 | Let me tell you about some real American heroes: my illegal workers |
Hello, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean Hannity, and you may know me as the host of the highly-rated Fox News Channel's "Hannity and Colmes", or as the host of the highly-rated "Sean Hannity Show" on Fox News Radio. Or better yet, you may be wiping your ass with one of my "Hannitze This!" toilet paper or bathroom products. But what you may not know about me is this...I hire illegal workers to maintain the health and beauty of my estate outside the environs of liberal New York City.
I know it may come as a shock to my many devoted and loyal fans, but I can defend my actions by saying this: I do it for freedom.
You see, I don't believe that our nation's border with Mexico should be so porous and easy to cross that illegal immigrants can flood our country and take away jobs from decent, hard-working Americans. But I'm a realist, folks. After forty years of liberal handouts under the welfare system, America has become an overweight adolescent more interested in watching Larry King than in mowing my lawn. So I did what any smart businessman does: I outsourced my labor.
Mrs. Hannity and I welcomed our current staff in early 2005 and I can say that we are well satsified with them thus far (especially as they fit easily into the attic for occasions such as when relatives visit, or officials from the Department of Immigration). And before any liberals in the audience accuse me of being blindly arrogant and inattentive to them, I can say to you that I know them all by name. They are Jorge, Jose, Jesus, Ramon, Herve, and Pedro. Those are the names that I gave them, and while sometimes I can't keep them straight and call one by another's name, some don't even respond to the ones I throw out at all (as if there could be more names than that in Mexico). But I'd like to think they know my name very well.
Just the other day, the one who responds to "Pedro" (who I know from his stooped shoulders and occasional fainting spells on hot days), came to me in his native tongue (Spanish, and not Mexican as I had previously thought) and indicated something to do with mowing the large amount of acrage that takes up my front lawn. I stopped him mid-sentence and said "hey Pedro, you're in America now. We speak English here. You might want to get with the program." He just gave me a blank stare before returning to his dialect, but I know it affected him. Later that day, I saw him looking through my nephew's stash of Playboy magazines, obviously trying to improve his English skills.
Most of the other workers, unfortunately, are happy to remain ignorant of the American society that surrounds them. I offered during the wintertime to take them down to Miami, where I understood there was a large Spanish-speaking community. I was informed by Ramon (who speaks English fluently, and often reminds me that he's from some place called "New Mexico"...as if such a place exists!) that the other workers were wary to go because Miami was populated by Cubans. I was confused, because I thought Cuba was a part of Mexico (albeit one ruled by Fidel Castro, and tolerated by liberal Hollywood and the Washington elite for decades). Ramon was also helpful in correcting my assumption that Tijuana is the capital of Mexico. It turns out that the capital is also named Mexico.
 | Don't worry, that's just Jose (or Jorge) coming in to work every morning |
One of my workers came to me with a story that I'd like to share with you. I called him "Jesus" for a long time, but he seems to respond better to "Pepe" and I don't really care for using the Lord's name on someone that is mortal. Anyway, Pepe took me aside one day and spoke to me in broken English about his story: he had been an esteemed critic and writer in his native land, where he was vigorously anti-Pinochet (another part of Mexico, I reckon, though not close to Cuba as he indicated the land was very cold), and when he arrived here, because he couldn't speak the language he was treated like a common everyday nobody. With tears of pride welling up in my eyes, I took his hand in a firm shake and thanked him for the great job he did on the gazebo that overlooks my backyard and the indoor swimming pool. The one-dollar bill that I gave him proved that he was indeed "just like everyone else"...a real American hero.
Yes, I pay my spics for their work, though not usually with money. That would have to be declared to the IRS and...it's just easier to pay them in coffee beans. I like to think it's my own way of showing tribute, because I understand their former president, Juan Valdez, was never too busy that he couldn't get up in the morning and, with his trusty ass by his side, collect coffee beans all over Mexico.
So I provide them with a good home, rent-free (so long as they don't mingle with my family), and I respect them enough to try and learn their language. I've mastered the menu at Taco Bell, and feel confident that I will soon be able to hold my own in conversation with them.
Finally, one more story: Yesterday, the one that I call "Jose" (though it could have been Jorge, I can never keep them straight) rushed up to me and began rapidly motioning towards a tree I had asked Pedro to cut down, a tree which now lay upon him. So much for the Hispanic work ethic, I chuckled to myself.... anyway, Jorge/Jose kept on in his native tongue, and I still don't speak enough Spanish (or Mexican, if that's what he was saying) to understand him. But I'd like to think it was something like this:
 | Sold in Mexico as |
"In his last hours on this earth, Pedro would like to thank you, Mr. Hannity. For the honor of dying on American soil, the same soil that you and your family enjoy from the comfort of your home, never venturing outside. With his last breath, he says that you are a great man, like Reagan. And as Pedro loved Reagan, so he loves you" (actually, J/J went on for a while after that, but I think he may have been repeating himself).
So yes, I have illegal workers on my payroll, and I'm proud of it. You say I am un-American for doing so, but I say that I'm so pro-American for doing it because I'm spreading freedom like so many coffee beans amongst my workers. I generously tip my illegal spics, America.
Can you say the same?
 |
