Being a small-towner (or possibly even a townie since I’m fast approaching 30 and living in a college town), I’ve come across an interesting pattern of horrible rhetoric involving the people I hate most in the world—The Billy Bobs.
Every time I go to some local sports bar/watering hole I seemingly always run into the rampant hatred that Redneck motherfuckers have for all things sports. On occasion I’ll have a drink at a more college themed bar, but I end up just feeling like a lecherous asshole looking at girls I couldn’t possibly have a chance with anymore. After a few pops and the boredom of a halftime show or a slow inning, I end up leaving and returning to that familiar, hole-in-the-wall bar to watch my sporting event with the ‘real’ fans. I’ll pick a spot in the corner, away from most, and try to take in the sites and sounds. Inevitably some Redneck ass-backward fuck of an abhorrent asshole bastard cocksucker will be looking for a pal and he’ll come over and engage the non-threatening guy, alone in the corner.
“Motherfucker,” I’ll mutter to myself as I prepare for what will surely be an uncomfortable two to three hour conversation full of awkward pauses and the horror of an uneducated man and self-proclaimed “sports fan” doing their best to describe a the benefits of a sporting world ruled by the Ku Klux Klan. The following is some of the actual dialogue (to the best of my recollection) I’ve had with my friends, The Billy Bobs (AKA The Redneck Sports Fan):
The Billy Bobs take on… Baseball The Billy Bob: You watch baseball man? M.Thomas L.: Yep. TBB: I’m sick and fuckin’ tired of all these foreign motherfuckers coming over here to play baseball. These motherfuckin’ Japs and them fuckin’ ahhh, them fuckin’ ahhh, those defectin’ motherfuckers… MTL: Cubans. TBB: Yeah them motherfuckers. I mean we invented baseball here and then they float over on their fuckin’ raft of milk jugs or whatever, and get to make more money than me and my buddies at the factory and shit and that’s fuckin’ bullshit man… and then them Japs bomb Pearl Harbor and we pay ‘em to come over here and play ball for us? Shit ain’t right man. MTL: I’m sorry I don’t have time for your stories.... TBB: … and them fuckin’ ahhh, ahhh, them mother fuckers that are kinda like Cubans, but they aren’t them… Hispanics they’re called I think, I don’t fuckin’ know man. MTL: I think you mean Dominicans. TBB: Yeah them motherfuckers are only so good because none of them have jobs and so all they fuckin’ do, all they fuckin’ do all day is play baseball man. My kid’s seven, but he’s got his work permit, and he’s got a fuckin’ job during the day. When I don’t have to work second shift, I take the boy to the ball diamond… sometimes.
My kid’s seven, but he’s got his work permit, and he’s got a fuckin’ job during the day.
The Billy Bobs take on… Basketball TBB: You watch basketball man? MTL: Yep. TBB: You know who my favorite player was man? MTL: Larry Bird. TBB: Hell yeah man, how’d you know? MTL: Lucky guess. TBB: Man, I can’t even fuckin’ watch basketball now, all them fuckin’ coons. I can’t even find a white guy to root for man. All the white guys look like they’re hippy-commies, with their long hair and shit; plus them blacks have just completely taken over the fuckin’ league. I mean you got what, like twelve guys on a team? At least eleven of them are black man and the one kinda white guy is usually a fuckin’ foreigner man. Every game I watch is just them blacks, runnin’ and jumpin’ around. It’s bullshit man… fuckin’ jigs. Say man, I got this joke; you know what the NBA stands for? MTL: No. TBB: It stands for… MTL: I meant no, for the love of Christ Almighty, please don’t tell me this joke. Just because we have similar levels of melanin in our skin, does not mean I’m on your team.
The Billy Bobs + Horrible Sports Takes = Waste of Fuckin' Time.
The Billy Bobs take on… Football TBB: You watch football man? MTL: Yep. TBB: You know where the best football players in the country come from man? MTL: Ohio, Pennsylvania, and Florida. TBB: Hell no man, they come from fuckin’ Texas and the fuckin’ SEC. MTL: Don’t you think the Big Ten is a good football conference, perhaps the strongest in the country? TBB: Fuck no. The SEC and the SWC are the best football conferences in the country. Say you don’t really know shit do you man? Ever heard of the the ol’ saying the South will rise again? They were talkin’ about football man, fuckin’ college football. MTL: I thought they were talking about the Civil War they lost… to the North. TBB: Now wait one Goddamn minute man. You fuckin’ Yankees… with your fancy industry and your fancy schoolin’. You best mind your tone with me motherfucker, mind your tone. MTL: Aren’t you from Ohio? TBB: Hell yeah man. What the hell does that have to do with anything? MTL: Ohio was a Northern state during the Civil War. TBB: Yeah, but my rebel spirit will never die! HHHEEEWWW!
The Billy Bobs take on… NASCAR TBB: You watch NASCAR man? MTL: Nope. TBB: Shit man you should. That there is the best fuckin’ sport there is man. MTL: I don’t really think that’s a sport, it’s just driving around an oval counter-clockwise for a couple hours. TBB: What? Man, what the fuck is wrong with you? NASCAR is the greatest sport in ‘merica. You really don’t know shit do you man? Say… you know who my favorite NASCAR driver is? MTL: Right now, or of all-time? TBB: Hmmm… that’s a good one man, but I guess I meant right now. MTL: Dale Earnhardt, Jr. TBB: Hell yeah man, how’d you know? MTL: Lucky guess. TBB: Yeah man, the Intimidator’s son. He’s fuckin’ tough, just like his daddy, may he rest in peace…
The Billy Bobs take on… Soccer TBB: You ever watch soccer man? MTL: Nope. TBB: Yeah mean either, man. That shit’s fuckin’ gay man… and it’s real boring. At least them fuckin’ fans fight each other. Now that’s somethin’ I can respect. MTL: You ever watch The Jerry Springer Show or Blue Collar TV? TBB: Hell yeah man! Those are my two favorite shows. How’d you know man? MTL: Lucky guess.
big 10 - 9 Posted: 6/24/2005by: preston the big 10 does suck! to rocksoff Posted: 6/24/2005by: M.Thomas L. "Is that a picture of The Big Unit after a 5 day meth binge?" Somehow I missed that yesterday, that is hilarious. I didn't see it at all when I found the pic, but it is definately Randy... after a five day meth binge... between starts for the F'in' pinstripes. Nice work. Thanks for reading. Good Article Posted: 6/24/2005by: Ron Freeman This was a good article. Being from the South, I can definately relate to ole Billy Bob. What a dick head he is! I mean seriously, talk about evolution in reverse. And to the argument about the SEC and Big 10, I will agree with John. Both conferences have good and bad years/teams. I do think the SEC has a brighter future because, to use the words of former Arkansas Razorbacks Basketball Coach Nolan Richardson, "That is where the slave ships stopped." The south simply has better athletes. Further, Now that southern states have got their heads out of their asses and began investing money into higher education, the universities are better equiped to offer athletic majors such as African American Studies. ting-a-ling Again Posted: 6/24/2005by: John Well as long as we are going to start going after type-os, can you use your big bad SEC education to tell me what the fuck is wrong with this quote?
"The Big 10 has OSU, who is good, and a bunch of pussies like Michigan, Penn State, and Minnesota"
The whole Big 10 vs. SEC argument is so old. Each conference has better years than the other and it has been this way for a long time. But by all means have fun. I realize that 23 year old alumni need something to argue about with the guy in the cubicle next to them. Beats the shit out of cold calls.
Jack Posted: 6/24/2005by: J.B. You've got to be one of the dumbest SOB's ever. Michigan and Penn st. do have big stadiums...whoopty do. The average attendance last year in the SEC was over 72,000....thats more than three SEC schools stadiums even hold. How often do you think a conference's average attendance is more than 25% of the schools can hold? Penn St. hasn't been good since Lionel Richie was black. Northwestern blows. Wisconsin blows. Indiana REALLY blows. MSU is below average at best. Top to bottom the SEC's got more talent. Auburn went undefeated last year...LSU won the national championship the year before. Also...we play the same number of games as the Big 10......the NCAA only allows 12 games. We play 8 conference games. Thanks for playin..........also, you meant to say "won" not "one"...the former means victory and the latter is a number....obviously a product of the Big 10 education. BIG 10 smokes SEC Posted: 6/24/2005by: Jack Hey LL,
If the SEC has such great fans then why is that the two largest stadiums in the country are in the BIG 10 (Penn State & Michigan)? Both Statiums over 110,000 people sell out every game. The difference between the Big 10 and the other conferences is that the Big 10 teams actually play each other. How many in conference games do SEC teams play 4-5? BIG 10 plays 9 or 10 in conference games before the bowl games. Furthermore the SEC only one one bowl game against the Big 10 last season. So yeah, can see why you would thing the SEC is better, 1 SEC bowl game to 5 Big 10 bowl wins. Also Penn State has created more pro players than any other program in the country and currently has the most alumni as active NFL players. Yeah, they've had some shitty seasons but they still create great players, as do all the Big 10 Teams. Inditucky Posted: 6/23/2005by: Eric B. Haven't been to Cleveland in a while but it sounds like southern stupidity is moving further north all the time. After moving to Indianapolis from Detroit, I think I've heard the same brain-cell killing nonsense from the hiljacks and whiggers here. Makes me want to abort my brain via my eyesocket with a rusty screwdriver. I think I know that guy Posted: 6/23/2005by: Rocksoff Is that a picture of The Big Unit after a 5 day meth binge? I like how you pointed out that not all stupid rednecks are from the South. Solid article but the SEC definitely rules you face when it comes to college football. I'm still bitter about my Auburn Tigers taking it in the rear last year. War Damn Eagle. nice pics Posted: 6/23/2005by: bryan Who's the kid with the "achy breaky hair mistaky"? That's child abuse. BORRRRING. . . Posted: 6/23/2005by: matt Nice pedestrian article, pretty predictable after. . . gee, i don't know. . . the title. And yes! You are a towie. If you havel ived for more then 1 year in the town you graduated in you are a townie. Congrats, you wasted $40,000 to become the same person who spent zero and probably did not complete highschool.
