Throughout the course of its history, the WWE has had more than its fair share of bastards. Now, Im not talking about the type of bastard that gets his rocks off by beating an opponent senseless with a steel chair; thats kid's stuff. Im talking real bastards here -- the unique breed of beautiful bastard whod not only waffle his own mother with a steel chair, but would also nail her with a flying elbow droponto thumbtacksfrom the top of a 20 foot Hell in the Cell! Like I said, REAL bastards.
Here now are the ten biggest:
10. The bastard: Randy Macho Man Savage General bastard-like qualities: He was good, he was bad, he was good, he was bad. Who the hell could keep track? Plus, he treated his manager, the lovely Elizabeth, like garbage. What a bastard! Random acts of bastardness: Crushed the larynx of Ricky The Dragon Steamboat, bastard-slapped his best friend and Mega Powers partner Hulk Hogan, released a rap album. What he couldve done to be ranked higher: Slapped Hogan harder. The egomaniacal Hulkster went after Machos woman, for Bastards Sake! Macho shouldve slapped the taste out of Hogans mouth. One more thing, Mach: no self-respecting bastard wears sequined robes and fringe-lined tights.
9. The bastard: Rowdy Roddy Piper General bastard-like qualities: Loud, obnoxious, played the bagpipes, sported a mullet at different times in his career. Random acts of bastardness: Bashed a coconut into the skull of Superfly Jimmy Snuka, shaved the head of midget wrestler The Haiti Kid, smashed a gold record over the head of Capt. Lou Albano. What he could have done to be ranked higher: Continued his bastard-like ways! In 1987, Piper made a common bastard mistake and turned babyface (aka he became a good guy). No longer prone to smashing objects over peoples heads, Piper started cozying up to bastard-bashers like Hogan and the Junkyard Dog. And just like that, the bastard Hot Rod (V.1) was gone forever. Kinda makes you wonder if he was packing anything under that kilt, huh?
8. The bastard: Earthquake General bastard-like qualities: Bullied smaller wrestlers, had a loudmouth manager, didnt shave his back. Random acts of bastardness: Crushed Hulk Hogans sternum during a vicious attack on the Brother Love Show, destroyed Andre the Giants knee with a megaphone, splashed (and killed) Jake Roberts snake Damien. What he could have done to be ranked higher: Another example of a real bastard who turned wuss. Had he not switched sides, Quake wouldve cemented his Bastard Legacy by killing other ringside animals, such as Koko B. Wares Frankie and the British Bulldogs Matilda.
7. The bastard: Ric Flair General bastard-like qualities: Wheelin, dealin, kiss stealin, limousine ridin, jet flyin bastard. Random acts of bastardness: You dont become the Dirtiest Player in the Game by playing nice. During a feud with Randy Savage, Flair claimed to have had an affair with Savages wife Liz. Flair even went so far as to doctor (gasp!) photos of he and Liz by the pool, riding horses, and yes, snuggling by the fireplace. Platinum-headed bastard! What he could have done to be ranked higher: Not cried. In 2002, Flair returned to the WWE and, despite his love handles and man-boobs, continued to wrestle. This led to a series of interviews where Flair would express his gratitude to the WWE for giving the chance to perform, blah blah blah, and Flair would start bawling like a baby. Cmon, Naitch! Bastards dont cry!
6. The bastard: The Iron Sheik General bastard-like qualities: Hes foreign. Random acts of bastardness: Spit on the American flag, spit on Hulk Hogan, spit every time he opened his mouth. And dont forget about those curly-toed boots! What he could have done to be ranked higher: Held the WWE title longer. This bastards title reign was less than a month -- hardly enough time to establish a pattern of doing bastardly things like ducking challengers or getting intentionally disqualified to save the title. Had Sheik been champ longer, his inner bastard wouldve really come out.
5. The bastard: Big Bossman General bastard-like qualities: Big boy hillbilly from Cobb County, GA (home of fellow bastard Newt Gingrich), beat opponents with nightstick after matches, enormous armpit sweat stains. Random acts of bastardness: Beat the crap out of Hogan (see a pattern here?) on the Brother Love Show, was a stooge in Mr. McMahons Corporation gang, crashed the funeral of the Big Shows father by tying the casket to his truck and driving away. What he could have done to be ranked higher: Tough one. Lets face it, you gotta be a pretty big bastard to drag a corpse around a cemetary. However, Bossman does have a dent in his bastard armor, which is why he wasnt ranked higher. In 1993, the Bossman performed (no, that wasnt a typo) on the horrid Wrestlemania: The Album. Some things are inexcusable. Even for a bastard.
4. The bastard: Sgt. Slaughter General bastard-like qualities: Huuuuuge chin, gravely voice, called everyone a maggot. Random acts of bastardness: Ignoring his stint as a character on the G.I. Joe cartoon (a crime in itself that's worthy of almighty bastard status), this bastard had the nerve to turn his back against the United States -- during the Gulf War! The bastardly Sarge went so far as to declare war on the WWE and even threw a fireball in Hogan's face. Oh, the humanity! What he could have done to be ranked higher: Though its true that youre never too old to become a bastard, Sarges bastard heel turn came a few years too late. By the time he won the WWE title, he was overweight, slow, and limited in the ring. Its hard to be a convincing bastard when, by the time you walk down the aisle, youre out of breath.
3. The bastard: Jake The Snake Roberts General bastard-like qualities: Nickname rhymed with first name, porn star moustache, giant snake plastered on tights. Random acts of bastardness: DDTed Ricky The Dragon Steamboat on a concrete floor, locked the Ultimate Warrior in room filled with snakes, crashed the wedding reception of Randy Savage and Liz, had a King Cobra munch on Savages arm. What he could have done to be ranked higher: Jake, get the cobra! Watching the cobra gnaw on Savages arm was one of the most gruesome acts ever seen on WWE TV at the time. So why stop there? Wouldnt you have just loved to see the cobra attack glorified jobbers like Tatanka, Marty Jannetty, and of course, WWE President Jack Tunney!
2. The bastard: Triple H General bastard-like qualities: Cromagnum features, dressed in fur at WrestleMania 22, buries the careers of other wrestlers, a grating voice thats slightly less irritating than fingernails scraping a chalkboard. Random acts of bastardness: Turning his back on fellow DX member X-Pac at WrestleMania 15, drugging then marrying the boss daughter Stephanie McMahon (in storyline), beat the hell out of Shawn Michaels with a sledgehammer, marrying the boss daughter (in real life). Oh, he also had sex with a corpse. What he could have done to be ranked higher: Simple. Upon getting married, he couldve changed his last name to McMahon.
1. The bastard: Vince McMahon General bastard-like qualities: The guys loaded, freakishly built, walks like hes got a barbell shoved up his ass, puts himself in pay-per-view main events. Random acts of bastardness: Holy bastard, where to begin? Vince has a laundry list of being a McBastard, starting with the way he put every other wrestling company out of business. Not enough bastardness for you? Heres more: he started a bodybuilding league and even hosted a TV show called Bodystars, royally blew the two biggest potential money-making feuds in wrestling history (Hogan vs. Flair in 1991, the WCW invasion in 2001), created the characters Saba Simba, Duke The Dumpster Droese, and Bastion Booger, screwed Bret Hart out of the WWE title, and of course, the XFL. Why hes the ultimate bastard: Cockiness. To this day, he refuses to admit the XFL was a bad idea. Vince, youre a beautiful, beautiful bastard!
Okay, let's talk Bastards. Which WWE Bastard-sters make your Top Ten?
Mwa-ha-ha-ha! Posted: 11/8/2006by: Kevin G No Ted DiBiase! For SHAME!
This is the man who for years had a black servant who he made clean shit of his shoes, take beatings during big matches and basically slap around in a way that made everyone think the South had "come again"! Leading to an awesome run of matches between him and Virgil and some awesomly racist commenating. He also beat Roddy Piper whilst his leg was broken, hired Andre the Giant to do the leg work with Hogan, bought the WWF title then when it was taken from him he made his own, far cooler, diamond studded Million Dollar Title.
Plus he always took the piss out of poor people and if memory serves ducked out of more title defences with DQ & count out than any other wrestler.
Also HBK should be in there! He screwed over Bret Hart in so many ways, dropped his first 2 World Titles cos he wouldn't lie down and was generally a jackass for the whole of the 90's!
Other mentions have to go to Hulk Hogan for coming back to the WWE at WrestleMania 9 and theaving the belt from Bret Hart via Yokozuna cos he was an egomaniacal lunatic. British Bulldog for the way he treated Dynamite Kid and The Ultimate Warrior for ruining his gift! Ha ha!
PS It could also be argued McMahon is a bastard cos he has been allegedly attached indirectly (legal get outs!) for the deaths of many big names including Owen Hart, Brian Pillman, Eddie Guerrero, Mr Perfect, Bulldog, etc because of the way he ran his business! Don't Forget Posted: 11/7/2006by: Mike White Don't forget Nikolai Volkov! Partner to the Iron Shiek.
Can someone tell me the difference between the WWE and WWF? 1 more Posted: 11/7/2006by: Aussie Joe And Tugboat was a bastard too cause he also screwed over Hulk Hogan!!!! Some more bastards Posted: 11/7/2006by: Aussie Joe The WWE has had a million bastards over the years.
Rick Martel, Crush (Demolition), Bobby Heenan, Edge, Jeff Jarrett, Eric Bischoff, Vince Russo, Greg The Hammer Valentine, Honky Tonk Man. They were some bastards.
Not to mention that rich bastard Ted DiBiasi was such a bastard that he went and bought his own bastard belt!!! worker Posted: 11/7/2006by: wwf What about King Kong Bundy, Earthquake and Big John Studd I got 2 words for ya... Posted: 11/7/2006by: The Dude Abides ...X-Pac! This guy oozed bastardness. He always played the weasel-y antagonist and did nothing more than jump around and karate chop his crotch. Oh, and he made a sex tape with a tranny (Chyna's a man, baby!)
What a bastard! Ultimate Bastard Posted: 11/7/2006by: Matt You forgot the bastard among bastards...
Hulk Hogan.
Now I grew up loving him, but as I got older, I found out the true stories:
1) Refused to put over younger wrestlers
2) Made Bret Hart look like an asshole (Wrestlemania 9) after Yokozuna (another bastard) beat the Hitman.
Now if we are looking at it from strictly a character standpoint, the ultimate bastard move...
1) Joining the NWO. THE FABULOUS FREEBIRDS! Posted: 11/7/2006by: Chazzy Star How can we forget Terry "Bam Bam" Gordy, Jimmy Garvin, and of course, Michael "P.S." Hayes? How many times did they weasel away the tag team titles from such luminaries as the Steiner Brothers and the Midnight Express? Hayes' inexcusible chest hair alone is grounds for the top five of bastardom. Million Dollar Man Posted: 11/6/2006by: Kevin Good article, Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase has got to be on it though, what a freakin bastard! Other big bastards no one mentioned: Mr. Perfect- Cocky Deusche bag Owen Hart- Jealous brother Lex Luger- Deusche bag, killed Elizabeth Razor Ramon- Dirty nasty alcholic, used the word "Machismo" Jimmy Hart- Most annoying human being ever
Oh and don't forget that Vince also killed Owen Hart.
Major omission... Posted: 11/6/2006by: Thomas I can't believe "Ravishing" Rick Rude did not make this list....the dude was a king-size, class-A bastard. But, thoroughly entertaining. You wanted to see his bastardness every week.
