As a Marlins fan, you have three different kinds of teams. You have the team that is horrendous. You have the 80-85-win team that misses the playoffs. Or you have the team that makes the playoffs and wins the World Series. In the first two cases your team is irrelevant, which doesn’t wrench your gut. In the third, every time you have a chance to get a “sausage”, you get it. Either way, you sit out in the fucking sun a lot.
Of course, there are about 89 Marlins fans in the world. The rest of us have had to deal with getting kicked in the nuts from time to time. Which brings us to two of the more overexposed teams at Phat Phree Sports; the Boston Red Sox, and the Cleveland Indians; both of which were, in succession and at the hands of the same team, excused from their World Championship quests in a “what the fuck?” fashion. In one case, fans can at least salve themselves with a World Championship of recent vintage. In the other, well... they're pretty much screwed. Either way, this season's over.
Same Old Red Sox By Steve Kiley
Things are back to normal in Red Sox Nation, which is great. I don’t know who put the idea of winning in these players' heads to begin with.
The shock from them winning the World Series last year has yet to settle anyhow. In fact, I still don’t believe it happened. 2004 WS Champions? Yeah sure, and Tom didn’t need Viagra, a cock ring, and Carson Daly’s head shot on the headboard to impregnate Kat. Meow.
As sure as Kat will have a mysterious miscarriage, the Red Sox will lose in great fashion. They lost this year’s Division Series in fine form. Boston beat writers and the media will not blame the Game Two loss on perennial utility infielder Tony Graffanino. But I will. That was an inexcusable error. I’ll agree that the ball going through his legs in that pivotal play can’t be compared to Buckner’s infamous folly. Because Buckner was fucking crippled! I’ll even go a step further and say that the Graffanino error cost them the series. If he makes that play, they win the game and go back to Boston tied 1-1, where they had the best home record in all of baseball this year.
Rather, the media here (Boston) blames Manny Ramirez, specifically in Game Two for not hustling to take second on a gapper in the first inning. The guy had just knocked in two runs with that hit, but let’s point the finger at him because he didn’t run hard. This was an actual argument by the known racist* morning sports radio duo Dennis and Callahan. Instead, they applaud Graffanino for hitting a meaningless double in Game Two’s final inning, while bashing Manny. Are you fucking kidding me? I know Graffanino is a hustler, and I'm pretty sure he is white, but so wasn't Hitler? Yes, I just compared Tony Graffanino to Hitler. But Hitler would have turned the double play. MEIN DOOBLE PLEIGH!
Let’s beat up on Manny Ramirez. He knocked in six runs in the three games. The rest of the team knocked in four. Manny being Manny.
Granted, our pitching sucked, and with this team they were never serious candidates to repeat, but there was hope. I’m glad they went three and out. They are overexposed and commercialized. Maybe their egos will deflate back to normal professional athlete size. Which is still 300% bigger than the average human. I can't blame the country for turning on last year's darlings. This is fine by me anyway. Hopefully they'll slip out of the lime-light for a bit, develop some new talent and get back to the basics. Too much attention is no good. Besides, I don't like sharing this team with outsiders.
I take nothing away from the White Sox. They looked awesome. Will they win the WS? Beats me. I like manager Ozzie Guillen’s passion and style of small ball and the chances he takes. In the Division Series, every move he made paid dividends: suicide squeezes, timely bunts, pitching around Ortiz, and good quality pitching against everyone else. We’ll see if they guess right for the remainder of their playoff run. If they don’t win it this year, I don’t know how competitive they’ll be next year after losing key players. Specifically Konerko, who would be a terrific fit for my Medias Rojas. Sorry Chicago fans for poaching your talent… strike that, I’ve never met anyone from Chi-Town that admitted they were a White Sox fan. The Cubbies are the Kings of Chicago. The Queens of Chicago have got to be Oprah and Jim Belushi. The White Sox are maybe a Duke, or whatever Fergie's title is.
It’s good for baseball to see other teams contending for the title. I’m not going to turn this into a negative bash on the Yankees, because I try my best to ignore them and the noise their “fans” create. But I will say that Giambi should not be rewarded in any way, because it is my very important opinion that he is a habitual cheater and not of the Yankees' professional caliber. I have no evidence to back this up except for the crazy stares he exhibits, the added 20 lbs of muscle mass in the last five minutes and the continued expansion of his skull. Jeter, on the other hand, commands the respect of anyone who is a fan of the game. I remember the old Nomar/Jeter/A-Rod argument, and we have seen over the last few seasons that Jeter is a man among spoiled children.
Who do I root for of the ramaining teams? At this point I'm rooting for good, pinstripe-free baseball. Come-from-behind wins, good pitching and walk-off hits.
And then back to trade talks and pitching rotations, and line-ups. Winter meetings and the equipment truck getting on the Pike and heading South-well, West for a while, but South eventually.
It will probably be another 85 years before the Sox win again. Which just means that we New Englanders have more to complain about in addition to the weather. The weather, by the way, fucking sucks right now. Maybe after years and years of losing they will again steal America’s heart, but in the meantime, the fans of the game and of the Red Sox get to hang on for the ride.
*WEEI hosts of a popular sports radio talk show, Dennis and Callahan, were suspended for two weeks in October of 2003 for comparing an escaped zoo gorilla to minority students who participate in a voluntary busing program known as Metco. – Associated Press
What's Wrong With the Bandwagon? By Michael Hagges
As I sat and watched the Indians leave their post-season chances on third with less than two outs (AGAIN), I started wondering; why am I a Cleveland sports fan? To what has it entitled me other than a lifetime of THIS close if I'm lucky, and absolutely brutal seasons when I'm not, which is usually? Why should the chance occurrence of me being born here determine that I have to support teams that continuously break my heart? In short, why have I accepted a life sentence of unhappiness in exchange for what the scientists call Jack Shit?
I decided that it's time to become a front-running bandwagon jumper. I am no longer going to let the simple fact of geography dictate which teams I support. Which team is the best? Those are now my boys. This way I'm guaranteed a winner. If not the absolute champion, at least a team that's going to put up a good fight and be there in the end. And even if they do come up short, what do I care? That champion, the one that beat My Boys...well, the champions have just been promoted to My Boys, and the second place kids are, in the immortal words of No Fear and mullet-bearers across the globe, the First Losers.
The fact of the matter is, what I'm supporting here is not disloyalty or mercenarism (it's a word now, OK?), but rather a support of quality athletics as a whole. I'm throwing my rooting might behind the best team because I love to see sport played well. Watching the Spurs execute in their solid, team-based way makes me happy. Seeing the Bronx Bombers and the billionaire babies slam the ball out of every ballpark as their new superstars, Aaron Small and Shawn Chacon, find talent nobody outside of their families ever thought they had is a beautiful thing. Seeing the Patriots come together as a team and dominate the league gives me a fundamentally sound chubby. When I say I love football, for example, that's exactly what I mean, right? And if I love football, why would I want to watch the disgrace that has been the Cleveland Browns dishonor the game? Why shouldn't I choose instead to spend my time worshipping at the altar of actual well-played football- football that is what football is meant to be?
And that's the thing. Sports is really the only arena in which this kind of blatant disregard for quality is not only accepted, but expected and embraced. Nobody ever said "Oh sure, look at you on the Gilette bandwagon," just because you realized that their blades run circles around Schick. Nobody ever said "Yeah, I know they suck, but I'm gonna stick with my Daewoo through thick and thin. We'll get 'em with next year's model!" Of course not! This would be ridiculous. To acknowledge that the product you are supporting is awful but you're going to support it anyway isn't just insane, it's un-American! It's Communist! "Da, this toilet paper is rough and makes my anus bleed, but it is made by Mother Russia." So I'm expected to keep throwing my hard-earned dollars at crappy teams because they happen to play in my hometown (And let me tell you, Browns tickets run a hell of a lot more than Charmin, or even Mach 4's...hell, most Daewoos for that matter)? No thank you, Chairman.
Forget it! No more! Let's Go Angels/White Sox/Cards/Astros. Slowly but surely my baseball rooting pool will be shrunk, until at last my favorite team will, by definition, win the World Series. And I will celebrate, and I will be joyous, and I will wear my new World Champions cap into work and piss everyone off. I will refer to that team as "we," and I will not care what anyone else has to say about it.
Unless, of course, we sign Millwood, and pick up Belliard's option, and get Howry back, and someone to play right field...
WHATEVE Posted: 8/3/2006by: Ember I'm an Indians fan, and you can kiss my ass if you don't like it. And it is a really nice ass too, and I'm single :) Biased garbage Posted: 6/19/2006by: Alex Vita Just perused this article because I was looking for a quote. I got to reading it, and, you won't see this because this article is quite old, but your head is full of crayons. Burke... Posted: 10/13/2005by: MEH Don't know if you're going to come back to this after your dominating Astros performance last night, but...what? They didn't dominate? Pettite lost? And Sanders got a dinger? ohhh...how confusing, after your comments... Cleveland Posted: 10/12/2005by: Bill Hey, the teams can be a letdown sometimes but at least they make things interesting. The Browns will biff a wild card birth this season. What the fuck? is the driving force that keeps us coming back for more. You'll move away to find an actual job sooner or later. And your gut will root for Cleveland no matter how many years you subside at whatever much more sophisticated/fun city you choose. You are born into this and youre one lucky bastard. It's true yuh Posted: 10/11/2005by: matt I am envious of it, not because it is the City that Never sleeps, I am jealous of oversized egos, the beautiful accents (especially Jamaica,-Queens) that add vibrant color to such a flowery language as English; I am jealous of cold icy winters and steamy brutal summers; I am jealous of choking traffic; I am jealous of all these things. Damn you NYC, truly the Big Apple of my eye. Please feel free to dust that paragraph for sarcasm. Great city but 26 rings do you no good at home.
Hmmm... Posted: 10/11/2005by: MEH Since I wrote "What's Wrong With the Bandwagon?" I'm not sure whether to take that last comment as an insult or a compliment. Ha Ha Posted: 10/11/2005by: Burke Good arguments all around about Cards/Stros ... ahem excuse me, Stros/Cards.
Regardless of who wins, however, I believe my last point has been proven. TPPSports sucks for harping on those whinny bitches in the AL when the real action is going on in the National League. Clearly the posters on this site are not as gay as the alleged sportswriters.
My work here is done. Proving It Posted: 10/11/2005by: MEH I love the 'Stros pitching staff, but they're going to have to show they can beat the Cards. Aside from losing last year, the Cards owned 'em this year during the regular season. And the torried Mr. Sanders has the following sick stats for the year against Planet Hooston: Reggie Sanders vs. Houston 1.708 OPS 12-28 6 BB, 5 HR, 4 2B, 1 3B 9 R, 13 RBI
I don't know who he faced and when (I can only not work so much and not get fired), but those are impressive numbers.
And the Big Three's records for the year aginst the Cards: Oswalt: 1-2 Clemens: 1-1 (2 NDs) Pettite: 0-1
Much of this was due to lack of support (suprise), but it still says something.
The Cards do, however, have to worry about the way their team has been slacking the last part of the year while they've been on cruise control. While they did finish the year with the league's best ERA, in the 2nd Half Houston owned that, 3.08 vs. 3.56 for the Cards. And even hitting-wise, the Astros were 26 OPS points better than the Cards in September, .736 vs. .710. Yes, that has a lot to do with playing the Kids, but without the stress test down the stretch that the White Sox had, are the Cards going to be able to answer the bell now that they're playing difficult games that count (the Padres series doesn't fall into that category).
What does it all mean? God knows, except it should be a heck of a series, and nobody has the three day/three game/ three time zone advantage like in the ALCS. However Posted: 10/11/2005by: Mortimer Duke I wouldn't go as far as saying "the Cards suck." They clearly don't suck, as they finished over ten games over the Stros. Their marginal advantages have just diminished this year. Differences I forgot to mention under my pseudonym (TP'sG) below:
1. The Cards added David Eckstein; an improvement, I'll give them that 2. But Morgan Ensberg became Mike Schmidt incarnate and 3. Willy Taveras is fast. Overrated, but fast.
But yeah, Aaron, the Cards are ignored unjustifiably. Keeping Pujols out of HR Derby at the ASG in favor of Jason Bay and Hee Seop Choi is one example off the top of my head. Regardless, go Stros. Hey MtgGuy, bad news Posted: 10/11/2005by: Terry Puhl's Ghost The NLCS went to seven last year. Since then:
1. Scott Rolen got crippled 2. Jim Edmonds declined .150 points in OPS 3. Larry Walker got all washed up and now looks like David Wells 4. Renteria has left 5. Pettitte has come back from injury to become the best pitcher in baseball since the All Star Break 6. The Cards have added the 2nd best catcher in the league named "Molina" 7. The Cards have added the 2nd best player in the league named "Abraham Nunez" (not kidding, Google the name) 7. The Astros developed the best bullpen in baseball 8. The Stros are playing on one more day's rest than last year 9. The subtraction of Beltran has ensured that fewer Houstonians will wear bee costumes to games 3, 4, and 5.
Things are back to normal in Red Sox Nation, which is great. I don’t know who put the idea of winning in these players' heads to begin with.
Rather, the media here (Boston) blames Manny Ramirez, specifically in Game Two for not hustling to take second on a gapper in the first inning. The guy had just knocked in two runs with that hit, but let’s point the finger at him because he didn’t run hard. This was an actual argument by the known racist* morning sports radio duo Dennis and Callahan. Instead, they applaud Graffanino for hitting a meaningless double in Game Two’s final inning, while bashing Manny. Are you fucking kidding me? I know Graffanino is a hustler, and I'm pretty sure he is white, but so wasn't Hitler? Yes, I just compared Tony Graffanino to Hitler. But Hitler would have turned the double play. MEIN DOOBLE PLEIGH!
It’s good for baseball to see other teams contending for the title. I’m not going to turn this into a negative bash on the Yankees, because I try my best to ignore them and the noise their “fans” create. But I will say that Giambi should not be rewarded in any way, because it is my very important opinion that he is a habitual cheater and not of the Yankees' professional caliber. I have no evidence to back this up except for the crazy stares he exhibits, the added 20 lbs of muscle mass in the last five minutes and the continued expansion of his skull. Jeter, on the other hand, commands the respect of anyone who is a fan of the game. I remember the old Nomar/Jeter/A-Rod argument, and we have seen over the last few seasons that Jeter is a man among spoiled children.
As I sat and watched the Indians leave their post-season chances on third with less than two outs (AGAIN), I started wondering; why am I a Cleveland sports fan? To what has it entitled me other than a lifetime of THIS close if I'm lucky, and absolutely brutal seasons when I'm not, which is usually? Why should the chance occurrence of me being born here determine that I have to support teams that continuously break my heart? In short, why have I accepted a life sentence of unhappiness in exchange for what the scientists call Jack Shit? 
And that's the thing. Sports is really the only arena in which this kind of blatant disregard for quality is not only accepted, but expected and embraced. Nobody ever said "Oh sure, look at you on the Gilette bandwagon," just because you realized that their blades run circles around Schick. Nobody ever said "Yeah, I know they suck, but I'm gonna stick with my Daewoo through thick and thin. We'll get 'em with next year's model!" Of course not! This would be ridiculous. To acknowledge that the product you are supporting is awful but you're going to support it anyway isn't just insane, it's un-American! It's Communist! "Da, this toilet paper is rough and makes my anus bleed, but it is made by Mother Russia." So I'm expected to keep throwing my hard-earned dollars at crappy teams because they happen to play in my hometown (And let me tell you, Browns tickets run a hell of a lot more than Charmin, or even Mach 4's...hell, most Daewoos for that matter)? No thank you, Chairman.
