The following is a conversation taped by detectives during an undercover Phat Phree investigation.
Gentlemen, we know this might be difficult, but we feel we need to warn you to be on the lookout for "The Club Girls."
Girl One: I just bought the hottest outfit. Its so slutty! I am going to show thick cleavage and wear a mini and a thong that leaves nothing to the imagination. I will definitely yell at guys for saying sex-laced phrases to me, calling them pigs and assholes unless they are hot! Then I will smile! Morons!
Girl Two: Oh my God, Girlfriend! That is awesome. I am going to drink Korbel and call it champagne before I go out just to get a buzz tonight.
Girl One: Hell, Yeah, Chica! Lets sing songs we really hate really loud even though the lyrics are demeaning to women. Honestly, do you really care?
Girl Two: Um no! Women's libbers are granola-crunchers! Lets do that ghetto-ass dance that we do with a big group of girls while laughing as though it is funny!
(Both Laugh and do the dance)
Girl One: The club we are going to is so awesome! Have you been?
Girl Two: Nu, Uh
Girl One: Its called Lace. You know what it isit is the same club that we went to last year that sucked, but its new name makes it cool again!
Girl Two: Awesome, Sistah! Lets wear our new slutty outfits so we dont have to stand in the line tonightIt gets so cold and I am not evengoing to be wearing a jacket. It will limit my cock-teasing time.
Girl One: Yes! Everyone will hate us because we will walk to the front of the line and get in because were two single, anorexic-looking hot chicks with fake boobs!
Girl Two: and dont forgetphat extensions like Britney and Christina!
(both giggle, flipping their blonde weaved- in horse hair)
Girl One: I am so broke. Thank G-d I will not have to take my wallet out tonight! I am so hot that the men will spend their money on our drinks. I will flirt and get them to buy them for you too!
Girl Two: I will do the same, promise! Well have to pretend we are interested in them and then say I have to go to the bathroom
I Have Never Done This Before, haha, Yes I have!
Girl One: and never come back!
Girl Two: They will hate us when they see us talking to another guys!!!
Girl One: When we pretend we never met them! (Both laugh and Hi Five)
Girl One: We have to be in VIP tonight! No matter how close the booth is to the others, we have to make sure there is a rope, so people know we are VIP.
Girl Two: That is so easy, chica, we just have to find the old foreign guys make us drinks from their bottle!
Girl One: They are so stupid! They always think we really like them! We should definitely dance on the booth and show guys how cool we are!
In Unison: We are so hot!
Girl One: I hope I meet a hot guy tonight who buys me fruity drinks so I can act more drunk than I am and have an excuse to kiss him and act slutty!
Girl Two: Totally! Then you can leave with him, make out in the cab and go home and have sex with him and he will think you were just drunk!
Girl One: I know, huh! Its so funny when that happens. We screw like we know one another but we never do! Then its the same old drill..
Girl Two: Wake up in make up, hell pretend he has something to do, youll pretend you believe him and youll give him your number.
(Both laugh)
Girl One: They never call though. Sigh.
Girl Two: Honey, that is because the men you have met are such assholes! Youll totally meet the one tonight. Lace is Hot!
Girl One: You know, you are right. I am so hot. Their Loss!
Girl Two: See you tonight!
Girl One: Dont forget the condoms and your toothbrush!
Pfft Posted: 9/5/2006by: Matt Fletcher Very funny, and sadly quite true. I wish I could get off doing stunts like that. Unfortunately, last time I tried to get into a club wearing a miniskirt and a push-up bra, the bouncer just glassed me in the face.
It's bloody double feckin' standards. I just met these two! Posted: 9/22/2005by: Raz Funny as hell and sadly very true. I cannot believe a chick wrote this. Good One, BDC. Monskoy Divenchy, M.D. Posted: 5/15/2005by: Brenda Della Casa Hardly a man, dear but thanks for playing! Free drinks...? Posted: 5/11/2005by: B So, back to the article - which is hilarious, by the way - how on EARTH do these chicks get all the free drinks? I'm a hot chick (or so I'm told by guys, which is all that matters since they're (allegedly) buying drinks) and I don't think I've EVER gotten a free drink unless it's from a current boyfriend...so what the hell?
What's the secret here??? Tom Posted: 4/26/2005by: Brenda Della Casa Holy Crap!
You are right! I am calling a shrink-asap!
;) Brenda, Brenda, Brenda Posted: 4/26/2005by: Tom A The Joey makes some lame attempt to suck up (ahem) and you fold like a rest-stop road map?! Now The Joey and his leased beamer and his barbed-wire tat are all groovy? What the hell?!
I guess the way to your (ahem) heart is through verbal abuse.
An article topic, maybe?
P.S. Maybe I should have offered to spank you? Can't we all... Posted: 4/21/2005by: Brenda Della Casa Jo-Jo-
I forgive you for calling me fat and bitter and my talented colleagues losers with crappy day jobs.
When I see you on the red carpet, remember that we are now in cahoots and DON'T BE CALLING ME NO SKEEZA!
Peace out, monkey :)
You got me Posted: 4/21/2005by: Joey Wow, this thing is crazy I have never posted anything before today. This was my first visit to Phat Phree. I had no intention of pissing off half of LA. Brenda has a great head shot posted, and she is clearly not fat. I think everyone with boobs is a little bitter,that why I date men. I am sure Brenda host only the best events. I will be sure to shake her hand the next time I see her, if she can take a break from counting her stacks of cash she made off all the "monkeys". It was a joke guys. Oh, and how very LA of you all to let me know how much you make and how VIP you are.It reminded me of a story I read about a guy in a striped shirt. Maybe I shoud think about writing. Please do not respond to my final comments as it is taking all the attention from this comedic masterpiece. It is funny. I will keep an eye on your budding career Brenda and you keep an eye out for me on the red carpet. Hot Who? Posted: 4/21/2005by: Jus Judgining by Brenda's picture she is actually pretty darn hot, so the fat chick argument is out. If you click her by line at the top you can see the photo I'm talking about. As far as loser guys go, I'm a writer here and I own my own recording studio. We have guys who are graphic designers, TV station employees, lawyers, editorial cartoonists and more writing for this site, so I think that argument doesn't really fly either. Joey, I will however get you a complimentary pass to the Rainbow Room here in Los Angeles if you wanna hang out with all the washed up hair metal bands from the 80's. You might be able to get laid there. To "THE Joey" Posted: 4/21/2005by: Tom A Quit while you're behind.
Dated, passe, SNL reference? Lame.
Brenda is funny (and pretty hot). Moreover, it is not the fault of her or any of us that you get the dust off from women like these often enough that now you have carpel tunnel in your right hand (and your left hand "won't go there").
Have another Red Bull and pump iron til you burst a blood vessel, troglodyte.
