How the greatest band the world has ever known ruined my life.
Journey: Neil Schon, Johnathan Cain, Gregg Rolie, Ross Valory, Aynsley Dunbar, Steve Smith, twelve others at various times, and Steve Perry. Their music has carried me on the interstellar journey that is my life. I consider them to be the singularity at the center of the quasar in the middle of the galaxy of rock. Unfortunately, my love for the music of Journey has set the stage for some of the most emotionally and psychologically damaging moments of my life, and for this, I must hold Journey, and Journey alone, responsible.
August 7, 1989 Fifth grade. One gorgeous summer afternoon, my friends and I were playing Marco Polo in a swimming pool with some girls from school whilst the Beastie Boys blasted on the boom box. As the song ended, Gennifer Awalt got out of the pool and began to change the station. I gazed at her in her swimsuit with the puppy dog eyes of a smitten twelve year old while she turned the dial until she came upon the Journey standard, Dont Stop Believin. What luck!
I love this song, I said. Would it be our song?
Um, whatever, like, my mom likes this song, she said with a roll of her eyes. Her friends giggled and pointed.
You and Journey sitting in a tree... they sang. As if.
Genny never spoke to me after that day. I felt so rejected that at a party a few weeks later, I made out with a girl in a leg brace, forming the nucleus of a crippling sexual fetish that haunts me to this day... Journey.
February 12, 1994 Junior Year. I was in the middle of the SATs when I stumbled across the following analogy, Olympus : Zeus. I was dismayed to discover that the correct answer, The universe of rock : Journey, was not listed as a possible response. Surely there had to be an E). I flipped the page... nothing. Where was the best answer? In my frustration, I drifted away into a fantastical daydream where I lived as a galactic paladin, scouring the Milky Way for my fair damsel, Chrysalia, in a beetle-shaped spacecraft made of a ruby-diamond alloy. All the while, I did battle with the winged cylinder and glowing spheres from the cover of Journeys 1988 Greatest Hits album, which fought tenaciously at the bidding of the Keeper of the Korg Keyboard of Infinite Wisdom. As I quested, I hummed along to "Whos Cryin Now" from the most ultimate album in the Journey catalog, 1981s Escape. Then I got sleepy.
My SAT score arrived in the mail a few weeks later. I got a six. That damn analogy had been the second question, and I had spent the rest of my allotted time in the wondrous, mythical universe of Steve Perry & Company. I was forced to abandon my plans of becoming the head of Sony Music Entertainment, Journeys label, and instead got a job down the street at the meat packing plant where I would later lose both thumbs playing air guitar to "Any Way You Want It" with a flaying blade they used to cut through ribs. Journey, why is your allure so strong?!
The Jesus of rock. He rocked on water.
July 22, 1999 My twenties. My Journey cover band, Jorney, was playing to a full house at the Cougar Bowl in Tempe, Arizona. The songs of the Greatest Rock Band of All Time were just becoming retro-cool, and I was on top of the world. Then, in a gaffe I will never forget, I stumbled over the lyrics to "Wheel In the Sky" off Journeys balls-to-the-wall 1978 album, Infinity, and was greeted by a half-empty beer can across the face.
The guy who threw the beer then yelled, Oh Sherrie!
That was the last straw. Jorney covered Journey, not Steve Perrys ego-stroking side projects, which were covered by Perry-A, my Steve Perry cover band side project. I flung myself into the audience and started what became a bloody, house-clearing brawl. In the course of it, I broke my jaw, and was arrested for stabbing a guy in a Styx T-shirt with a pool cue.
Upon my sentencing to a 91-day jail sentence, I was fired from my new job as a bank teller. Shortly after my release, I lost my car in a bet over whether Journeys upcoming 2000 release, Arrival, would open at number one. It did not. I had to move to El Paso to avoid my bookie. Journey, I curse you.
April 29, 2005 My thirties. Having figuratively hit rock bottom, I jacked a Honda Prelude in downtown El Paso while fleeing the scene of a robbery. I was headed to my womans crib in Nuevo Laredo, and was about to stop at the Pump & Blow for a case of Sudafed, when I saw two sheriffs in my rearview. Cold as ice, I downshifted and turned toward Big Bend National Park. I thought I could outrun the pigs, but they were in really fast cop cars with big cop car engines, so I couldnt lose them. Plus, they had a helicopter. Along the way, my phat getaway driving skills caused one of the cop cars to crash into a boulder. Totally juiced by that awesome wreck and some meth, I turned on the radio...and what happened to be jamming on El Pasos own Z-Star 97.5? Thats right, Journeys most bad-assed rock ballad, "Open Arms".
Emboldened by Journeys balls out rocking, I charged onward into the wasteland. The Smokies on my tail fired at will, but I was beyond caring for my life. Over the horizon appeared the edge of a sprawling, burnt orange crevasse. Journey had brought me to this madness, and Journey would take me out. I began to throw fistfuls of hundreds from my robbery out the car window until they formed a tornado of cash behind me. With my trusty .357 Magnum, I opened fire on the pigs.
A hail of bullets in our wake, the Honda and I tumbled into the gorge, my maniacal laughter echoing through the canyon. As I fell toward certain death, the crescendo of "Open Arms" poured from the Preludes six-by-nines.
Wheel in this guy keeps on turnin'
Steve Perry hit the power note in the final chorus as I literally hit rock bottom, crashing into the riverbed. The cops screeched to a halt at the canyons edge as the flames died down. They shook their heads in disbelief at the senseless carnage. Faint echoes of Steve Perrys angelic falsetto could still be heard from the ravine as I was welcomed into a hellish afterlife...with open arms. Damn you, Journey.
Sincerely, J.P.
P.S. If there is one lesson to be learned here, kids, it is that an undying love for Journey is a one-way ticket to a life of rejection, crime, drug addiction, and hate, followed by a fiery and syphilitic demise at the hands of law enforcement. So, the next time you are tempted to jam out to Journey and worship them as gods incarnate, remember that when you listen to Journey, you sign your own death warrant.
DEF LEPPARD and JOURNEY Posted: 4/6/2006by: Provo in concert....I'll be there to enjoy 07/29/06 in Dallas, TX and 07/30/06 in Houston, TX...... THAT WAS FUCKIN AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Posted: 8/11/2005by: rose,teener,emilee THAT WAS THE FUNNIEST SHIT I EVER READ!!!! I LOVE JOURNEY AND THAT WAS HILARIOUS! I LAUGHED MY ASS OFF!!!!! AND TO THINK: I FOUND THIS WEBSITE BY TYPING IN "STEVE PERRY'S PENIS". ... no, seriously Killer Joke? Posted: 8/5/2005by: JourneyFan Journey certainly was a force to be reckoned with in their day. I still enjoy listening to them today. As for being more of a fan of music in general, rather than stuck in a certain time period or with a certain musical genre or artist, I've moved on. As far as this somewhat entertaining piece being a killer joke? Guess I missed the punchline. UHHHHH Posted: 8/5/2005by: JnyGirl Your point being...............??????? Journey rules! Posted: 8/5/2005by: J Dawg I fucking love Journey...great fake stories!! Hey Sadie Posted: 8/4/2005by: voice of reason He also didn't really die in a fiery auto crash while listening to Open Arms. I can't believe you guys are seriously objecting to his pen-age. Killer Joke Posted: 8/3/2005by: ThisMusicRocks That was a killer joke man. You had me rolling in the aisles. How old are you??? Posted: 8/3/2005by: Sadie Interesting and entertaining. However, if you were 11 or even 12 years old in 1989, wouldn't that make you 27 or 28 years old in 2005? How could you be in your 30's in 2005. Either you forgot your own birthdate, or you need a remedial math class. Your credibility wreaks!!!! Mike II Posted: 8/2/2005by: Hagbard Celine "I draw from the energy that is Steve Perry....." HAHAHAHA, you fucking tool!!!!!! Mike Posted: 8/2/2005by: Hagbard Celine You're a total cheeseass, Mike. "I do a beautiful rendition of "Don't Stop Believing""!!! You're an absolute taint licker! Journey may have "rocked" a great number of people and I'm sure a great number of you still love the band, including the writer, but Mike, that is no reason to show your complete frat boy dry humping side, you tool!!!!
