All right, lets see now. Im on the 50 yard line. Were down by five with one timeout remaining. 59 seconds left on the clock. My attempt at the end zone on the last play was intercepted, but luckily weve got the ball back with an automatic first down thanks to a bullshit roughing the passer call. What should I do?
Okay, think Brett, think. Should I throw to the outside for a modest gain and give my receivers a chance to stop the clock by running out of bounds? No, the opposing team is a crafty bunch. Thats just what theyll be expecting. I think its time for a little patented Favre magic. Lets go for the end zone. Hmm, looks like Ill be throwing into triple coverage again. Big fucking deal! Im Brett Favre! I can do anything! Here we go. Awe, shit! I really thought I had it this time. Ah well, back to the locker room for my traditional post-game dump.
Awe shit! I really thought I had it this time.
Man, I really have to take a shit, but all the stalls seem to be occupied. Maybe I should just wait patiently until a stall opens up? I mean, theres no need to force it, right? Unlessof course! Instead of waiting for something to open up Ill just force all of my shit into this three-ounce Dixie cup. It hasnt worked out the last nine times Ive tried it, but it only takes one good play to be a hero. Besides, Im Brett Favre! I can do anything! All right, here we go. Oh Jesus Christ, Im getting shit all over my hands. And look at this floor. What a mess! Ah well, I'm still confident in my abilities. Time to drive home and relax.
The black dudes are a crafty bunch.
I sure do love to drive. It really calms me down after losing a game and then getting shit all over my hands. Wait, what have we here? Seems to be a slow-moving school bus full of orphans holding up traffic. Damn, I'll never be able to pass on these curvy roads. Looks like I'll have to wait it out, or maybe choose another route. Unless....of course! Im Brett Favre! I can do anything! I'll just force my SUV around the bus by passing on the shoulder! Genius, Favre, genius! All right, here I go! Oh God, no! I seem to have knocked the bus into that ravine! Look at all those smoldering orphan corpses. Those poor little guys. Ah well, I wont accomplish anything by getting down on myself. I have to think positively and focus on next week. Uh oh, the police. Looks like its off to jail for me.
Alright Favre, pull it together. I'm looking at 20-to-life, Ive got no chance of bail, and there are still two months to go until my trial. I've got four huge black dudes eyeing me up and down in the shower. Theyre making me feel like I'm a 12-year-old girl waiting in line to go number one at an R. Kelly concert. The smart thing to do would be to lay low and have my lawyer get me transferred to protective custody. But no, these four black dudes are a crafty bunch. Thats just what theyll be expecting. I think its time for a little patented Favre magic. Lets go for the end zone. I'll sodomize the smallest black dude and make him my bitch, thereby gaining the respect and protection of the Aryan Brotherhood. It's a long shot, as he seems to be covered by three of his friends, but big fucking deal. Im Brett Favre! I can do anything! Here we go.
Damn, sodomy is harder than I thought, especially with three big black dudes playing triple coverage. It doesnt look open enough for me throw it in there! Wait, I know! I'll force it in! Hey, it worked! Look everyone, forcing it through triple coverage worked this time! The patented Favre magic is back! I've still got it! If Im acquitted Im going to play another year! I'm Brett Favre! Brett fucking Favre! I can do anything!
Favre vs. Soldier Field Posted: 1/25/2006by: Ben Stiller The guy may have throw into triple coverage more than any other quarterback in history, but here's a good fact. Who holds the record for yardage and touchdowns for Soldier Field? If you guessed McMahon, you are WRONG! The answer is Favre. The guy may have had a down year, but he sure has had a spectacular career. What? Posted: 1/23/2006by: MTank50 That sucked and who is rating this drivel high enough to an average a 3.75? A Spade is a Spade Posted: 1/21/2006by: Windy Hey Mathews, it's Windy, Mark Rogers friend. Just want to congratulate you on this hilarious article regarding one of the biggest assholes in sports. His majesty doesn't even sign autographs and mocks people that ask for them, according to a restaurant owner in New Orleans. He deserves everything he gets. He is way uglier than Jim Edmonds. For the record: He has as many Super Bowl wins as Brad Johson, Jim McMahon, Kurt Warrner, Doug Williams, Jeff Hottstettler...what makes this dousche so friggin special? Sit and spin Green Bay. He can do anything, 'cept win,'cept spell his name Posted: 1/20/2006by: Burt FAVOR Naj, give it a rest, it's called humor, sarcasm, wit, just a little fun you may have heard or these things. Hopefully we have seen the last of BERT until we see him in Canton. Oh yea, the Green Booger Pickers will still SUCK with or without BERT FAVOR Clarification Posted: 1/13/2006by: Najeh My post was not directed towards Mr. Mathews. This article is funny and I completely agree with its content regarding Favre's decision making or lack thereof. He was playing like a scared child afraid to step up and deliver a hard pass when a rusher was about to lay him out. My previous post was directed at the others on the comment board who found humor in the idea of raping Favre's wife like a pig. Grow up.
Lastly, to bigtill, nice work on the reference to Najeh, or who some of us call like to call the "mad shitter". Davenport is still playing for the Packers, he was injured this season. Make no mistake, he will be dropping bombs on his way through defensive lines come next season ... hopefully. Seriously? Posted: 1/12/2006by: TerryO This was funny. It merely accentuates the obvious. Why take it so seriously? Aren't most jokes making fun of someone/thing? najeh Posted: 1/11/2006by: bigtill Hey Najeh... didn't you used to play for the packers? Aren't you the guy who shit in your ex-girlfriend's closet at Miami? Is that why you are bashing JMathews for this great article? Give me a break... Posted: 1/10/2006by: Jason Mathews If you don't like the article, that's cool. If you don't like what people are saying on the comment board, that's fine too (the comments about is wife are awful). But I didnt say anything about his personal life in his article.
So don't act like Favre is above being mocked for his abysmal season. He was great in the past, but this year he sucked all kinds of ass. And it wasn't just the fact that the team was banged up. He had more fucking interceptions than touchdowns. He threw into triple coverage every other pass. So don't give me this "not cool" bullshit. He needs to hang it up. If he does come back next year I wish him well, and I hope he makes me eat my words. But Im 99% hed have another crappy year.
Thanks for reading. I Agree with Najeh Posted: 1/10/2006by: Chuck Cmon ya'll. Your comments arent very funny. This column wasnt very funny. He is only one of the very best players ever to play the game. He is all about the game, and you thrash him like he is some punk. Your comments about his wife are also unwaranted. I understand the column. Brett Farve is a playmaker and his decisions is too win. C'mon Jason Mathews. Not very cool man. Too those guys who bashed his wife.........you make me sick man. Duuude!!! Posted: 1/9/2006by: Frisco Ho This was freakin' hysterical! I nearly choked on my tuna sandwich. Great job.
P.S. Favre has a set like King Kong. I'd take him over any of those pansies who "manage" a game. Of course, we haven't had a decent QB in NoCal since Aeneas Williams knocked the Mormon in to the braodcast booth.
