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"New Oldsmobiles are in early this year!"
"He's got a record a mile long... and he's a Catholic."
"I hate Illinois Nazis."
"I've always loved you."
Recognize the above quotes? If you don't, I'll hand you my old M-1911 and you can squirt your brains out your left ear right now, because you're human garbage unworthy of squandering needed oxygen. If you did, you live. It's the 25th anniversary of the release of The Blues Brothers. Jake and Elwood were on a mission from God. I fucking love God. I requested his eternal forgiveness upon the souls of more than a few slant-eyed heathens who I turned to screaming mush with my PIG. In honor of the Silver anniversary of the John Landis classic, I promise to slice John Goodman's sausage intestines out of his fat gut for making a sequel that was filmed in fucking Canada and was a hollow mockery of the original.
On to the reviews.
The John Belushi Movie Rating Scale
PPPPP – Animal House PPPP – Blues Brothers PPP – Neighbors PP – 1941 P – Continental Divide p – the ½ P is for an extra line of nose candy before a take.
MOVIES: Batman Begins PPP
It’s not that this movie is bad- but here's how you make this movie better. Take what everyone involved is good at and make it a part of the movie. Chris Nolan, who directed Memento, could turn the timeline inside out and show the movie backwards, so Batman can kill the Scarecrow first, bang Katie Holmes second, and then run off to Tibet last. That way, you can just get up and walk out of the theatre after the first 30 minutes. Katie Holmes could use her awesome talent and just get naked like when Greg Kinear balled her in The Gift. And Christian Bale could reprise his best role ever as the Amercian Psycho, which is pretty much what Batman is. Personally, I’d be much more entertained by Bruce Wayne bringing home sluts and carving them up while listening to any song from Huey Lewis and The News "Sports" album. Of course, madcap hilarity would ensue when Alfred has trouble cleaning up the mess just before Commisioner Gordan shows up for dinner. Apparently Liam Neeson was the only one who got my memo, because he spends most of this movie giving his best Qui Gon impression. I know I won’t be able to dissuade you from seeing this movie, and it’s really not all that bad, but I urge you not to lie down and take it like a 13-year old at Neverland Ranch after a couple bottles of Merlot. Have some dignity and at least acknowledge that they will never make another truly top notch Batman movie like the first one - and by first one I mean the pilot for the old TV show, not that goofy bullshit with the dude from Gung Ho.
The Perfect Man
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner! This is the first "no “P” movie of the summer. A film so bad, it doesn’t even get one tick on our Clap-o-Meter. Hillary Duff can now start filling out those fluffer applications, because it’ll be damn hard for anyone to pay her to make another movie after this. Hopefully it will ruin her attempts at music as well. I almost strangled a friend's 7-year old daughter for playing the "Lizzie McGuire" theme song 17 times straight. She would have played it 18 times but I shot her in the kneecap before she had a chance. So, why is this movie so bad, you ask? Well let me tell you the basic gist of it. Hillary “My Future Is In Porn” Duff doesn’t like the Camaro-driving idiot who is trying to date her mom, Heather “I look older than Cheryl Tiegs” Locklear, so she invents a guy to woo her instead, so they don’t have to move cities again. What the fuck? Basically the movie is about Duffy the One-Eyed Dragon Slayer dating her fucking mom. At least that was what I caught before I started playing Tetris on my cell phone. It's really a shame that Heather looks like she could star in the remake of Cocoon, because I used to drain my prostate to her with regularity when she was on "T.J. Hooker". Then again, I can still keep jerking off to the "T.J. Hooker" episodes I have on betamax. Of course it always seems to be when Adrian Zmed is onscreen... probably because he's way fucking hotter.
TV: Dancing With The Stars P
Speaking of Dance Fever, what the fuck is this rip-off show even doing on TV without Zmed. First of all, this show should be called "Dancing With The People You Might Be Somewhat Familiar With, But Are Still Not Quite Sure If They’re Celebrities Or Just The Bank Teller Who’s Face You Kind Of Remember". Seriously, the only thing I can remember about Rachel Hunter’s career is that Rod Stewart was teasing her with his wrinkled semi-stiff old man dong for a while. And the most depressing revelation the show has offered so far is that there is one arena where a New Kid On The Block can actually beat a heavyweight boxing champ. I think the show would get better ratings if they had gotten more close-ups of Evander Holyfield's chewed up ear than replays of Joey McIntyre jumping over the competition. I would tell you what I thought of the rest of the shows competitors, but I really have no idea who these people are. The professional dancers look more familiar to me. Have I mentioned yet that the show is worse than tweezing your ass hairs one at a time? They call this reality TV? What exactly is real about has-been celebrities teamed with professional dancers rocking out to Britney Spears's "Toxic"? That doesn’t sound like the kind of thing that happens out on the street corners of Detroit. To me this show is the North Korea of summer television. It represents all the evil power of the networks and our pitiful inability to do anything to stop them except to sit and watch in horror and awe as they destroy everything that is good about America.
MUSIC: System Of A Down Mezmerize PPP
Fast, slow, yell, sing, yell, fast, slow, then you stop and dance a Russian gig. Then back to slow, fast, growl, sing, yell, slow, fast, false stop, yell, and then you sing some Armenia Tuuva. Then it's back to fast, slow, slower, fast, yell, growl, scream, whisper, hum, sing, yell, growl, and then a guitar solo in A# Mixolydian Seventh over 5/8 time. Are you starting to see a pattern develop? Me neither. This is album is good, but it has a shorter attention span than one of Wil Sperdute’s students after being Ridelin-deprived for three days. Still not getting what I’m saying? It's heavy and it’s weird. If you like normal music, don’t buy it. If you like Metal that kicks your ass the whole time, don’t buy it. But if you like listening to 6 different records at once, then this one is right up your ass crack.
Alanis Morissette Jagged Little Pill Accoustic P
You may be as confused as me that Alanis is re-releasing an acoustic version of an album full of songs that still sell, but I think I have it figured out. After 10 years she has finally learned how to play the songs! It’s no secret that producer Glen Ballard was the real mastermind behind the 1995 album that was chock-full of good-time Canadian irony. The recording was a who’s who of rock, like Flea and Dave Navarro doing the real playing on "You Oughta Know". So isn’t it ironic, don't you think, that after a decade of touring these songs, Alanis finally knows how to play them. Wait, following her mold, your supposed to say isn’t it ironic and then follow that with a statement that contains no irony whatsoever. Regardless, this album is as good an idea as eating atomic wings and burritos the day before your next prostate exam. The only time I ever liked Alanis was when I thought I actually saw a flash of her nipple in the "Thank You" video. Further slow-motion review, however, illustrated that it was actually cellulite and stretchmarks.
(Father's Day is Sunday so ole Napalm has the question of the week for you. "Who's your Daddy Bitch?" No seriously what movie star lays more pipe than any one else? And don't say Tom Cruise because man on man love is disqualified.)
First off System OF A Down's new record is the best thing out right now. It is a little weird, but still very dope.
Second, I hear that Jake The Snake Roberts of WWF fame got laid by like two different chicks in every city he ever went to. I know he's not exactly a movie star but he was in beyond the mat. I sure the ring rat chicks he was taking home were't exactly prime trim either, but you only asked who laid the most not the best.
Andy Dick has banged sooooo much fabulous Poon-Tang: more than Wilt Chamberlain and Charles Nelson Reilly put together!
Danny
Neighbors before 1941?
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Posted: 6/17/2005 9:48:21 AM
That's all I want to ask...dude, Jones, how could you put friggin' Neighbors before 1941 on the rating scale? Did you come down with some syph after banging a Saigon whore and now it's affecting your mind?
Cakezilla...
Wild Bill Kelso is HNIC
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Posted: 6/17/2005 10:43:27 AM
Im with Danny on this one, 1941 is a superbly funny film.
Its odd how IMDB could get regional on this but they are, saying ...'that most Americans just don't get the film, but it's always greeted with warm welcome in Europe, and they seem to "get it" there'.
Have a great weekend to one and all, Cakezilla, London, funny that!
Rocksoff
Emilio Esteves' "brother"
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Posted: 6/17/2005 1:48:05 PM
I read somewhere(ok it was Maxim) that ol Chuck Sheen used to be known as "The Machine" out in Hollywood. If you're nickname is that in LA, you have gotten lots prime ass my friend.
JBoogie
The king of on screen hotties
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Posted: 6/17/2005 2:11:23 PM
Michael Douglas has nailed more chicks in more kinky ways than anyother leading man out there (Save for Sir Ron Jeremy).
only made it to "m"
the clooney
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Posted: 6/17/2005 3:12:44 PM
george has tapped more ass than the office toilet seat. he has a list from asner to zellweger to theron, and somehow none of them claim to be his girlfriend.
george clooney you are the man.
AlphaMale
No Time For Love Doctor Jones
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Posted: 6/17/2005 3:40:36 PM
Harrison Ford should have been the Mack. He has probably gone out on more "dates" in Hollywood than anyone but apparently never taps the ass. I can't belive the wheel stopped at Calista Flockhart. Han Solo should be able to pull better than that. I bet Bronson Pinchot gets better ass than that.
1941 is exactly where it should be on that scale. The movie is good in it's subtle European humor but it is a below average performance for Belushi personally. Neighbors is a much better showing of Belushi's standard fare.
J-Rock
Legend and The Dark Knight
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Posted: 6/17/2005 3:55:52 PM
I think Tom Cruise is the big Pimp. Even if he really is gay he pulls some of the best deflection snatch out there. From Mimi Rogers all the way to Nichole Kidman he didn't have a single minute where he wasn't "attached" to some hot chick. I swear this was his longest break before getting with Katie Holmes.
BTW You are totally wrong about Batman. It is hands down the best one since the original Michael Keaton. It probably even beats that one. The new car was the worst part. It's like a tank. I'd love to see the old school cnvertable from the TV show come back at this point. But this movie will probably be one of the best movies of the whole year!
Neighbors and 1941 equally suck in my book. Neither are funny at all. Somehow Belushi as funny as he was didn't get a chance to make as many good movies as you would think. He is better as the cop in Going South than half of these other starring roles.
Steve
The Belush
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Posted: 6/17/2005 4:05:35 PM
Jim Belushi pulls some serious fuckin' tail.
I heard his favorite line is, I'm the fuckin Belush now suck it!
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It’s not that this movie is bad- but here's how you make this movie better. Take what everyone involved is good at and make it a part of the movie. Chris Nolan, who directed Memento, could turn the timeline inside out and show the movie backwards, so Batman can kill the Scarecrow first, bang Katie Holmes second, and then run off to Tibet last. That way, you can just get up and walk out of the theatre after the first 30 minutes. Katie Holmes could use her awesome talent and just get naked like when Greg Kinear balled her in The Gift. And Christian Bale could reprise his best role ever as the Amercian Psycho, which is pretty much what Batman is. Personally, I’d be much more entertained by Bruce Wayne bringing home sluts and carving them up while listening to any song from Huey Lewis and The News "Sports" album. Of course, madcap hilarity would ensue when Alfred has trouble cleaning up the mess just before Commisioner Gordan shows up for dinner. Apparently Liam Neeson was the only one who got my memo, because he spends most of this movie giving his best Qui Gon impression. I know I won’t be able to dissuade you from seeing this movie, and it’s really not all that bad, but I urge you not to lie down and take it like a 13-year old at Neverland Ranch after a couple bottles of Merlot. Have some dignity and at least acknowledge that they will never make another truly top notch Batman movie like the first one - and by first one I mean the pilot for the old TV show, not that goofy bullshit with the dude from Gung Ho.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner! This is the first "no “P” movie of the summer. A film so bad, it doesn’t even get one tick on our Clap-o-Meter. Hillary Duff can now start filling out those fluffer applications, because it’ll be damn hard for anyone to pay her to make another movie after this. Hopefully it will ruin her attempts at music as well. I almost strangled a friend's 7-year old daughter for playing the "Lizzie McGuire" theme song 17 times straight. She would have played it 18 times but I shot her in the kneecap before she had a chance. So, why is this movie so bad, you ask? Well let me tell you the basic gist of it. Hillary “My Future Is In Porn” Duff doesn’t like the Camaro-driving idiot who is trying to date her mom, Heather “I look older than Cheryl Tiegs” Locklear, so she invents a guy to woo her instead, so they don’t have to move cities again. What the fuck? Basically the movie is about Duffy the One-Eyed Dragon Slayer dating her fucking mom. At least that was what I caught before I started playing Tetris on my cell phone. It's really a shame that Heather looks like she could star in the remake of Cocoon, because I used to drain my prostate to her with regularity when she was on "T.J. Hooker". Then again, I can still keep jerking off to the "T.J. Hooker" episodes I have on betamax. Of course it always seems to be when Adrian Zmed is onscreen... probably because he's way fucking hotter.
Speaking of Dance Fever, what the fuck is this rip-off show even doing on TV without Zmed. First of all, this show should be called "Dancing With The People You Might Be Somewhat Familiar With, But Are Still Not Quite Sure If They’re Celebrities Or Just The Bank Teller Who’s Face You Kind Of Remember". Seriously, the only thing I can remember about Rachel Hunter’s career is that Rod Stewart was teasing her with his wrinkled semi-stiff old man dong for a while. And the most depressing revelation the show has offered so far is that there is one arena where a New Kid On The Block can actually beat a heavyweight boxing champ. I think the show would get better ratings if they had gotten more close-ups of Evander Holyfield's chewed up ear than replays of Joey McIntyre jumping over the competition. I would tell you what I thought of the rest of the shows competitors, but I really have no idea who these people are. The professional dancers look more familiar to me. Have I mentioned yet that the show is worse than tweezing your ass hairs one at a time? They call this reality TV? What exactly is real about has-been celebrities teamed with professional dancers rocking out to Britney Spears's "Toxic"? That doesn’t sound like the kind of thing that happens out on the street corners of Detroit. To me this show is the North Korea of summer television. It represents all the evil power of the networks and our pitiful inability to do anything to stop them except to sit and watch in horror and awe as they destroy everything that is good about America.
Fast, slow, yell, sing, yell, fast, slow, then you stop and dance a Russian gig. Then back to slow, fast, growl, sing, yell, slow, fast, false stop, yell, and then you sing some Armenia Tuuva. Then it's back to fast, slow, slower, fast, yell, growl, scream, whisper, hum, sing, yell, growl, and then a guitar solo in A# Mixolydian Seventh over 5/8 time. Are you starting to see a pattern develop? Me neither. This is album is good, but it has a shorter attention span than one of Wil Sperdute’s students after being Ridelin-deprived for three days. Still not getting what I’m saying? It's heavy and it’s weird. If you like normal music, don’t buy it. If you like Metal that kicks your ass the whole time, don’t buy it. But if you like listening to 6 different records at once, then this one is right up your ass crack.
You may be as confused as me that Alanis is re-releasing an acoustic version of an album full of songs that still sell, but I think I have it figured out. After 10 years she has finally learned how to play the songs! It’s no secret that producer Glen Ballard was the real mastermind behind the 1995 album that was chock-full of good-time Canadian irony. The recording was a who’s who of rock, like Flea and Dave Navarro doing the real playing on "You Oughta Know". So isn’t it ironic, don't you think, that after a decade of touring these songs, Alanis finally knows how to play them. Wait, following her mold, your supposed to say isn’t it ironic and then follow that with a statement that contains no irony whatsoever. Regardless, this album is as good an idea as eating atomic wings and burritos the day before your next prostate exam. The only time I ever liked Alanis was when I thought I actually saw a flash of her nipple in the "Thank You" video. Further slow-motion review, however, illustrated that it was actually cellulite and stretchmarks.
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