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My idea of a good red carpet experience is going down on Julianne Moore. But this is the one week every year when the summer movie season has officially stopped and the Fall TV season hasn’t officially started, so all I am left with is crappy awards shows. I didn’t even get to watch Kurt Angle turn someone’s face into mashed potatoes this week since he was just “released” by the WWE. It’s not surprising considering the guy has more issues than Reader’s Digest. But you gotta figure if Bret Favre can get hooked on vikes just treating the pain of throwing a pigskin and getting knocked down six or seven times a week, that Kurt Angle probably has a permanent morphine drip going in the locker room. The guy won a gold medal with a broken friggin neck for Christ’s sakes and has been nursing the pain ever since. Taking a job that involved falling on his back for a living might not have been the smartest idea afterall. But hopefully he’ll see some doctor that will turn him in to the six-dollar man so we can see that eagerly anticipated match up between Kurt and The Great Khali.
The only other exciting thing that happened this week was my bi-yearly prostate exam at the vet. Not the Veteran’s Affairs Health Department or the stadium either. I mean the veterinarian. I make him do it because he has smaller tools for working on the animals and the tiniest little hands. Women think they get all the shitty stuff with having a baby and Pap smears. But childbirth is nothing. That is only a tenth of the sensation of a prostate exam. I’ve dropped turds the size of my calf before so I can imagine what have a kid is like, but unless you’ve had someone trying to puncture you testes with a pencil from inside your ass, then the prostate exam is a whole new experience. The doc did use plenty of KY this time though so I took him out for dinner afterwards. It was probably a mistake to go to the Tandoori place that makes you eat with your fingers though. Oh well. Guys I recommend you all get your prostate checked soon though, because it is important to the survival of man that my misery have company. And ladies I give free breast exams every week so be sure to schedule an appointment.
– Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! – Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby – Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass – Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch – One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons. – An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Welcome to the 2006 Emmy’s or as I like to call it Night Of The Living Dead. I thought wheeling Sly Stone out at the Grammies last year was sacrilegious, but it must have taken every drop of Botox in Los Angeles to reunite the Charlie’s Angels. They do know that Aaron Spelling’s will has already been executed right? Though I honestly wouldn’t be surprised to find out that they all got more money than Tori. Her pops was like Bill Gates rich and left her less than a million. But I guess if Aaron was divvying up his ends based on an actor’s values to any of the ten million shows he produced, then his Mask looking daughter would have probably ranked dead last right after Jill Whelan on the Love Boat.
Speaking of dead guys. What the fuck happened to Dick Clark? He looks like he had a stroke or something. I mean if we could get him and Michael J Fox to re-enact hands across America then NBC could film it and cut the effects budget for their next earthquake MOW in half. Oh, you mean he did have a stroke? Sorry. But since when does a stroke turn your head into a shoe box. Fred Gwynn called and he wants his look back. An just for the record if any woman who is with me ever forgets to thank me and then throws me in last as an after thought, I will ball gag her with that Emmy globe and poke her eyes out with the wings. I’m just saying, if she came in my limo then she better show some love on the mic. By the way, “Bow down before your God, Babylon” and Conan’s show hopping intro were probably the high points of the show other than that.
I was happy that “24” won, but at the same time that’d be like me winning the 100-meter dash at the Special Olympics. With “Lost” somehow freakishly omitted from the category and several of the other shows in the category having already been canceled it was like there was some kind of secret conspiracy involving Sentox gas and the highest levels of the Academy that thwarted “Lost” from getting a nod. So take your hollow victory Kiefer. And speaking of Sutherlands, Kiefer’s pops was the biggest omission of the night in my eyes. I don’t care what anyone thought about Geena Davis in the “Breast Wing”, but Donald Sutherland was perfect on that show as the conservative, once racist Speaker of the House. He sure has come along way from the days of being a professor smoking reefer with his students in Animal House.
“The Office” really is the best comedy on television isn’t it? It’s not that I don’t like that show, because I love it. I just know that it would have never won an Emmy if it weren’t for the fact that there are only like 5 sitcoms left on TV total. This used to be the biggest knock down, drag out fight every year. Now I think they just play odds/evens backstage until someone wins. I remember the days when NBC had more sitcoms on a Thursday night than they do in their whole line up now. Honestly some of the best sitcoms are on cable these days like “Weeds”, “Lucky Louie”, “Its Always Sunny”, and “Curb Your Enthusiasm”. But somehow they don’t get the same recognition that HBO made for TV movies get. That seems really unfair to me by the way. HBO makes their films with real budgets and stars and can have nudity, violence and swearing, also know as all the things that make a movie worth watching. The networks are stuck finding ways to make Kim Fields believable in the Natalie Holloway story. So no surprise that the Home Box Orifice racked up for their original movies once again.
In the end the Emmy’s are about as pointless a grade school attendance awards. They are pretty much handing these people statues for doing their jobs. Most of the shows that won were in fact good, but honestly they are winning because everything else sucked. If I’m your employer don’t expect to be employee of the month just because you came to work and did your job and everyone else is a fuck up. I expect nothing but the finest cupped balls blowjob with a dabble of rimming in there if your expect to receive any kind of award from me. Where I’m from, only those who go above and beyond the call of duty are awarded medals. Doing a good job just means you get to live another day. And if you’re Jack Bauer, that is one long ass fucking day.
Omigod! Someone call the National Guard. A facesucker from Aliens has drained Nicole Richie of her lifeforce and landed on John Norris’ head. Wait, false alarm, he just borrowed the wrong wig from Billy Zane. It looks like Lil Kim wants everyone one to keep their lighters up so she can cook another burger. Please let me get arrested in New York because apparently getting a good meal in the State Penn ain’t to hard to do. And to top off the freakish what the fuck category of this 3 and a half hour catastrophe, Jessica Simpson’s million dollar body is looking more like the red light special at the .99 cent store. Her miscued mumbling was about as intelligible as Lil Jon. And I’m pretty sure that fool said, “Mechchss fa ma mcchrrckclee stand up chrizzlee haggragah Ludatriss and Fahkrel.”
Take note of the fact that I haven’t mentioned any actual awards that were handed out. The show went off about 4 minutes ago and I seriously can’t remember who won a single thing. What used to be the best alternative to the stodgy awards shows of yore has now become more pointless than trying to diddle yourself while watching Schindler’s List. But I did the math and figured out that if the right songs had been picked to win almost every nominated person in the audience could have walked away with a moon man. Seriously what is the point of even having a band or group if you are gonna feature like 10 other artists. Everybody should just get one verse on the next “Now That’s What I Call Music” CD and be done with it. “And the winner is Bustah Rhymes featuring DMX, Rihanna, Missy Elliot, T.I. and The Red Hot Chilli Peppers with special appearances by P Diddy, Kelly Clarkson, The Killers and Yung Joc.” Young who? If one more of these guys puts Lil or Young in front of his name in any fashion I swear to the half naked Christ child that I will make them drink Drano until all the metal in their mouths dissolves into their stomachs and gives them lead poisoning.
“Hi we’re Panic At The Disco and we’d like to thank Um and Uh.” Nice work guys. At least you didn’t thank God for blessing you from on high with the power to smite your musical enemies in the all important spiritual battle for the nice shiny trophy like most of these idiotic fucks. Now die. It’s nice to know that MTV still shows a rock video every now and then, but when exactly did the guys in these bands become prettier than the video vixens? Jared Leto, Fall Out Boy, AFI, My Chemical Romance, and like ten other bands spent more time applying eye shadow in the make up room than J Lo, Xtina, Fergie and all twenty lip syncing strippers from the Pussy Cat Dolls combined. If Lou Reed hadn’t showed up, Justin Timberlake would have been the straightest looking white man on the whole show and he used to dance with Lance Bass every night. The shirtless clowns from Jackass might have won that category if they hadn’t started grabbing each other’s dicks and letting the midget dry hump people. I thought I was watching a Fit Finlay match for minute.
It’s pretty rare that the neurotic Jewish comic is the second sexiest chick on the show. But in spite of bombing with her Lance Bass jokes at what basically amounted to a hostile away game she still managed to be one of zero high spots in the whole awful program when she clowned Paris Hilton for being larger than the fat Olsen Twin. The show did have one saving grace in the sexiness department. I can’t believe I’m gonna say this, but thank god for Shakira. With a body that is like a Temple of Fuck, was their even a point in watching the rest of the show after Shakira belly danced her way into my pants. I mean my heart. If Bollywood could make movies like that they might put Reseda’s porn industry out of business. She is exactly the type of artist that exemplifies what a video awards show should be about. I don’t care about what any of these people’s music sounds like. If I did I’d actually download the half a hit from the festering pile of songs they call an album these days. Nope. When I am going to watch music all that is required is enough of a beat to see some super hot rump shaker throw her junk at the screen like she just came out of the Silkwood radiation shower. That’s why Hype Williams won the lifetime achievement award. Either get half naked girls to dance, blow some shit up or put Missy Elliot in a garbage bag. That shit has been working since Hungry Like the Wolf.
The show itself was more of a confusing trainwreck than John Mark Karr’s resume. Apparently all the good writers wrote jokes for Conan this week, because the normally entertaining Jack Black was colder than Bea Arthur’s crotch. Even the once great Tenacious D couldn’t lively up the show. If this is any sign of what’s in store in their upcoming movie then I recommend they go back and re-shoot it a fourth time. Shakira’s hips, OK Go’s treadmills, and Beyonce thinking she was Catwoman in a Janet Jackson Video were really the only high spots. And the last one is on the list because it was funny as shit. It’s sad, but American Idol may have more relevance to the music industry these days than the VMA’s and The Grammies combined. But I would like to congratulate MTV on the creation of their new network MTV Tres. Now they have another whole channel in Spanish to not show videos on.
Ten hut maggots. We’re not done with awards yet. Why should rich tanlentless assholes have all the fun. It’s time to give out this years Napies. You come up with the categories and winners. Tell me who is the best or worst in any category of your choosing. I’ll post the best ones next week. Just don’t expect any gift bags for being a presenter. But if you’re lucky I might let you polish my footlocker with your toothebrush.
1. Nastiest dead guy ever to spring back to life and haunt Phat Phree Contributors: WINNER: Victor Fuckin French
2. Best Article of the year: WINNER: I'll let the people decide that, but damn that Jedi article rocked...
3. Best Writer of the Year: WINNER: I'll let the people decide that, but my votes for YOU. You're a funny guy. And you can snap my spine like a twig.
4. Best NEW Writer of the Year: WINNER: I'll let the people decide that also, but my vote is for ME, even though I haven't had time to write anything in about 4 months, but my Jedi article seriously kicked ass.
5. Biggest Dickhead Commentator: WINNER: Decide, people. But my vote is for anyone who hated my articles. Which, unfortunately, was almost everyone. Wait until my Christmas extravaganza... you'll hate me even more.
WESquared
Crapulent Award Shows
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Posted: 9/1/2006 9:56:29 AM
"What the fuck happened to Dick Clark? He looks like he had a stroke or something." Dude, he DID have a stroke - over a year ago.
"...the normally entertaining Jack Black was colder than Bea Arthur’s crotch." Actually, Bea Arthur NOW is probably hotter than most of those pitiful, underfed skanks on the stage and in the audience of the MTV Video Music Awards. And without a script or a teleprompter nearby, these "normally entertaining" actors are less entertaining or coherent than some deranged homeless guy ranting on a street corner.
"A facesucker from Aliens has drained Nicole Richie of her lifeforce...Jessica Simpson’s million dollar body is looking more like the red light special at the .99 cent store...It’s pretty rare that the neurotic Jewish comic is the second sexiest chick on the show." It's freakin' amazing how all these young actresses, pop starlets, and celebrity non-entities go from hot to NOT in the short span of a few years. Toward the end of her life, Bette Davis looked like the "Crypt Keeper" but that was after a movie career spanning over half a century.
MIlton
Again
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Posted: 9/1/2006 10:33:42 AM
you come through even when the material is week and bland.
Writer and commentator awards? Interesting.
I need to make a few calls and knock back a bloody mary. I'll be back..
I'm sure Deuce will come through with something
antony
the an-tony's
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Posted: 9/1/2006 10:35:06 AM
worst new show of the year- yo mamma
biggest asshole on the internet- steve edges out eugene and myself, steve IS not funny, seriously people, are we reading the same shit?
best writer of the last 7 or 8 months- toss up between juan turlington and napalm
hottest new writer- shanna green
best commentor person- either christine or deuce
worst college football team- those of whom we DO NOT speak, from gainseville, florida
best one word insult/slur- faggot ....it's just a great word
Pat
so simple, yet so brilliant
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Posted: 9/1/2006 11:00:24 AM
I had to stop and laugh just after reading the first line. Awesome.
Christine
Jesus Christ
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Posted: 9/1/2006 11:03:20 AM
I have the worst fucking hangover today. I can't even type. My face is beet red and hot and I have been guzzling diet pepsi all morning. Nothing is working. I'm fucking dying.
Napalm, thank god for you. About the emmy's, why do presenters try to be funny??? its so annoying when the playful banter before presentation sucks!! and why were there so many mini-series awards this year? weren't there? Ow, thinking about this hurts.
I need to think about these awards a little too. No bloody mary, but I might shoot some smack.
P.S. I got the perfect attendance award from 1st to 8th grade. Fuck you Napalm. It meant something to me you prick.
Tom A
Best/Worst
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Posted: 9/1/2006 11:10:30 AM
Best Flavor Snow-Cone: Lime
Worst Font: Blackadder ITC
Dave B
Good work, Napalm
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Posted: 9/1/2006 11:14:23 AM
Are the awards supposed to be TPP related or just random shit we come up with or a mix of both?
I'll come back with some later
Tom A
Best/Worst
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Posted: 9/1/2006 11:22:30 AM
Best Rack: J. L. Hewitt.
Worst Name for a Dog: Kevin
Christine
Tom A
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Posted: 9/1/2006 11:28:45 AM
I am begging you to stop making me laugh. My brain is hemorrhaging right now and my eyes are bleeding. You won. its over. No one can beat "Kevin". and lime really is the fucking greatest.
Best excuse for calling out: I can't find my other shoe.
Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
– Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! 
– Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby
– Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass
– Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch
– One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
– An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Welcome to the 2006 Emmy’s or as I like to call it Night Of The Living Dead. I thought wheeling Sly Stone out at the Grammies last year was sacrilegious, but it must have taken every drop of Botox in Los Angeles to reunite the Charlie’s Angels. They do know that Aaron Spelling’s will has already been executed right? Though I honestly wouldn’t be surprised to find out that they all got more money than Tori. Her pops was like Bill Gates rich and left her less than a million. But I guess if Aaron was divvying up his ends based on an actor’s values to any of the ten million shows he produced, then his Mask looking daughter would have probably ranked dead last right after Jill Whelan on the Love Boat.
Omigod! Someone call the National Guard. A facesucker from Aliens has drained Nicole Richie of her lifeforce and landed on John Norris’ head. Wait, false alarm, he just borrowed the wrong wig from Billy Zane. It looks like Lil Kim wants everyone one to keep their lighters up so she can cook another burger. Please let me get arrested in New York because apparently getting a good meal in the State Penn ain’t to hard to do. And to top off the freakish what the fuck category of this 3 and a half hour catastrophe, Jessica Simpson’s million dollar body is looking more like the red light special at the .99 cent store. Her miscued mumbling was about as intelligible as Lil Jon. And I’m pretty sure that fool said, “Mechchss fa ma mcchrrckclee stand up chrizzlee haggragah Ludatriss and Fahkrel.”
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