for you. And once I blew my load I couldnt just leave it on her that would have been disrespectful to the sanctity of our home! I had to wipe it off her, and the only two things available were Pebbles and your nightgown and I know how much you love that nightgown.
So if you want to focus on the downside, go ahead and call my using your dog as a cum rag animal cruelty. But I and most normal people who dont look at life through shit-colored glasses call it respecting my wife and respecting her favorite nightgown. (And honestly, honey, did you really need to italicize the part about me giving you genital herpes? I mean, you took the Valtrex and it cleared up pretty good. Cant we just move on?).
Finally, theres this part at the end about how on or about September 19, 2004, Respondent became severely intoxicated after losing a football bet. In his drunken stupor, Respondent mistook Petitioner for placekicker Sebastian Janikowski of the Oakland Raiders, who earlier in the day had missed a 37-yard field goal attempt that resulted in the Raiders failure to cover the spread.
64. Enraged by the loss of his $300 wager, Respondent forced Petitioner to remove all her clothes and then proceeded to spray-paint Janikowskis jersey number (11) onto Petitioners naked torso. Respondent then forced Petitioner at gunpoint to stand in front of the couples garage door during a hailstorm while Respondent placed logs of firewood on a tee and kicked them at Petitioner as he shouted, Take that, you fat Polack!
65. Angered by his inability to hit Petitioner with any of the logs, Respondent then discharged his firearm several times in Petitioners direction. After emptying the ammunition cartridge of his gun, Respondent hurled the weapon towards Petitioner and collapsed on the ground.
Admit it, there's a resemblance.
Alright, I suppose you got me on that one.
But the rest of this thing is just so unfair. For the sake of your own happiness, I really think you need to start looking at the bright side of life and stop playing the blame game.
Maybe when you stop being Polly Pessimist, youll be able to see things as they really are -- and maybe then youll realize that everything that went wrong in our marriage was your fault.
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tramadol 2FFOsVTZH3 Posted: 8/11/2006by: 2FFOsVTZH3 rZFazyGG5Vpsw 8HYiCBXD7y5 4yw9ZUw1qCFybu How did I miss it? Posted: 10/24/2005by: a.c. I just stumbled on this article today thanks to a link on the main page. I have no idea how I have missed it. I had almost given up on this site in the past few weeks. Thank you so much for a hilarious article! Thank You Posted: 10/17/2005by: Ben It has been so long since I read such a funny article, I almost forgot what they looked like.
Respondent then forced Petitioner at gunpoint to stand in front of the couples garage door during a hailstorm while Respondent placed logs of firewood on a tee and kicked them at Petitioner as he shouted, Take that, you fat Polack!
This shit is hilarious changing of the guard... Posted: 10/17/2005by: deuce sanford, you have bested the striped shirt article in my humble opinion. look at what i miss by having a daughter last week.
good stuff guy. Superb! Posted: 10/16/2005by: Karl Hungas My brother just turned me onto to this site a week ago, so this is just like 4th article ive read, but sweet lord is it not the best! Viva la Sanford! incredible Posted: 10/14/2005by: Dave C. One of the 5-10 best pieces I've read on TPP--focused, hilarious, and very well written. nice job. Stu Posted: 10/14/2005by: Rob Sanford This is the second time you've accused me of rigging the votes on one of my own articles. As I told you last time, I don't know how to remove cookies or whatever you're supposed to do to be able to vote again and I only voted once.
I obviously didn't rig the voting when one of my other articles notched a 3.36 and I'm not doing it now, so maybe what "smells fishy" to you is just your mom's tang -- tell her to put her pants back on. High Rating Posted: 10/14/2005by: Stu Funny, but not the 4th best ever on this site. Something smells fishy.
