Juan Turlington does not take advantage of the wide array of felonies available to him in American society. Mail Tampering takes such little effort that it makes him feel warm and fuzzy inside. Every other Tuesday, abducted wanderers are snatched from their path, never to find their intended destination. They slowly become "Other People’s Mail." These are their lost, misguided voices.
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Lookin' good, Scott.
Dear NFL Fans,
The NFL season has barely gotten underway, yet all voting has been halted for the NFL's Most Awesome-Looking Player Award. Experts and fans have agreed that the race would be too one-sided and that any further running of the contest would only insult humanity and needlessly spread violence throughout America. The unanimous champion of looking awesome this year in the National Football League is Scott Player, a veteran punter who signed with the Cleveland Browns only two weeks ago.
It is fantastically joyous to gaze upon Scott Player. He is the only player to still sport the single-bar, "My face needs no protection in a sport where faces get ripped off" facemask. On top of this, he has decided to grow a Hulk Hogan handlebar mustache.
"I knew that the facemask wouldn't be enough to truly exemplify how fucking righteous I am," Player declared at an early morning press conference. "I went through a ton of ideas. I almost settled on a reflective shield that stretched from my helmet to my single bar and made me look like Cobra Commander. Then I realized that it was all about facial hair, and since I'm clinically insane, a bleached-blonde handlebar mustache seemed like the right choice."
If mustaches could talk, his would speak Awesomenese.
The mustache and facemask, combined with his enormously-sized head have fallen into place to set the standard for looking awesome in today's NFL.
"A lot of my teammates said that I should have affixed a gigantic yellow dildo to the top of my helmet as well," commented Player after receiving news of his award. "I'll have to check with NFL regulations, though, the dildo may have to be brown or orange."
We asked Player how he felt about some of his teammates commenting that he is an "enormous douchebag" and that he looks like "a player created on a video game by a retarded kid with brain herpes." Player just laughed off the comments and began drawing tiny footballs on his helmet with lipstick. "I can't help it if I know what it takes to look super cool on Sunday afternoon," he added.
Just take it in, nice and slowly.
Player was further unscathed when he was told of more comments from "jealous" players on his team. One undisclosed teammate remarked that Player looks like "an old, overweight homeless man in a Hutch Browns uniform from 1986." We attempted to remind the player about the Hulk Hogan mustache, but he was already preoccupied with chasing Player across the locker room with a cup full of urine. Even the disgusting climax of said chase could not wash the awesomeness off of Scott Player. Only a razor, a new facemask, a few hours at the gym, and a head-shrinking witch doctor could do that.
Whether Scott Player is being chased with human waste or punting pigskins into coffin corners, two things are certain; he is super awesome-looking and everyone in the NFL wants to look like him. He is the one and only winner of the NFL's Most Awesome-Looking Player Award.
All i could imagine Player's responses with, is that high pitched Cobra Commander voice from the cartoon; followed by the bat-shit crazy howard dean war cry.
Great read...I laughed out loud at how expansive the magnitude of his awesomeness is.
Posts: 256 Rank: 29 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
East Lansing, MI
Posted: 10/2/2007 10:53:27 AM
Right before he unleashes his punt of fury, he screams a shriek of pure evil. This, added with his one bar helmet, dapper 'stache and fine phat ass, makes the defensive line laugh their ass, off, resulting in a minimal return.
Posts: 234 Rank: 28 Joined:
5/31/2007
Location:
Gilbert, AZ
Posted: 10/2/2007 11:04:07 AM
I wonder if Scott Player's son has a deep calling to the "art" of drifting.
The only way he could be cooler is if he changed the name on his jersey to "Playa".
Dude kinda looks like he could have been one of the characters chasing the runners in "The Running Man". Instead of slapping explosive hockey pucks or riding motorcycles or dune buggies, Scott Player would punt explosive footballs and then half ass-ed-ly toss his body at the legs of the runner's and try to trip them up. Maybe they'd toss a jet pack on him as well just for shits and giggles.
Posts: 2748 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 10/2/2007 11:16:25 AM
Anything about this guy or anything. All I know is that I laughed outloud several times at his own "quotes". Also, brain herpes was pretty damn great too. Thanks Juan.
Posts: 562 Rank: 21 Joined:
12/8/2006
Location:
north babylon, NY
Posted: 10/2/2007 11:20:06 AM
Scott Player doesn't punt the ball. The ball punts it self out of fear of Scott Player.
Scott Player's left leg was amputated as a child, but his penis is so large that he uses it as a replacement. Scott Player's penis leg can kick the ball clear out of the stadium, which is why he kicks righty.
Scott Player once punted a ball, 90 yards, fielded it on the fly, and returned it 109 yards for a touchdown against his own team, just because he's Scott Player.
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