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Damn this must be the best week ever! Britney’s red neck ass popped out future child star coke addict number two this week. Thank god! Hopefully she’ll start hitting the treadmill now and get back into public appearance condition so we won’t have to deal with any more K-Fed photo ops. That dude is a dancer gone pop star which at best can only amount to another J-Lo or Redhead Kingpin (one of Big Daddy Kane’s dancers who later released a hip hop album of his own for those of you who did not suffer through the Yo! Raps era of music circa Kwame and Naughty By Nature “not cause I hate chya”). In other news Anna Nicole Smith’s 20 year old son died mysteriously. My guess is that she ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti. Or she hugged him and he suffocated in a freak silicone smothering. Wait, they use saline in those things these days don’t they. So I’ll stick with my first guess. And finally this week John Karr was demoted from his potentially Presidential assassin level. As more information has come to light about the not so killer pervert he was forced this week to give back his middle name. The artist formerly known as John Mark Karr may serve time in California for looking at some kiddie porn on a laptop a few years back, but he’ll have to do without the three-name moniker until he actually whacks somebody important.
On a rare serious note I would like commend all the TV networks and cable stations that aired wonderful commemorative pieces on 9/11 this week. Now fucking stop! I swear people think that Saddam Hussein himself was flying one of those planes. The amount of public misconception is still at McCarthy-esque proportions and these shows don’t seem to help. So let me set the record straight about a few things. First of all Gee Dubya is not your president. Your president’s name is Dick Cheney and he is an evil genius that makes Lex Luthor look like a bad Telly Salvalas impersonator. But he did not detonate dynamite in the WTC. The buildings were meant to withstand an aircraft hit just not at the kind of speeds that literally knocked the fireproofing off of the steel beams. They melted and the shit fell. We knew there were no weapons of mass destruction because we sold Saddam his whole arsenal to fight Iran in the 80’s and we didn’t give him no fucking nukes.
Democracy sucks! We foolishly let Palestine and Iraq elect their own governments and have basically just made Iran even stronger. You can’t tell people they have a choice and then expect them to do the right thing with it. If you don’t believe me ask the people of Minnesota and California how the stars of Predator became the leaders of their respective states. Bill Duke or Carl Weathers would be one thing, but I seem to recall Jesse Ventura wearing feather boas that made him look like a Tuesday afternoon stripper on the west side of Milwaukee back in his wrestling days. And the biggest misconception is that John Kerry would’ve done any better. That guy might as well be French for all the balls he’s got. Maggie won’t even wash his drawers.
The moral of this story is that absolutely none of this has anything to do with 9/11! Some very organized terrorists with ties to Afghanistan pulled off an elaborate plot that killed over 3000 Americans. Out of that one day of events many martyrs, heroes, madmen and marines were created. Everyone involved deserves a solemn amount of respect not dramatized TV specials about tragedies, tsunami’s and hurricanes that seek to dominate ratings at the anniversary of anything bad that has ever happened in the world. Can’t wait for next years Pompeii Day! 9/11 is the Pearl Harbor of our generation, but that doesn’t mean I ever want to see Michael Bay make a movie about it. And now for something completely unrelated to anything important in the world. Part 2 of my day-by-day review of the Fall TV season. Click here to see Part 1: Sunday through Tuesday.
– Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! – Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby – Three Ears for well-rounded but average...like a white girl's ass – Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch – One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons. – An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Holy shit! There is one sitcom debuting this fall that is actually funny. Given it has the exact same premise as another new NBC show right down to having a number in the title. The only real difference being that one is a half hour sitcom featuring former cast members of SNL and the other is a drama about a fictional version of SNL. Somehow they manage not to cross the streams and both create witty and compelling television. Much more interesting than procedural shows like Justice that have more hateable characters than a Spike Lee movie and “Curb Your Enthusiasm” combined. And certainly better than watching the once great Emmitt Smith foxtrot a few more unneeded yards into his legacy on “Dancing with the Stars”.
Wednesday is apparently reserved for event-based shows that pose questions and take ages answering them. “Kidnapped” will attempt to better Fox’s “Vanished, but with a later debut the only thing that makes one better than the other is NBC won’t interrupt their version with Fall Classic. “The Nine” hopes that a bank robbery explained over time will hold your interest. And “Lost” attempts one more go round the island of imaginary dinosaurs and electromagnetic others that all started with what seemed like an innocent plane crash. For a minute I thought wrestler Chris Jericho had gotten his own show only to find out that Skeet Ulrich was getting his Mad Max on in the ultimate event kickoff for a show, a nuclear fucking holocaust. Where the fuck does it stop? I mean do we really have to go so far as to have a full on Skeet Ulrich show? But the poor man’s dingleberry aside the sad fact is that in a sea of crap these turds float better than most. In fact as much as I’d like to see Scott Wolf die in a horrible enema related accident, “The Nine’s” plan to stretch the events of a 52 hour hostage over several season of TV with select flashbacks to the event totally got me hooked. Now if I can just find a way to keep all the twisting plotlines of “The Nine” and “Lost” straight maybe I’ll still remember to watch “24” on Monday this spring.
How to watch the night Eat a late dinner. Watch “30 Rock” at 8:30, “Lost” at 9, and “The Nine” at 10. Tivo “Justice" and "Kidnapped". “Lost” used to be the show I would Tivo so I could go back and look for clues, but why bother when millions of people visiting the Tailsection.com are doing it for me.
What to avoid Any show where Mandy Patinkin is out of his “Alien Nation” make-up. His show “Criminal Minds” isn’t terrible as the number 17 procedural crime drama on the air, but I will never forgive him for Yentl. Also avoid any show whose soundtrack could be a Gap commercial, namely “One Tree Hill”. But wait, here’s a novel idea. Lets take two guys that were only successful because they were surrounded by talented younger casts and put them in a sitcom that only Rue McClanahan will find enjoyable. I know the networks need a slot where they can sell Depends and AARP spots, but isn’t that why “Nightline” is still on the air? “Twenty Good Years” is more like 30 bad minutes. And how about this. What if right when “Lost” is getting good in the middle of the season ABC yanks it from the lineup on November 15 and replaces it with a Groundhog Day crossed with The Fugitive like drama where a guy wakes up every morning framed for a murder he didn’t commit? Even with Taye Diggs in the lead role I’d bet you’ll still want to grab Mickey Mouse by the ears and skull fuck him for making you wait until spring to see which scruffy castaway Kate is gonna start scrumping. (She should’ve know she was gonna end up with some shady dude with a five o’clock shadow when she did those phone sex commercials.) Avoid the agony by skipping “Day Break” altogether and using the time to figure out how you are going to deep fry a turkey this year without giving your hands and feet 3rd degree burns from oil displacement.
Who would have ever thought geeky Can’t Buy Me Love star Patrick Dempsey would turn into television's Dr. McDreamy? Maybe there’s hope still for Haim and Feldman to revive their careers as TV lawyers or paramedics or something. Forget about all the shows trying to be “Friends” or the “90210”, Grey’s Anatomy has the sexiest 30 something cast on TV right now and thusly has commanding lead in the always brutal Thursday night war. With poor white woman’s Denzel, Isiah Washington leading the charge alongside Dempsey you can be sure your lady friends will be watching and saying stupid things like “Va Jay Jay” instead of cooze slot. But never fear guys. I’m sure Jesse Lamovsky would agree that the expressionless "Arliss" alum Sandra Oh Shit has been worth watching get Sideways since her brilliant stripper performance in Dancing at the Blue Iguana. Then again what stripper performance isn’t brilliant. If that isn’t enough for you to consider watching, here’s hoping that Katherine Heigl might try to fit into that crotch riding one piece that made her famous in My Father The Hero. What surprises me most about “Grey’s” moving to the hotspot on Thursday night is that NBC didn’t even flinch. Somehow they still remain committed to running with the charred remains of their once great medical drama ER. Long gone are the days of Tarrantino directed episodes or any involvement from creator Michael Crichton. In fact the weirdest thing now is that the show's remaining no name actors, like Goran “Slobadon” Visnjic have actually been on the show longer than most of it’s real stars. The Croat doc has appeared in the last 8 seasons of this 13-year medical run. Personally I’m screaming code red on errr. Get the paddles out and do something with this show besides finding another bad thing that can happen to Abby or call it and let this fucker die in agonizing pain.
ABC will attempt to capitalize on the weak ER by debuting its new show Six Degrees in the 10 PM slot. But with no Kevin Bacon in sight all this show has to offer is a back shot of Helena Christensen topless riding through the city. Maybe if her face didn’t look like she had been slapped with a cast iron frying pan I would care, but since it does I can only hope that the way these characters stories are intertwined ends up being a horrific car crash where all their mangled body parts lay together in one big bloody heap. CBS might pull a coup at the 10 PM slot with Jimmy Woods doing what he does best, acting like a fucking sleaze bag. I could give a flying fuck about another legal procedural, but just a slight glint of teeth from Woods conjures images of the guy who sold me a car that literally had a ride-on lawn mower transmission in it. “Shark” casts Woods as an unscrupulous defense attorney that has no qualms about getting his guilty clients set free until he is made an offer to come use his knowledge of Dark Side for the prosecution. It’d be like watching Johnny Cochran debunk his own bullshit.
And let’s not leave out Survivor: KKK edition. I think the Latino group got mislabeled personally. They look more like Rainbow Coalition to me, and by rainbow I mean gay. And the dude with the biker skull T-shirt is no exception. At least the black group is down to “represent”, whatever the fuck that means. They seemed very stoked to prove once and for all that black people can in fact swim. Or in their case float, because they are all at least 20 lbs overweight. And the white team seemed to help the cause of breaking stereotypes by spending most of the first episode trying to chase around some fucking chickens. My favorite team is the Asians who have absolutely nothing in common other than the fact the 4 of them are whiter than the Caucasian team and the old dude Cao Boi (pronounced Cowboy) is representing more the Tommy Chong set than any nationality. 2 Koreans, a Hawaiian, a Vietnamese and a Phillipino. Contrary to popular belief these people all hate each other. It’s like putting Jews, Christians, and Mormons on the same team just because they all believe in Moses. The black team gets my vote, not because of any black folks in the jungle stereotype, but because they are trying so hard to not sound “black” that they are articulating their needs to each other better than any of the other groups. “I would like to sterilize the water. As would I.” Not to mention they booted the fattest dude in the first episode who would’ve eaten all the rice and rats. I’m sure this program will bore the shit out of me as soon a Jeff Probst starts pretending to be the Wink Martindale of a new generation, but at least they mixed it up enough to get people interested again.
How to watch the night Watch “Earl” and “The Office” on NBC since they are the only comedies left on television. Then switch to ABC and watch hot chicks irrigate GSWs on "Grey’s Anatomy". Close out the night watching James Woods make the bad guys squirm with his Nic Cage like hair plugs. Tivo Survivor until they are stuck merging the teams and losing the "Black White" thing and then change it up mid season to "Smallville" in hopes that Kristin Kreuk will one day grow boobs.
What To Avoid Any gameshow host that once had a standup routine involving blowing up rubber gloves on his head. Any show where Xena the Warrior Princess tries to sing. And any show that Fox claims is a new and original sitcom regardless of the fact that it is running the same tired jokes about how miserable marriage is after the honeymoon is over. And for the love of black baby Jesus, do not under any circumstances attempt to watch Damon Wayans new sketch show “The Underground” on Showtime. He takes everything “blue” about “Lucky Louie” and everything taboo about “Chappelle’s Show” and turns it into the worst sketch comedy show since Carlos Mencia gave someone at Comedy Central the rimjob of the century to get a show on the air.
Apparently only two kind of people watch TV on Friday Nights, women who have 3 or more cats and guys who think that Everquest money has real world value. All real people apparently are smart enough to leave the house. Ann Heche fails at trying to get some “Sex In The City” and instead heads for some “Northern Exposure” in the dramedy, “Men In Trees”, which is the only real attempt to create any more interest in the worst night on television. Unless of course you like staged home videos of cats caught in basketball nets or babies kicking their dads in the balls with those little hard white shoes. Or maybe you like seeing fat nannies come to the rescue or Jennifer Love Hugetits playing with ghosts. Even Jimmy Caan can’t rescue the night with a “Las Vegas” show that is more worried about lighting and makeup then telling any kind of compelling story. Shit, even Vince McMahon has loaded “Smackdown!” with a who’s who of midgets, Boogiemen, jobbers and un-pushed former WCW stars on the only throwaway show in wrestling. And that’s coming from a fan.
Nope there is really only one thing worth watching on any Friday night, "Battlestar Galactica". You want a real social commentary on the post 9/11 world then this is it. A reverse Vietnam where instead of watching the number of dead rise on the news everyday you watch the count of survivors decrease weekly at the beginning of the show. This is might be the first sci-fi show that actually takes itself seriously. There has long been a tradition of stretch pant wearing spaceship captains, FBI agents chasing aliens and monsters, MacGyver walking through Stargates and fucking Muppets in Space on Friday night, but at best those shows have only 60% serious. The rest of the time they are a joke on the people who truly just want to see drama in space. Well good news folks "BSG" ain’t fucking around. Gone are the robot dogs, the whiny kids and evil enemy robots that sound like farting through a trach and look like "Knight Rider". When someone dies the characters feel it. Even the fact that the show has a built in evil twin scenario with Cylons that look like humans doesn’t make it cheesy. The show actually feels like heroic real people are put into a desperate situation and trying anything to survive. Even Edward James Olmos’ pock scarred mug won’t keep me away from what is easily one of the top 10 shows on TV.
How to Watch the Night Wake up, go to work and read Napalm’s reviews on The Phat Phree instead of finishing those contracts for the Mirren account. Buy tickets online for whatever movie Napalm didn’t accuse of causing fresh outbreaks of SARs and the plague. Have dinner with a fat chick who will put out. Get hand job in car after dinner and then ditch the fat ass before you spend any more money on her. See movie. Go home and read The Phat Phree again to see what articles made the best of the week and then slide in another message board dig at Joe Kickass that he’ll never respond to since he has moved on to new articles. Then watch "BSG" from Tivo.
What To Avoid Pretending you have any kind of life if watching TV on Friday is important to you.
If somehow the weekend arrives and you have already watched everything in your Tivo and you can’t find a date then I recommend losing twenty pounds because you are probably an overweight disgusting piece of shit. If that isn’t an option for some reason, then the good news is that Saturday might just be the funniest night on television. Sci-Fi Channel typically runs one of their awesome original movies like Dragon’s Breath staring the guy who played Furio for half a season on "Sopranos" or King Cobra Man featuring the acting of styles of Todd Bridges. Okay I made those up, but the real ones might actually be worse like Mansquito staring Parker Lewis who apparently can lose and Kraken: Tentacles Of The Deep staring the Don Swayze of Sci Fi, Charlie O’Connell. Top quality films like this have single handedly ruined half of TMC’s programming and all but eliminated the need for programming like "Hercules", "Andromeda" or anything starring Kevin Sorbo.
Over on Fox be sure to check out two of the longest running sit coms on television, "Cops" and "America’s Most Wanted". “This week on “Cops” Billy Jimmy decides he is going to straighten out his life, but to do that he needs to go to his baby’s momma’s house and get his dog back. If she won’t give him the dog then he is going to beat it with a baseball bat, cause damnit that’s his %&$#*$ dog. And if he can’t have it no one will. Our trusty officers head to the scene of the crime only to find out that Billy Jimmy’s ex is running a methlab in the baby’s room. Of course a fistfight ensues where the baby wins. Finally back up arrives but only because the black neighbor stuck her head and started screaming about how crazy white people were. Billy Jimmy shoots at two police officers with a fake gun and finally gets away and goes on the lam, (whatever the fuck that means). Next on "America’s Most Wanted" watch the shocking re-enactment of crime where a man pretends to shoot at two cops and goes on the run. "America’s Most Wanted" will offer a reward to any information that leads to more video footage of stupid red necks or inner city minorities that can be used on "Cops" next week.” You gotta love sitcoms.
How to watch the night Install Utorrent on your computer and then download old episodes of the Tron crossed with "Mike Hammer" rip off show "Automan" from the 80’s.
What To Avoid Driving 100 miles to visit that girl you’ve been talking to on MySpace unless you really want your 15 minutes of fame to be on Dateline’s next edition of “To Catch A Predator”.
1. Phat Phree helmer Charlie DeMarco has long been obsessed with mustaches probably because he couldn’t grow one if he put Chia Pet on his lip. So what are the best and worst crumb catchers in history?
2. Caption This
3. Fuck you if you don’t like my picks for what to watch. You’re so fucking smart why don’t you tell me what the fuck you want to watch this fall. Or you can be a good little bootlicker and tell your daddy how right he is about his picks so I don’t have to put a grenade in your ass and bend your leg back so that your big toe goes through the pin. Flinch an inch and you go boom unless you’re one of those whole food eating yoga freaks that just make me want to pound a case of Pabst and then bite into the belly of a live cow.
1) Best stache ever; Magnum P.I. Worst: Roseanne Barr 2) Stonehenge cookies and tittie caps... "DO NOT TAKE THE BROWN ACID" 3) I live in South Africa, our current season highhlights are the grande finale of Dallas and the pilot episode of Airwolf.
Charlie
What the fuck...
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Posted: 9/15/2006 7:06:31 AM
You can't be serious... I can grow a fucking mustache. If you think you are going to get me to disrespect my own face by calling me out in a TV preview, you are dumber than you look.
deuce
umm, wow.
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Posted: 9/15/2006 7:32:00 AM
the juxtaposition of britney, k-fed, & anna nicole vs. 9/11 in your opener is a total mind fuck right now... head... hurts... i happened to glance at my calender on 9/11 & notice that it is also called "patriot day" - what a crock of fucking dog shit. this country should have a moment of silence for each of the 4 "impact times" and each person should do their part & make an effort to help out at least 1 person that day out of respect for those that lost their lives running into a crumbling 110 story building to help save its occupants. it can be letting some a-hole cut in on you on the free way, mow your elderly neighbor's lawn, etc. anything. but "patriot day" ?? mark my words, in 15-20 years there will be "patriot day" deals at your furniture warehouse & automalls. makes me fucking sick.
Q&A 1. best: "Skunk" Baxter of Steely Dan & the Doobies or Art Monk worst: Adam Morrison (of phat phree phame) 2. there is just so much going on here that i can't focus. the model stonehenge made of twinkies; the guy's awful hat, vest, and grin; the fucking cake hat on the girl; the floor covering -foreshadowing that things are about to get messy... holy shit. great find. 3. check back in february..
napalm
Sorry Charlie
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Posted: 9/15/2006 8:19:31 AM
Don't get all Chuck Norris and shit on me. It's not that you can't grow a mustache, so much as it looks more like the kind that Mexican girls get in middle school, so I retract my former statement.
My Patriot Day is 4-20/Earth Day. That and Kwanza.
Christine
As usual
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Posted: 9/15/2006 10:15:52 AM
I completely agree with Deuce. Patriot day is so fucking ridiculous. What's worse is that there are so many assholes who fall for that shit and buy into it. I want to move to Norway.
I am really looking forward to tv this fall. I haven't felt this way since 7th grade.
1. Grover Cleveland had a very distinguished looking stache. Little Richard's makes me sick.
2. Bam Bam and Pebbles celebrate 10 years of riding the dinosaur (yeah, i got nothing for that one).
3. I don't know is this make me (more of) a loser, but I looking forward to that new Heroes show
Ernesto
MN
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Posted: 9/15/2006 11:08:11 AM
This article makes me proud to be Minnesotan. A mention of two of our own in one article. Jesse "The Body" and Kevin Sorbo- fan-fucking-tastic.
1) Best stache- this guy Monty I used to bartend with. He had red hair that would make raggedy Andy jealous and decided one day to grow a full beard. It wasn't the fact that he grew the beard, it was days later when he came into the bar with a beautiful, neatly shaved Hitler-stache that would make the Furror jealous. Worst- some of the girls that used to leave me generous tips and their phone numbers when I was still bartending at that joint.
2) Too much going on. It's giving me a headache. It definitely looks like something that would air on HBO's Real Sex series though. "On this episode we travel to a couples retreat where anything goes. Recreating the seven wonders of the world with twinkies and wearing birthday cakes on your head never looked so sexy."
3) I can't bring myself to watch TV any more. Lost will be tivo'd and that's it. Christ. I was bored at home last night, turned on the tube and I see Alphonso "Carlton" Ribero singing a duet with some big tittied black chick that's supposedly had several "hits". I found out last night that you can in fact throw a remote hard enough to knock a 42" flat screen off the wall.
antony
well said..
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Posted: 9/15/2006 11:10:03 AM
1. Count Spretzle, Mannequin 2 (not shure if it counts, but that mole with 8 inches of hair, he twirled his finger in constantly throughout the movie. how could a person ever get bored with something like that on their face?)
2. "...and here we have a fine specimen the Germanius Gonzoius Poonangatun. As you can see, I've given the lovely beast several props to work with, and I'm readying to drop a nice 'sheiser' for her to play in now" - The Late Milf-Hunter's illegitimate son, The "No English" Hunter.
3. the same i always watch, football, AQTF, family guy, venture bros.
fuck patriot day. i think deuce has a great idea for it, but seriously, does this country that is so full of political correctness and social checks and balances really deserve to feel good about honoring their fallen heroes once a year? let the dead, those serving and those that have served honor their fallen, as for the rest of you, do it on your fucking own time.
Milton
Good
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Posted: 9/15/2006 11:16:11 AM
But the only funny part is thepart about the aiplanes bringing down those buildings. Thats hilarious. I guess that explains building 7 too, huh?
Now, I know that the ever American and Constitution hating Eugene will get his panties in a bunch over this but who realy cares.
Wake up people.
1- Best Magnum...worst Rosey O'donnel 2- Wow 3- Nothing looks that great. I guess I have to go with Nip/Tuck.
Tom A
Napalm is Right
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Posted: 9/15/2006 11:19:26 AM
as is deuce (although so much going on that it took him eleventy times more words than ususal).
1. Best 'stache - Billy D. Williams worst 'stache - Brad "Father" Child(und)ress (keeping with the MN references)
2. "Too much going on here? Tom A. is going to be ashamed at your inability to focus."
3. Sports
dc
Patriots day
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Posted: 9/15/2006 11:36:19 AM
Someone might want to tell W that Patriots day is already taken. It marks an 11:00 baseball game for the Red Sox and the Boston Marathon (or the Battle of Lexington and Concorde in 1775 if you want to get technical.)
Great intro Napalm.
1. Best - Rollie Fingers 2. The Real Sex reference seems appropo - it reminds me of that episode they had clowns humping each other with frosting smeared everywhere. 3. Football, Lost, Amazing Race, and 24 next winter.
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– Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! 
– Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby
– Three Ears for well-rounded but average...like a white girl's ass
– Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch
– One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
– An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Holy shit! There is one sitcom debuting this fall that is actually funny. Given it has the exact same premise as another new NBC show right down to having a number in the title. The only real difference being that one is a half hour sitcom featuring former cast members of SNL and the other is a drama about a fictional version of SNL. Somehow they manage not to cross the streams and both create witty and compelling television. Much more interesting than procedural shows like Justice that have more hateable characters than a Spike Lee movie and “Curb Your Enthusiasm” combined. And certainly better than watching the once great Emmitt Smith foxtrot a few more unneeded yards into his legacy on “Dancing with the Stars”.
Who would have ever thought geeky Can’t Buy Me Love star Patrick Dempsey would turn into television's Dr. McDreamy? Maybe there’s hope still for Haim and Feldman to revive their careers as TV lawyers or paramedics or something. Forget about all the shows trying to be “Friends” or the “90210”, Grey’s Anatomy has the sexiest 30 something cast on TV right now and thusly has commanding lead in the always brutal Thursday night war. With poor white woman’s Denzel, Isiah Washington leading the charge alongside Dempsey you can be sure your lady friends will be watching and saying stupid things like “Va Jay Jay” instead of cooze slot. But never fear guys. I’m sure Jesse Lamovsky would agree that the expressionless "Arliss" alum Sandra Oh Shit has been worth watching get Sideways since her brilliant stripper performance in Dancing at the Blue Iguana. Then again what stripper performance isn’t brilliant. If that isn’t enough for you to consider watching, here’s hoping that Katherine Heigl might try to fit into that crotch riding one piece that made her famous in My Father The Hero. What surprises me most about “Grey’s” moving to the hotspot on Thursday night is that NBC didn’t even flinch. Somehow they still remain committed to running with the charred remains of their once great medical drama ER. Long gone are the days of Tarrantino directed episodes or any involvement from creator Michael Crichton. In fact the weirdest thing now is that the show's remaining no name actors, like Goran “Slobadon” Visnjic have actually been on the show longer than most of it’s real stars. The Croat doc has appeared in the last 8 seasons of this 13-year medical run. Personally I’m screaming code red on errr. Get the paddles out and do something with this show besides finding another bad thing that can happen to Abby or call it and let this fucker die in agonizing pain.
Apparently only two kind of people watch TV on Friday Nights, women who have 3 or more cats and guys who think that Everquest money has real world value. All real people apparently are smart enough to leave the house. Ann Heche fails at trying to get some “Sex In The City” and instead heads for some “Northern Exposure” in the dramedy, “Men In Trees”, which is the only real attempt to create any more interest in the worst night on television. Unless of course you like staged home videos of cats caught in basketball nets or babies kicking their dads in the balls with those little hard white shoes. Or maybe you like seeing fat nannies come to the rescue or Jennifer Love Hugetits playing with ghosts. Even Jimmy Caan can’t rescue the night with a “Las Vegas” show that is more worried about lighting and makeup then telling any kind of compelling story. Shit, even Vince McMahon has loaded “Smackdown!” with a who’s who of midgets, Boogiemen, jobbers and un-pushed former WCW stars on the only throwaway show in wrestling. And that’s coming from a fan.
If somehow the weekend arrives and you have already watched everything in your Tivo and you can’t find a date then I recommend losing twenty pounds because you are probably an overweight disgusting piece of shit. If that isn’t an option for some reason, then the good news is that Saturday might just be the funniest night on television. Sci-Fi Channel typically runs one of their awesome original movies like Dragon’s Breath staring the guy who played Furio for half a season on "Sopranos" or King Cobra Man featuring the acting of styles of Todd Bridges. Okay I made those up, but the real ones might actually be worse like Mansquito staring Parker Lewis who apparently can lose and Kraken: Tentacles Of The Deep staring the Don Swayze of Sci Fi, Charlie O’Connell. Top quality films like this have single handedly ruined half of TMC’s programming and all but eliminated the need for programming like "Hercules", "Andromeda" or anything starring Kevin Sorbo.
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