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As I grow older and more dashing, I tend to run into more and more single women who have had the misfortune of bearing a child. Many people are hesitant to become romantically involved with a chick with a kid. But speaking from personal experience, don’t knock it, as they say, until you’ve tried it.
Of course there’s a downside to dating a woman in this situation, namely, Corey. Obviously, children suck and should be avoided at all costs. The kid might want you to talk to it, or it might crap itself, or walk in and interrupt when his mom is giving you a killer hummer. That’s no good. Additionally, kids are generally sticky and smell like a combination of apple juice, maple syrup and piss. You also might have to pretend to like the kid in order to trick your mom-girlfriend into thinking that you’re a decent person. That means you have to take him to the zoo or do a shitty magic trick in front of him. You also might get stuck shuttling him to the hospital if he falls out of something high, because kids are always falling out of shit. All of these things are admittedly a huge pain in the ass. But the perks to dating a mom are manifold and often overlooked. Here are just a few:
Advantage 1- INSECURITY
A chick with a kid knows she’s on thin ice. She has a handicap going into the relationship. The whole kid situation turns a lot of guys off, and she knows this from experience. This has effectively lowered her standards in men, thereby admitting persons like myself and you into her realm of possible acceptable mates. Jackpot!
Another example of this sort of relationship is the Black Guy/Fat White Girl coupling that so often takes place. There is a huge misconception that black men find fat white girls somehow more attractive than slender white girls, and this myth has been perpetuated in countless movies and Fox TV shows to meager comedic effect. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. Black men don’t prefer fat girls, they just recognize that they are infinitely more attainable. The relationship is mutualistic because fat girls want to be loved and held and complimented, just like real girls do. African American men are more than willing to perform these duties so long as their efforts are repaid with consistent intercourse. Everybody wins!
But I digress. Let’s get back to hooking up with moms.
There’s a defining moment during the advent of every chick with a kid relationship in which she breaks it to you that she’s a package deal. She usually tries to slide it in there casually so it doesn’t sound as much like an admission as a point of pride. But we’re not fooled. “Oh my son loves this song”, she might say nonchalantly. This is where men who are feint of heart find an excuse to drift away from the scene, using clever excuses like, “I have to go, my ride is leaving” or “I’m sorry, I didn’t know that you were used goods. I’m off to find someone without a car-seat.” But to people like myself, that vocalized revelation sounds like a dinner bell, beckoning us to a delicious and affordable banquet of desperation. Because moms aim to please.
Corey: The Equalizer
Advantage 2- RELIABILITY
You pretty much always know where a mom is, which is nice for us jealous types. It’s hard for a mom to have too much of a life outside of her kid, because children selfishly monopolize a lot of your time. They always have to be taken to the dentist or soccer practice or therapy because the kid’s dad moved to Austin with his band and didn’t call the kid on his birthday. And though this is tragic in regards to the child’s young and fragile psyche, it’s great news for you. Because this means that if your mom-girlfriend is not with you, she’s probably with her kid. Unless she’s a really shitty mom, in which case the kid is at her mom’s house and she’s at T.G.I.Friday’s Happy Hour crushing half-priced 22 ounce drafts and smoking Camel Lights. But you still know where she’s at.
Advantage 3- UNFLAPPABILITY
It is all but impossible to gross out a mom. They’ve seen it all. Let me put this in perspective for you. Say you’re messing around with a non-mom girl and things are getting hot and heavy and you’re both really into it, and then you accidentally do something gross like tear ass. This will most likely ruin the mood. She will probably become disgusted with you and tell you to get off of her and put it away. But not with a mom. Moms have been in every possible gross situation you can imagine. Toxic diapers, gaping wounds, projectile vomiting. You name it. They even had a little person come out of their vagina. Now that’s gross! What I’m saying is that a little gas isn’t going to scare her off by any means. They’re just so happy to experience physical contact with someone over seven that they’ll fight right through that shit. In fact, when it comes to moms, I feel fairly certain that you could get completely wasted and throw up all over their faces and they would simply dry you off and say, “Did somebody have too many Heinekens? Who had too many Heinekens?”
Advantage 4- SNACKS
You Get Used To This Stuff
There’s a pretty good chance that your mom-girlfriend has some Teddy Grahams or at least a Fruit by the Foot in her purse at any given time. Score!
So you see? Dating a mom is the way to go! They’re nurturing and warm, and can often be surprisingly adventurous in the bedroom. Plus, if nothing else, there are usually juiceboxes in the fridge.
I had a buddy that dated a mom, he also said she was a freak in bed. But, eventually the bagage (child) was what ended the relationship. Keep'em coming Mike this is good stuff
once
moms
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Posted: 12/8/2005 6:08:02 AM
I am totally feeling this one bro. i dated a mom for a while and we had to drag the kid everywhere we went. funny shit.
Jason
CPA
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Posted: 12/8/2005 7:42:47 AM
Mike Polk is the funniest person who writes for this website, and he also is possibly the funniest person in the world. With articles like "Look At My Striped Shirt," and "Date A Chick With A Kid," how could you not think he's the best?
Jack
funny
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Posted: 12/8/2005 7:55:53 AM
Hit the nail on head.
Mom's are great but at least for me they never last long.
gmoney
so true!
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Posted: 12/8/2005 8:21:55 AM
i must admit that mom's are pretty decent to date. firstly, you can totally score above your hot status with a mom. i once (temporarily) banged this mom who was way hotter than all of the usuall skanks i date...and only because HER options were limited. plus, they always have the best cereal in the morning, chocolate syrup in the cubbord (for all that ice cream that is in the freezer!) and they've usually got baby whipes close to the bed (for when you want the early morning hoodie and are affraid she'll smell your man juice from the night before). plus, they hardly ever want you to stay the night, so you're free to go cruising at the bar with your buddies, or catch the game. Plus, they have to go that extra mile (as their self esteem tells them that no sane, normal and well-adjusted man would want them) and therefore anal is in play! one downfall: Disney and Pixar. I think i've seen every animated movie in the world. however, if this gets me a swallowing, anal lovin', big breated hottie, then so be it.
Tripp
True but how many is too many
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Posted: 12/8/2005 9:25:40 AM
I met a girl in a bar one night and went out with her a few nights later. After the date I still had no idea she had a child. The next phone conversation we have I hear one in the background. "That's her son", she said. The next phone conversation I was informed of her daughter. The next phone conversation I found out about her other infant son. She totally tried to be casual when telling me about them as if I wouldn't notice. It was like she didn't know what caused that shit. Three little accidents are too much for me.
Funny stuff.
J-Dub
I need to date a mom!
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Posted: 12/8/2005 9:26:58 AM
Dude this article was f'ing awesome! You are the funniest SOB that writes for this site.
If I can make a request, follow up this article with the black guy / fat white chick phenomenon that touched on. " Fat girls want to be loved and held and complimented, just like real girls do"......I was drinking coffee and some actually came out of my nose at this point! Bravo.
Beetle
Fantastic!
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Posted: 12/8/2005 9:29:36 AM
Great article Mike! (again). I just wish it was longer. I could have used another 10 paragraphs. I hereby nominate Mr. Michael Polk for Phresident of the Phat Phree!
Some highlights: "Additionally, kids are generally sticky and smell like a combination of apple juice, maple syrup and piss." So true, it is the scent of peanut butter that gets me. Kids ALWAYS wreak of peanut butter. I can't even enjoy a PBJ anymore because it reminds me of 4 year-old snot bags.
“Did somebody have too many Heinekens? Who had too many Heninekens?” Classic.
Eugene
Second paragraph was hilarious
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Posted: 12/8/2005 9:49:10 AM
then it slowed down, with a couple of really funny lines here and there. Very good job overall.
RJ
That's right
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Posted: 12/8/2005 10:06:38 AM
Mom's are the easiest to score with, just ask my roommate. "At TGIFriday's happy hour "crushing" half priced 22s and smoking Camel Lights"...classic, and hilarious as always.
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