Carbondale, PA (TPP) -- In a move many expect to spark a new trend in frivolous lawsuits, a Pennsylvania man has filed a grievance with the local court stating that his parents are to blame for his terribly small cock.
The plaintiff, Mr. Kenneth Rosencrans, is seeking compensatory damages for what he describes as "severe emotional and psychological trauma directly correlated to going through life with an embarrassingly tiny tinkler."
News of this genetics-based lawsuit had many attorneys licking their chops at the National Association of Trial Lawyers' annual convention, held this past weekend in Las Vegas.
"Oh yeah, a lot of us will make partner at our respective firms as a result of this new trend," said Tom Boland, keynote speaker at the convention. "Most physical shortcomings are, by nature, attributed to your biological parents. This trial will be closely watched for precedent."
In an exclusive interview granted to The Phat Phree, Mr. Rosencrans described his penis as a "pathetic, nubbin mushroom cap lost in a field of high grass. You can't even call it a 'dick' and certainly not a 'cock,' it's way too small for that nomenclature." Kenneth went on to describe his sex-life as practically nonexistent and completely unfulfilling. "Upon insertion, it's as if I'm throwing a loaf of bread down a hallway."
Although described by friends as affable, handsome and in phenomenal shape, most were not surprised by Kenneth's plight. Joel Greenwood, a lifelong friend and former phys-ed classmate, remembers sneaking a peek in the shower one day following dodgeball. "I couldn't believe what I couldn't see. There was no sign of the thing. Once, when we were drunk, I suggested that he trim his pubic hair and start hanging weights from it. He ended up kicking the shit out of me for that, so I figured the topic was a sensitive one and never brought it up again."
The longest relationship Mr. Rosencrans has ever been able to maintain was with his high school sweetheart, Stacy Miller. It lasted only two weeks and ended prom night with Stacy on her back in a local motel. "That was the night I was supposed to lose my virginity, and I had chosen Kenny to be the one to take it. You can imagine my disappointment when he barely achieved penetration, never mind even coming close to breaking my hymen. I cried all night after he stormed out in anger."
Ranting further, Ms. Miller feels she was misled by Kenneth, "I was captain of the cheerleading team, and the prom queen for Christ's sake. I was entitled to a huge cock, or at least one big enough to brag about. Do you have any idea how damaging that episode was to my reputation? Those bastards called me 'Miss Tic-Tac' for the rest of our senior year."
These days, Mr. Rosencrans can usually be found on the road, traveling from town to town as if somehow trying to escape his curse. "I move so often because I'm constantly looking for a fresh start and more importantly, an open mind. But every time I sleep with a woman I immediately find myself blacklisted from that local female community. It's as if everywhere I go there's a 'don't fuck me, I have a little dick and it's pathetic' sign pinned to my chest. Is there some kind of message board where women talk about this stuff? I can't believe how fast word travels."
Mr. Rosencrans, up until this point, has had a great and loving relationship with both of his parents. But he feels there's no other recourse for what their unfortunate combination of genes did to him. "When I was a little kid, I used to jump in the shower with my dad. His dick had hair; mine didn't. I never thought a thing about the size of it. Then I'm in grade school showering with my basketball teammates and notice they're all five times bigger than me and my dad combined! And most of these kids were pre-pubescent. It was humiliating to say the least."
In addition, Kenneth feels his lawsuit is strengthened by other contributing factors including being forced to wear Underoos that were way too tight when he was growing up. "They were excruciatingly snug and I'm convinced that by wearing them I cut off crucial blood flow, which certainly stunted my penis' growth."
Kenneth's parents have kept quiet since receiving their summons, but friends of the family say they're shocked and disappointed. They fully expect the judgment to go in their favor as they're living proof a couple can sustain a lasting and loving relationship, despite the presence of a diminutive penis.
However, recent reports of Mrs. Rosencrans' frequent visits to a local porn shop to purchase the latest in strap-on technology are under investigation. If this rumor is found to be true, it could serve to discredit those claims.
Godspeed.
 |
