There’s a phenomenon in the world of sports. It happens when a certain player/coach/team is OWNED by another player/coach/team. It happens quite a bit, and in some unexpected places (a good example is Ken Griffey Jr. being completely OWNED by Paul Assenmacher). We’ve seen two more good examples of ownership in the last couple of weeks; the White Sox OWNED the Indians, for one, and the referees OWNED the Baltimore Ravens last weekend, for another.
In that spirit, here are thirteen notable examples of ownership in sports. Obviously this is just the tip of the iceberg, and this quasi-list is constrained by my usual Ohio provincialism, as well as my utter lack of knowledge of anything besides football, baseball, and a little bit of basketball. Hopefully you’ll be reasonably entertained, though.
Thanks to Owned.com for the small measure of inspiration. As usual, this list is in no particular order.
Owned 1930s Chicago Cubs Owned By 1930s New York Yankees
The Yankees and Cubs met twice in the World Series during the decade of the 1930s, in 1932 and ’38. Both Series ended with four-game Yankee sweeps. New York outhit Chicago .294 to .248; outhomered them 13-5; outscored them 59-28; and won every game by at least a two-run margin. The 1932 World Series also featured Babe Ruth’s "called shot", maybe the biggest punking of an entire team ever by an individual player. The Yankees have beaten a lot of teams. During the Depression, they OWNED the Cubs.
Owned John Cooper Owned By Michigan
The funny thing was, Coop’s last game as the head coach at Arizona State was in the Rose Bowl, against Michigan. The really funny thing was that his team won that game, 22-15. But when he got to Ohio State, Cooper completely forgot about how to beat Michigan. If Cooper had a mediocre team… he lost to Michigan. If Cooper had a team in the Top Five… he lost to Michigan. Three times Cooper’s OSU teams went into the Michigan game undefeated, against Wolverine teams with at least three losses, and lost. In 1993, the Buckeyes went to Ann Arbor unbeaten, needing a win to go to the Rose Bowl, and got skull-fucked, 28-0. In ’95 Ohio State again went to Ann Arbor undefeated, boasting a Heisman Trophy winner in Eddie George, and Tim Biakabatuka ran for about 827 yards to beat the Buckeyes 31-23. In ’96 Ohio State was 11-0, ranked second, and were a 17-point favorite at home against a 6-4 Michigan team, and lost again, 13-9. John Cooper went 2-10-1 against the Maize and Blue as Ohio State’s coach, which goes a long way toward explaining why, well, he isn’t Ohio State’s coach anymore. Things were so bad that when Ohio State eeked out a 13-13 sister-kisser against the Wolverines in 1992, OSU President Gordon Gee referred to the game as one of (the school’s) greatest victories. Wow! Talk about being OWNED!
Owned Detroit Lions Owned By Road Games at Washington
Did you know that the Lions have never won a game in Washington? That’s never. And it isn’t as if the Lions and Redskins are expansion teams. Hell, Detroit has been making road trips to Washington since 1939. And in all that time the Lions still haven’t figured out a way to win there. In fact, Detroit is 0-20 at Washington, including three lopsided playoff losses. The schedule hasn’t worked out in favor of the Lions in this case either; Detroit won three NFL Championships during the decade of the ‘50s, during which the Redskins were among the dregs of football; yet Detroit made just one trip to the capital that decade, in 1956. The Lions lost, 18-17. The Lions don’t have the Redskins on the schedule this year, so their quest to stopped being OWNED in DC is going to have to wait until 2006, at least.
Owned Cleveland Cavaliers Owned By Michael Jordan
MJ’s single-game high of 69 points came against the Cavaliers in March 1990. His 45.2 ppg average against the Cavaliers in the 1988 first round is still the second-highest average in NBA Playoff history. And not once, but twice, Jordan knocked the Cavaliers out of the playoffs with buzzer-beating shots- both times in the old Richfield Coliseum. Craig Ehlo is his eternal punch line. Christ, this guy just fucking killed us. I remember when he was set to retire in 1998, and people were getting all weepy; “Whatever will we DO without the Great MJ???” Count me in as one fan that was happy as hell to see him vanish over the horizon. Because MJ just straight up OWNED the Cavaliers.
Owned Oakland Athletics Owned By Division Series
How loaded were the early ‘aughts Oakland Athletics? Giambi… Tejada… Chavez… Mulder… Hudson… Zito… those teams were stacked. Yet for all that talent, Oakland simply couldn’t find it within themselves to get out of the first freakin’ round of the playoffs. The Athletics were the kings of setting themselves up to win, then falling on their faces. In 2000, they had the decisive Game Five at home, coughed up six runs in the first, and lost to the Yankees 7-5. In 2001, they opened the Division Series with two wins in Yankee Stadium, needed one win to take the series, had Games Three and Four at Oakland, and still lost. In 2002 they were up two games to one over a decidedly inferior Minnesota team, and ended up losing the series. In 2003 they won the first two games over Boston… and lost the series. Making matters worse, the Athletics during this period always seemed to be the hottest team in baseball going into the ALDS, and they still couldn’t win three measly games when they had to. OWNED.
Owned Marty Schottenheimer Owned By John Elway
Schottenheimer’s teams went 8-13 against Elway and the Broncos during the regular season, which, while decidedly unimpressive, isn’t all that bad. The real problem is that Schottenheimer is 0-3 lifetime against Horseface in the playoffs, which really is all that bad, especially since on two of those occasions Marty was at home, and his team had the best record in the conference. In fact, Elway spring boarded to legendary status on the back of Marty with The Drive, a horrifying occurrence that long-remembering Browns fans (like Yours Truly) like to blame on Marty coming with a prevent defense which, as we all know, only prevents victory.
Owned Alonzo Mourning Owned By Dennis Rodman
Owned
I could easily replace Rodman’s name with “the Chicago Bulls”. But it seemed to me that it was the Rodmanian who enjoyed exclusive, sole ownership of Mourning during the late ‘90s, when the Bulls were doing annual hospital jobs on the Heat during the Eastern Conference Playoffs. Remember Rodman making funny faces at ‘Zo while they stood next to each other along the lane? ‘Zo hated that. Not long after being humiliated by the meanies from Chicago, Mourning took to employing his fellow Georgetown grad Patrick Ewing’s favored response to being slapped down by the Bulls- coming up with recurring “injuries” and spending the bulk of his time seated on the end of the bench in an expensive suit and glasses sans lenses.
Owned Greg Norman Owned By Augusta National
Let’s see. There was 1986, when the Shark had the lead on Sunday but got run down by Jack Nicklaus’s unconscious 30 on the back nine. There was 1987, when Norman got beat in a playoff by a miraculous chip-in by Larry Mize (who?). There was 1989, when all he had to was save par on 18 to tie Nick Faldo and Scott Hoch and force a playoff, and he bogeyed the last hole. And of course, there was 1996, when Norman went into Sunday with a six-stroke lead then melted down to finish second behind Faldo again. Greg Norman is one hell of a golfer. But Augusta National has just OWNED his ass.
Owned 1970s Buffalo Bills Owned By 1970s Miami Dolphins
Granted, the Dolphins were a better team throughout the ‘70s than the Bills- in fact, Miami had a better record than Buffalo in every single year of the decade. Even with that having been said, the utter head-to-head domination of the Bills by the Dolphins in the Me Decade approaches ridiculous. Ten years, 20 games, and Miami won every single one. Blowouts, nailbiters- every way you can think of, the Dolphins got the better of the Bills in the ‘70s, to the tune of twenty victories and zero defeats. O.J.? Fuck you. Joe Ferguson? Fuck you. Bobby Chandler (RIP)? Fuck you too, with all due respect. You were all OWNED.
Owned Odessa High Owned By Odessa Permian
Readers of “Friday Night Lights”, residents of West Texas, and avid followers of 5A High School Football in the Lone Star State are aware of the Permian-Odessa High “rivalry”, such as it is. The red-clad Bronchos defeated Permian 13-0 in the last week of the 1964 regular season. They would not defeat their cross-town neighbors again until the fourth week of the 1997 season, when Odessa High edged Permian 20-17. In between, Mojo ruled- to the tune of a 30-1-1 record. Permian pitched the same amount of shutouts in this streak as Ferris Bueller’s absences- nine. Odessa High’s one “win” over Permian in this period, in 1993, is in the books as a 1-0 forfeit. In other words, Permian kicked Odessa High’s ass as usual but had the win taken away due to malfeasance in its athletic department. The Bronchos also scratched out a 14-14 sister-kisser against the Panthers during the 1980 season. But in all, 29 successive classes of football players passed through the halls of Odessa High without knowing what it was like to beat Permian. Sad. OWNED.
Owned Peyton Manning Owned By Bill Belichick
Since the beginning of the 2001 season, Peyton Manning is 0-6 against Belichick’s Patriots, including consecutive ugly losses in the AFC Playoffs. It hasn’t just been the harsh New England weather playing tricks on Manning; two of his losses to the Patriots have come in the climate-controlled comfort of the RCA Dome. The Colts cried their way into rules-changes after their receivers were mauled by New England’s DBs in the ’03 AFC Championship Game… and it still didn’t matter. Last year, Manning took his record-shattering passing attack into Foxboro for the Divisional Playoffs and came away without so much as a touchdown, as the Patriots dominated, 20-3. You know those annoyed expressions, those extended-arms gestures Manning gives when he fucks up? He’s done that a lot against the Patriots these last few years. They’ve OWNED him.
Owned Buffalo Owned By Dallas
I don’t like nailing Buffalo twice in this piece. After all, my second rule as a sports fan is
If it does no harm to a Cleveland team, always root for Buffalo.
But the fact is, Dallas has demonstrated ownage of Buffalo every time the two cities have met in championship play. The Cowboys and Bills are the only two teams to meet in back-to-back Super Bowls. The Bills went 0-2 in the matchup and were outscored 82-30- an average score of 41-15. The Dallas Stars also defeated the Buffalo Sabres in six games in the 1999 Stanley Cup Finals. The Stars clinched the Cup on an in-the-crease goal by Brett Hull that was allowed to stand, even though it was clearly illegal by the rules of the time. As inexplicable as it seems to this flatlander, the gods favor Dallas over the plucky Capital of the Snowbelt. Dallas even has Buffalo owned in the Presidential Assassinations competition; the JFK mystery is way more interesting than Leon Czolgosz putting a bullet into William McKinley’s fat gut from close range.
Owned Skip Bayless Owned By The Phat Phree
So Owned
I heard The Professional Hater was crying on “Cold Pizza” one morning because he got put on the Vicious Beatings list. That’s awesome. That’s so much ownership it’s sick. And I don’t care if Skip is well-known and makes a lot of money and has access to the coaches and the players and the press box, and I’m nothing but a hack postal worker with no couch or cable TV who hasn’t laid with a woman since the beginning of the Industrial Revolution and writes pro bono. We put Skip on the list. He cried like a bitch about it. We OWN his ass.
That’s just a few examples of ownership. And the usual rules apply; feel free to add your own examples, or feel free to pan mine. Peace!
Tressel and Smith Posted: 11/20/2005by: Buckeyenut you can now add Michigan getting owned by Jim Tressel and Troy Smith to the list to i'm black Posted: 10/31/2005by: deuce the peanut gallery fellatio has been entertaining, but despite their best efforts to the contrary, they are making you right. anyway, the federal response to texas was actually 1 more day longer than in NO. the local government officials (and the citizens) did their job. that was my point. its not fema's direct responsibility.
as for the CIA plame leak.. her husband consistently introduced her at parties, etc... as his "CIA wife" while she was undercover. it's documented.
my intent is not to put you in your place or whatever those folks were saying, just pointing out glaring inconsistencies and incorrect generalizations you have made. as a point, i have omitted a list of doltacrats with true rap sheets as opposed to more incorrect assumptions you've made. blow job Posted: 10/29/2005by: i'm black Dam dude!!! Wash your mouf after you suck off deuce. Hey deuce, your deductions are very insightful, but you left out two important facts.
That: 1. Texas response was right after the worst national disaster in u.s. history 2. Did you really think the home state of bushee and many of his cronies, (delay, hutchinson) was gonna let the mass suffer like the poor blacks who didn't vote for his pathetic ass. Its cool though, because the rethuglicons are going down faster than a humvee rolling over a I.E.D.
Scooter Libbey- sacrificed the lives of cia operatives and supporters Dick Cheney- sacrificed lives for halliburton Delay- money launderd Rove- see scooter libby fema- run by barn managers supreme court nominees picked from Matlock episodes The headless horsemen- George Bush- no clue on anything other than fuck everybody who didn't vote for me. Way to go america
Dam i did like 10 percent of rethuglicon cronies!!!!!!!! This is just the top.
Sincerely,
Sign of Americas Fall Owned...again Posted: 10/28/2005by: I'm black is pretty stupid (confimring sterotype) Once again, Duece puts i'm black in his place. Of course that really isn't that hard when i'm black/stupid decides to make up his arguments (assinate Plame? What the hell? Are you listening to Farkikhan or something douche wad?) about stuff that never happened, defend liars and cheats, ie Nagin and Plame's husband (who has been completely been discredited).
Oh, and the busses were ALREADY THERE and black (lazy?) Nagin didn't send them in. Scoreboard BUSH.
Face it i'm black: you're wrong, dumb and likely very unattractive. It's from poor breeding. to i'm black Posted: 10/27/2005by: deuce nagin put his own ass out on the line when he cussed out fema and "bushee" on national radio. how classy. he is the gubernatorial equivalent of ron artest. yes, us geniuses know that bussing those people was "next to impossible because of the beauracracy set in place." guess what juco? the beauracracy set in place came from billy ray nagin. ive never equated blacks to welfare. - i equated minorities to voting for democrats.. you drew the conclusion (another incorrect generalization - starting to sound familiar?) what i said was the new orleans welfare recipients are demanding handouts. the majority of them are black. its a simple fact. what would have happened to a city that wasnt a welfare state had a natural disaster occured there? oh wait.. less than one month after katrina we all witnessed what would happen when you quit demanding that somebody else should take care of you: hurricane rita.... if you need a side by side comparison here is a quick list of 5. i can do more . .
1.Texas: Productive industrious state run by Republicans. Louisiana: Government dependent welfare state run by Democrats.
2. Texas: Residents take responsibility to protect and evacuate themselves. Louisiana: Residents wait for government to protect and evacuate them.
3. Texas: Local and state officials take responsibility for protecting their citizens and property. Louisiana: Local and state officials blame federal government for not protecting their citizens and property.
4.Texas: FEMA brings in tons of food and water for evacuees. State officials provide accessible distribution points. Louisiana: FEMA brings in tons of food and water for evacuees. State officials prevent citizens from reaching distribution points and vice versa.
5. Texas: Mayors move citizens out of danger. Louisiana: Mayor moves himself and family to Dallas.
oops. look it up. Hahhaahhaahhaahahah Posted: 10/27/2005by: I'm Black Nagin put Bushee and Mike Brown ass out on the line when he cussed them out on national radio. So people dived into dudes history to find out that the only thing he's qualified to run is a Arabian horse farm. You geniuses don't even know that busing those people out was next to impossible because of the beauracracy set in place. Bush got exposed, he ain't gonna keep you safe and if you didn't vote for him you shall perish. He already tried to assinate Valerie Plame because her husband exposed his lies. Dam dude think about he tried to killa a CIA agent and everybody whose ever worked around her, because her husband said he's wrong. Wicked!!!! Dam, Don't play with a Whitey's emotion because he can get sensitive about that shit!!! Like the saying goes,"The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist". How much more bullshit must get laid at your feet to see that the rethuglicons exist and don't give a fuck about you, just there bottom line??? Question??? Laugh---Why do white people associate blacks with handouts??? Why do they associate blacks with welfare when 70 percent of the people on welfare are white! Go look it up geniuses!!
BLOWOUT Posted: 10/27/2005by: deuce owns i'm black That is the only way to describe what happened to i'm black (also known as the Skip Bayless of rhetoric). He resorts to a name calling list of conservatives (and conservative wackos) and then confuses me (and makes me laugh) with comments about how "Nagin exposed" corruption.
yeah, like not doing his job, stealing from the city to pay for pet projects (to be fair, Blanco did this too; suprisingly a female democrat) and leaving HIS OWN PEOPLE TO ROT by not sending in buses. Black on black crime is right.
I also cannot wait til an expose is done on his connection to the corrupt chief of police.
Dude, i'm black, you're OWNED. to i'm black Posted: 10/27/2005by: deuce right. if strom's maid was white and he impregnated her, he wouldnt have acknowledged it either jackass, adultery is frowned upon (even clinton -your idol - denied, denied, denied) but especially back then. but you are correct, 1 mistake far outweighs all of the good he did (as referenced in my previous post). forrest & trees, forrest & trees.
the only thing nagin has exposed, is that he is an incompetent mongoloid and a crook. and yes i am white. nobody is going to take care of me, though, and i dont expect them to - unlike yourself (you aren't from new orleans are you?) the only thing my father gave me were 2 options: 1. go to college , get an education and get a job 2. join the marines. i dont care for any politicians - they are all corrupt and have fucked somebody over to get where they are. i merely replied to the incorrect generalizations (imagine that) you made. im done with you, this superbowl has been an uninteresting blowout. Good Lord Posted: 10/26/2005by: I'm Black Dam Dudes chill!!!! Its gonna be allright. I presume your all white. Life is gonna be good to you!!!!! Calm down, the system will take care of you!!!!!! Hahahahahahhaha, you guys are pissed because Nagins exposed the Rethuglicons for what they are. Corrupt, sinister, cronistic, political mafia. Rove, Cheney, Libbey, Miller, O'Riley, Foxnews, Schwartzeneggar, Fema, Guliani and Cronies, Condogreezer Rice, and Hitler himself are all getting exposed on there asses right now.
P.S.- Dear Deuce. You left out one BIG key fact about your Idol Strom Thurmond and that is he impregnated his BLACK MAID. Oh and he never aknowledged it ever, even after civil rights. Lets definitely not leave that out!!!!!!
Tired head Posted: 10/26/2005by: i'm not black I think i'm black should have been called i'm stupid.
The minimum wage argument posted by Nash is spot on. If you went to a real school (or a real community college) then you would know this. Akron huh? Good times.
Simple fact is Dems would have us following the post WWII economic model of Kensyian economics into the toliet. Sorry man, but you may want the gov't to take care of you but I prefer being either really rich or really poor as opposed to everybody having just enough to get by. If you are not smart enough to be one of the rich, then sorry playa.
Oh, and by the way, I think a number of AFRICANS (ie the majority of tribal kings on the west coast) had an active role in the slave trade. Does it get worse then selling your own people? No. And the crusades where the white man's deal because we had actually figured out how to smelt steel for swords. The A-bomb? Well if you had any family in the Pacific and you were willing to let them storm an ISLAND in WWII that was heavily defended then you can take up the A-bomb with them, but anybody with any intelligence will tell you it likely saved tens of thousands of lives on BOTH sides you douche. And as far as the Hitler thing goes (which proves you are a moron as well as a racist) you may not like what W does (I don't either) but I haven't seen any ovens, any shops broken up or any invasions of countries without leaders that killed their own people. Maybe I just missed that.
The funny thing was, Coop’s last game as the head coach at Arizona State was in the Rose Bowl, against Michigan. The really funny thing was that his team won that game, 22-15. But when he got to Ohio State, Cooper completely forgot about how to beat Michigan. If Cooper had a mediocre team… he lost to Michigan. If Cooper had a team in the Top Five… he lost to Michigan. Three times Cooper’s OSU teams went into the Michigan game undefeated, against Wolverine teams with at least three losses, and lost. In 1993, the Buckeyes went to Ann Arbor unbeaten, needing a win to go to the Rose Bowl, and got skull-fucked, 28-0. In ’95 Ohio State again went to Ann Arbor undefeated, boasting a Heisman Trophy winner in Eddie George, and Tim Biakabatuka ran for about 827 yards to beat the Buckeyes 31-23. In ’96 Ohio State was 11-0, ranked second, and were a 17-point favorite at home against a 6-4 Michigan team, and lost again, 13-9. John Cooper went 2-10-1 against the Maize and Blue as Ohio State’s coach, which goes a long way toward explaining why, well, he isn’t Ohio State’s coach anymore. Things were so bad that when Ohio State eeked out a 13-13 sister-kisser against the Wolverines in 1992, OSU President Gordon Gee referred to the game as one of (the school’s) greatest victories. Wow! Talk about being OWNED!
How loaded were the early ‘aughts Oakland Athletics? Giambi… Tejada… Chavez… Mulder… Hudson… Zito… those teams were stacked. Yet for all that talent, Oakland simply couldn’t find it within themselves to get out of the first freakin’ round of the playoffs. The Athletics were the kings of setting themselves up to win, then falling on their faces. In 2000, they had the decisive Game Five at home, coughed up six runs in the first, and lost to the Yankees 7-5. In 2001, they opened the Division Series with two wins in Yankee Stadium, needed one win to take the series, had Games Three and Four at Oakland, and still lost. In 2002 they were up two games to one over a decidedly inferior Minnesota team, and ended up losing the series. In 2003 they won the first two games over Boston… and lost the series. Making matters worse, the Athletics during this period always seemed to be the hottest team in baseball going into the ALDS, and they still couldn’t win three measly games when they had to. OWNED.
Since the beginning of the 2001 season, Peyton Manning is 0-6 against Belichick’s Patriots, including consecutive ugly losses in the AFC Playoffs. It hasn’t just been the harsh New England weather playing tricks on Manning; two of his losses to the Patriots have come in the climate-controlled comfort of the RCA Dome. The Colts cried their way into rules-changes after their receivers were mauled by New England’s DBs in the ’03 AFC Championship Game… and it still didn’t matter. Last year, Manning took his record-shattering passing attack into Foxboro for the Divisional Playoffs and came away without so much as a touchdown, as the Patriots dominated, 20-3. You know those annoyed expressions, those extended-arms gestures Manning gives when he fucks up? He’s done that a lot against the Patriots these last few years. They’ve OWNED him.
