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I can't believe you, Dave
They say that smell is the strongest sense of the five. And it's true, I think. The waves of brackish air coming up from the Gulf of Mexico, burning my nostrils and causing me to throw up in my mouth seem to linger much longer than the sight of that homeless man masturbating under a pier. Furthermore, I have found that all the girls I've loved before have stayed with me, in a way (other than various and sundry epidermal disturbances); one whiff of Bora Bora by Liz Claiborne and I'm taken right back to my carefree college days and a brief tryst with Cindy, a sophomore who recited Yeats by candlelight in the evening and in the morning bore an uncanny resemblance to a manatee. But there are others...
Dune by Christian Dior
This beauty contains diverse notes of peach blossom, bergamot, peony, gardenia, tuberose, orange blossom, patchouli, and whore. Dune begins the relationship as a sweet floriental, but this civility calms considerably once you catch her banging your best friend in the back of a Honda Accord. My Honda Accord. I can't believe you, Dave. Also, be careful. This insidious fragrance will often cause you to cry and maybe throw up a little bit whenever you hear "Cotton-Eyed Joe," re-released by the surprisingly Swedish "Rednex" in 1995. This also goes for watching or trying to read Dune at any point after she breaks your heart. Or kind of before too, I guess.
Amarige by Givenchy
This mysterious floral-fruity fragrance teems with amber, sensual musk, vanilla and dazzling fruity notes of mandarin and neroli. Don't get all-fired up, though. She looks exotic but she's actually really inane; the kind of person who always thought it was funny to take a picture of somebody taking a picture. Do you think it's better when a chick has one of those Spanish squiggley things over an "n" in her name and doesn't pronounce it, or pronounces it really loudly and kind of how you imagine it might be like being at a Cinco de Mayo party? Oh, no. no. I didn't mean her. This girls name was "McCabe." Smell this and you'll soon realize that just because somebody is wearing a sarong and smoking hash, it doesn't make them exotic. It just makes them Vassar alumni.
It doesn't make them exotic, it just makes them Vassar alumni
Lovely from Coty by Sarah Jessica Parker
A curious blend fraught with a tantalizing bouquet of mandarin, rosewood, lavender, and bergamot, with the heart bursting with orchid, while eventually finishing off to cedar, musk and a whopping case of blue balls. I mean, we're almost thirty. There's a reason my friends call you "Teenie O'Grinder." It's because somebody once pretended to like dry-humping and now you are in the business of treating a man's C and Bs like an abbatoir. Who in the fuck dry-humps anymore? I stole some of your CDs, too. I, unlike you, would never pay money for the entire "Saigon Kick" album. One whiff of this and you know that love is indeed on the way--on the way to come and rip your gonads off.
Nu by Yves Saint Laurent
For the charismatic stalker
Nu is an enchanting skin fragrance that is rich and spicy in character and sensual and woody in structure. An arresting blend of bergamot, cardamom, wild orchid, and intense spices make this the scent for the complex, powerful, and charismatic stalker. At first she's easy, so you think "she's easy," and then stay with her for way too long because sometimes it's just easier to be lazy about things. Hey, psycho, stop calling my Mom! Although, I found out through her incessant trickery that you can do a Google and find out how to hack into ex-girlfriends e-mail accounts. I am thankful for this. I usually smell this somewhere and then do a little work at my computer.
With Love by Hilary Duff
Behold the massive dose of sugar and tropical fruit in the top notes! The sweetness takes about a half hour to drop to an acceptable level, but by this time you should run. No. Just run, man. Seventeen is not the "new" thirty. No, I'm not saying that it shouldn't be, per se, I'm just saying that it's not. I swear to god, Dave, stop looking at my sister...I said stop! When I smell With Love by Hilary Duff I am filled With Hate by Dave, who is really more of a cocksucker than a friend.
Of all the perfumes women wear? I was trying to think of one any of my conquests had next to their stuffed animals, but I am drawing a blank. I just remember them all smelling like a strange combination of pubic sweat, nylon and a heavy dose of shame.
Posts: 452 Rank: 26 Joined:
4/23/2007
Location:
Jackson, MI
Posted: 5/10/2007 7:57:16 AM
My neighbor had a rotten milk container break, don't ask me why he had rotten milk laying around, but it apparently leaked onto some napkins. I went to blow my nose with the napkins and POW. I got smacked in the face by the smell of unwashed pussy, which instantly took me back to last Saturday night.
Sycophantastic It's a heavy hitting smell of pure awesome. Taking one part unicorn musk, one part Jenna Jameson vag juice ,4 parts whatever the fuck makes oysters an aphrodisiac, and a hint of bacon; Sychophantastic is just the scent you need to assert your superiority while also kissing some serious ass.
Posts: 214 Rank: 16 Joined:
12/14/2006
Location:
Pasadena, CA
Posted: 5/10/2007 9:31:23 AM
The only time I ever heard someone say "it smells like sex in here." was in college, when the gay couple lived in the dormroom across the hall from me. Apparently their friends thought a mixture of ass and vaseline was the musk of romance.
Posts: 1375 Rank: 10 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
savannah, GA
Posted: 5/10/2007 9:55:08 AM
i think the smell of spit, raw rubbed skin, a few tears, orgasm puddles and patchouli is the smell of romance. what the fuck are you trying to say Jew?
but seriously though, much better than yesterday. i rather enjoy the dykes around here that where men's cologne and wife-beaters. when first start talking to them you feel like you're speaking to a post-feminist james dean, but once you feed them a little coke and grain alcohol they turn bi and crazy and apparently nothing says "fuck society" like ass to mouth. a little early, but maybe a new perfume game? S.W.E.A.T. sweet, wet, erotic, animalistic, tragic
is the worst and should be outlawed while wearing jeans or anything for a zipper for that matter. The only time dry humping is acceptable is when you are wearing loose gym shorts, are in 8th grade, and have a chance for slippage
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