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Why are all the manliest shows on television fagging out? I just don’t get it. Honestly, I kind of blame myself for being a wrestling fan because I gather that nothing is gayer than HHH bending John Cena over, putting his head between his legs, and then tea bagging the back of his head with his balls. But I’m here to tell you that TV execs are wrong if they think that watching grown men roll around with each other in their underoos in any type of signifier that I want my shows to be gayer.
To me the first step past wrestling in gayness on man TV was, of course, "OZ". There was not a woman on the planet that gave a half a flying fuck about that show. Guys in prison selling drugs and killing each other? Hah. That show couldn’t have pulled the female demo with anything short of Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp in a shower scene together. Of course on that show it probably would have resulted in Johnny deep in Brad’s pitt, but I bet chicks wouldv’e still watched. I however lost my patience when all the hard mutha fuckas kept getting killed and leaving me to watch Lee Tersgen and SVU Meloni toss each others' salad with some Jergens and a box of DoSiDos.
Then one of my favorite shows, "The Shield", gayed out, by not just having Julian the gay-bashing gay cop, but by also having Capt David Assinvader give another man a blow job at gunpoint. Talk about making him the bad guy. I would’ve gladly eaten the bullet before gulping down some other man’s gooey inception batter.
"Six Feet Under" – just gay.
"The Wire" was rolling along nicely, especially with that one scene where the two cops solve a murder at the crime scene only using variations of the word fuck. But then the show's ultimate badass Omar turns out to be the Kaiser roll to his boy Brandons’ mulatto sausage and man mustard. Those dudes kissing was rougher than two Alphi Phi Alpha pledges trying the handshake for the first time. Ugh.
But now the fucking Sopranos? Of all the shows in the world. Are you fucking kidding me? I really don’t care what “Vincent” is doing with his Johnny Cakes. At first, my don’t ask don’t tell nature said they should let the guy go instead of whacking him. But after seeing The Penguin all curled up with the poor man’s Super Size me guy, I seriously hope they both come up buckwheats. If the 18-35 year old demographic is so important to these networks then they must really think all young men secretly want to ride the tube steak express. Personally I’ve about had it. I’m about ready for another season of "Deadwood" where the only gay element is the use of phrasing that sounds something like iambic pentameter, but at least they interject it with a healthy dose of the F-bomb and the occasional shootout at the OK Corral.
– Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! – Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby – Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass – Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch – One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons. – An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Since when did Sonic The Hedgehog start acting? Oh wait, that’s not the lovable blue ring gobbler. It’s that dude from "Bosom Buddies". Fuck. It’s so hard to recognize him without the grapefruits stuck in his shirt. Allow me to ruin this movie for you. The gimpy guy, Surly Teabagger, played flamboyantly straight by Lord Of The Rimjobs Magneto, is actually the bad guy; and the Holy Grail is actually a reference to Mary Magdelene and the bloodline of Christ. Either that or the Last Supper’s version of John was actually a cross-dressing transsexual. But basically a murder mystery in the Louvre leads to a religious mystery in the Church, which leads to 149 minutes of stale popcorn congealing in my gut along side a 2lbs box of Junior Mints and some crunchy Red Vines.
Personally, my favorite version of the bloodline of Christ being the Grail came from this sweet comic book called The Preacher. To keep the bloodline pure all the descendants of Christ had been forcefully interbreeding, so now they are all retards. Hilarious. Plus, the hero’s super power is that God went on vacation so he has temporarily attained The Voice of God, which allows him to make people do whatever he wants. Imagine what you could do with that at Cheetah’s. She’ll never get that dollar out of there.
The best part, however, is that The Preacher spends a great deal of time trekking the globe, and his power doesn’t work in other countries where they don’t understand English. Beats the shit out of kryptonite. But of course that has nothing to do with The Da Vinci Code, the film adaptation of what is at best an overglorified Hardy Boy mystery. Robert Langdon’s superpower is the equivalent of being able to do the New York Times crossword puzzle in a half an hour. He’s a fucking Harvard symbologist. Who the fuck cares. Unless he can tell me how to pronounce that sign Prince used for a name, his skill is bullshit. And the last time I gave a fuck about the Holy Grail was when the knights said nicht. The last time I cared about Da Vinci was when my nephew told me that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were named after famous artists. And who decided people were so stupid that we couldn’t tell them apart by their weapons? I mean fucking purple and light blue headbands are not cool for any variety of ninja. When they all wore red in the comic book they were at least only really gay instead of flame on Human torch gay.
Look, all you need to know about the movie version of The Da Vinci Code is that it is close to the book except there is only one Codec instead of two, albinos are apparently inherently evil, Tom Hanks looks silly with poofy hair, all the cool puzzles have been truncated and that French guy plays exactly the same part he has played in every other movie he has ever been in, including Godzilla. This is basically a book on tape with pictures. After this and Cinderella Man I’m starting to think I liked Ron Howard better is his Richie Cunnigham days. Personally, I think the only way this movie would have been any good is if Ron had cast his brother Clint Howard in the lead role, Don Swayze as the albino, Frank Stallone as the French cop, Joe Estevez, and Laura Silverman. But Alfred “Throw me idol, I'll throw you the whip” Molina can stay.
Personally I don’t think I can ever forgive ‘dibbay dang ba ding a ding a dong a shlimy shlam a shim shang shong” You’re a fucking professional musician! Do your goddamned job and write a fucking lyric, for Christ’s sake. I may be one of the few, but I personally think Anthony Keidis is a hack, or at least has been ever since Mother’s Milk. I know every one thinks that Blood Sugar was their best album, but those are the same idiot people that think Check Your Head is better than Paul’s Boutique. Wrong and wrong.
Regardless, Stadium continues the time honored Peppers tradition of half assign their way through a record and tricking you poor shmucks into believing it’s art. Personally, I think they sound more autistic than artistic. I wonder if Charlie got Anthony to be one of the voices in Deaf Dumb and Stupid. “Readymade” is like one of those Bootsy Collins songs written after a 14-day coke binge. “Turn It Again” reminds me that duet with Rob Matchbox and Satana. “Charlie” sounds like a track off the second 3rd Bass record. And “Hard To Concentrate” is the only aptly named song on the record, because there are 24 others that are making lose my will to live and my lunch simultaneously. Maybe this double album was enough for them to finally get it all out of their system because I think it’s time for these guys to take the socks off their penises and choke on them.
1. Will Taylor have sex with Katty McPhuck if he wins "American Idol" next week.
2. If you were going to be killed in a movie, how would you want to go? Being eaten ass first by a snake on one of those half size airline shitters has already been used in Snakes On A Plane, so come up with your own.
Dude, your schtick is to be the manliest dude around, and you admit to listening to the Chili Peppers and Beastie Boys? What the fuck?! Do you seriously argue that before that bullshit scat Anthony Keidis does in 'Soul to Squeeze' that they weren't some stupid pussy gimmick band that couldn't hold a candle to the average metal band?
If you're going to go through with this whole stupid-self-appointed-nickname thing and pretend you know anything about being a man, listening to top40 fagshit is a first step in the wrong direction.
napalm jones sux
fuck you Napalm
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Posted: 5/19/2006 5:25:46 AM
The Chili Peppers are a great band. If you can't tell how great they are with their with instruments, you're just a jack-ass!
this album is a head of its time. John Frusciante is one of the greatest guitarist out there and Keidis has come along way.
You're an idiot Napalm
ShaRules
My Comment
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Posted: 5/19/2006 5:31:39 AM
Ive always enjoyed extras being caught in random gunfire. Very funny stuff.
Grish
F the Peppers
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Posted: 5/19/2006 7:58:43 AM
Naplam you do not suck, however the Chili Peppers have always sucked and will continue to suck. They are the Dave Matthews of Rock. Every F'ing song on their last few albums sound exactly the same. And Anthony K. cut your god damn hair you hippie.
Jake
PHIL
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Posted: 5/19/2006 8:55:26 AM
His 'job' is to review this shit. Get a clue.
Victor fuckin' French
What Gives?
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Posted: 5/19/2006 9:14:33 AM
I don't know why everyone is upset. I love Red Hot Chili Peppers. Nothin' goes better on top of my shitty-ass gas station hot dogs. Jonathan says I should eat better. You know, watch my diet and shit. Like that makes any fuckin' sense. Taking advice from a dead guy.
I eat enough red meat to clog a fuckin' bull whale's colon. Anything with a cream filling-I'm smashing that motherfucker. Smokin'. Drinkin'. Stinkin'. Have I mentioned to you Phat Phree readers that my shitty A's cap reeks like a fuckin' decaying deer carcass?
deuce
it's conspiracy
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Posted: 5/19/2006 10:06:49 AM
c-o-n-spriracy. whack jobs. great stuff as always, napalm. as for the RHCP review, i think keidis is whack, but he's smart enough to surround himself with brilliant musicians. aside from dave grohl, chad smith is the best rock drummer in music, and frusciante & flea are both un-equaled in their mastery of their respective instruments. frusciante is the closest us white folk are gonna get to hendrix (rip stevie). their last couple of albums have been a little too charty for me, but still hide some great tunes on them. Q&A: 1. katty mcphuck will give taylor a strap-on "long one in the wrong one" if he wins. 2. caption: "what picture?" 3. struck to the throat by napalm with the butt of a 25lb browning m-1, you know, like a man.
STEVE
NAPALM, YOU MOTORBOATIN SON OF A BITCH
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Posted: 5/19/2006 10:07:33 AM
If I am going to be killed in a movie, I wanna go out like that broad in the movie Seven, who gets violated by the machete strap on cock, only I want it straight in my shitter. Talk about a burning sensation in the vag. " Heee ee heee m m mmmade me f fff ff uck her". That damn Kevin Spacey. What an A-hole.
-Rooster Cogburn
vertigo
nice
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Posted: 5/19/2006 11:06:17 AM
Napalm always brings it, but the Red Hot Chili Blah being washed up isn't exactly front page news.
1. Catherine is going to win, it should've been clear to everyone early. Milquetoast kills on that show.
2. There is no picture.
3. I'd want Brigitte Bardot to kick me in the nuts, Charles Bronson then hits me in the head with a bat before Lee Marvin shoots my dog and finally me in the face.
Anyone out there have a favorite death in a film?
Milton
Bizarro day at TPP
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Posted: 5/19/2006 11:44:45 AM
Phil, You're a fucking tard. Peppers aren't a metal band. They went mainstream long, long time ago. He's giving a review. They still kickass ive.
What's with the Napalm bashing? Did little JPM gather the rest of the flock around a computer during recess?
I won't state the obvious ans say there's no pic.
I'm so fucking hungover I could care less about how I'm killed, just as long as its fast and the pain goes away.
Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
– Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! 
– Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby
– Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass
– Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch
– One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
– An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Posts: 
