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(continued) Military Police According to Rick, who served in the Army, it takes a special kind of asshole to want to enforce rules, regulations and disciplines in the endless sea of military rules, regulations, and disciplines. We'll cut them some slack though as everyone they deal with is in camouflage and has a gun.
Municipal Police Officers The Asshole chip is a little higher here as these guys do issue citations but sometimes they will have to let you go with a warning when they get a called away on back up or if they get shot at while you're pulled over. (Happens a lot in Detroit) These cops usually work long hours and deal with all kinds of Human Garbage. You can kinda feel sorry for them in their shitty rides too. Their cars are from a motor pool which probably hasn't seem a budget increase in the past 20 years so it might have some missing parts and/or fucked up paint jobs and lights. Maybe offer to fix the trim on their '92 Impala if you think you might get out of the ticket. These guys can be assholes but usually not Raging Assholes
County Sherriff in a small town The asshole meter is climbing ever higher as we reach the small town Sherriff. There's nothing quite like having to stop in the middle of Jerk Water USA to deal with Rosco P. Coltrane and his merry band of dick bags. You are doomed when you meet this guy and here's why. There's nothing going on in this town... ever. So you and your out-of-state plates doing 70 in a 55 are about as exciting as the time the Lynyrd Skynyrd Tour Bus broke down on Route 8 in back in 76. Oh sure! They'll tell you all about it over pie at the Waffle House...also on Route 8. (Fucking great Hash Browns... Might be worth it)
Traffic Safety A.K.A. Meter Maids. When you see the GED graduate with the florescent smock checking out the parking meter by your car it's panic time. These people are assholes and a half. Getting out of a ticket once they start writing is next to impossible. Almost as impossible as the Police exam must have seemed to them.... Yeah... We both have a shit load of parking tickets.
Suburban Police Officers These guys are a few Asshole notches above their County Sheriff counterparts listed above because not only is nothing going on in the suburbs these guys would have you believe there actually is. "How do we know you aren't dealing drugs?" one suburban police officer asked me while I was quitely parked in a parking lot by myself. I replied "Why would I sell drugs in the parking lot of a Bennigans?" Actually that's a lie. I just sat there and let him yell at me, and then later I enjoyed some delicious Bennigans. Ok that's a lie too... Jim works at Bennigans and may or may not smoke up with his bus boys.
Holy shit, I have had a problem with almost every one of these types of police.
One time I had an asshole auxilary cop tell me that he would take me downtown too if I didn't stop talking to the perp he was arresting. When I asked him what the charge would be, he said "Breaching my peace".
My latest run in was with a combo lawman: the auxillary state trooper. And he was none too happy when he realized the only way to communicate with me was to refer to me as, "King of Syrup."
Also, the only cop i know dropped out of college after earning a less than stellar 0.32 his last semester in school by pretending to have mono. ...he's been promoted twice in 3 years
Posts: 1542 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 9/13/2007 8:44:46 AM
This dipshit campus cop perosnally busted me 4 times in my time at Berkeley. Fuckwad.
Also, never go to Newport Beach for the 4th of July. Just trust me. Every schmuck cop from Orange Colunty pull duty there for this otherwise glorious holiday. While getting an open container ticket I had a 10 minute discussion with one about "the word of the law vs. the spirit of the law." They told me they had never been talked to this way and didn't know what the fuck I was talking about.
Posts: 16 Rank: 194 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Reading, PA
Posted: 9/13/2007 9:08:08 AM
Kudos to the suburban cops. Running speed traps, collecting kids caught shoplifting at the mall, breaking up packs of skateboarders, sitting in my office parking lot for hours on end. No safer place at night than the Dunkin Donuts.
Thanks for "fighting crime", you guys are the real "heroes"
Posts: 300 Rank: 25 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
East Lansing, MI
Posted: 9/13/2007 9:10:16 AM
Actually is cutting edge. You know those giant radar "bulbs" that big ass yatchs have? Well, each of the 20 2008 Chevy Suburban MSU's campus uses has one of those on it, and they not only see if a damn missile is coming at them, but those fuckers have swivel cameras, night vision, and sound magnification on their cars. We could be 5 blocks away and they can hear a conversation of "why it's dangerous to smoke pot on the street".
Besides the time the cops came to investigate who stole my shitty roommate's shit. and the whole "drunken roommate on a futon" thing, the one time I almost got busted, my buddy and I were caught with about 8 bottles left in a 24 of Corona (I was a senior in high school, and I was visiting my brother down here over break, and I tell this to you because I know, I was a lame-ass), and the cops asked to see some I.D. I sighed, knowing how fucked I was (since I was 18), and as I pulled out my vertical license, my Eagle Scout Card fell out. He looked at both, grabbed the beer, threw it in the trunk, and told us to go home.
I'm gonna have to say, I think County Sherriff should be higher on the list as I have been harrassed by these jackasses on numerous occasions. The worst of which being in Holy Pond, Alabama returning home from a show at 2 in the morning. The jackass rides my ass for at least 10 minutes searching for some reason to pull me over. Then finally does pull me over out of the "town" away from all houses, traffic, and street lights. I was seriously thinking I was about to be one of those stories on the news about fake cop rapes and kills. I was beyond shady. Procedes to hold me up for 45 minutes while he searches the car. Finds nothing and lets me go without a ticket or anything. It should also be mentioned the only reason he could find to pull me over is ONE of the lights around my tag was burnt out (he could still clearly read it and this didn't warrent a search.) I told my friend who was with me that he probably went home and beat his wife cause he didn't get to arrest us. Needless to say, I haven't and won't be returning to Alabama again in this lifetime.
Posts: 16 Rank: 186 Joined:
12/12/2006
Location:
Swilladelphia, PA
Posted: 9/13/2007 9:47:08 AM
I love how the cop is all, "fuck this, fuck you, and fuck everyone. I am KING!" And then he sees the camera and is like "what's that? I have a camera too. It's gonna show you weaving all over the road. And your turn signal and stuff!"
That fuckin piece of shit screaming about who knows the law? What a fucking shit-sniffer. Then he turns into his buddy, "hey, what do you do for work? People commit suicide here so I'm just lookin' out for you." What fucking smacked ass. I sat and listened to that whole fucking thing just seething and couldn't turn it off. I want to go punch a fuckin' dick cop right now.
Posts: 173 Rank: 36 Joined:
8/29/2007
Location:
Boston, MA
Posted: 9/13/2007 9:57:07 AM
Coming from the meter-ridden city of Boston, I'd had my fair share of run ins with meter maids. These fucknuts have the blackest of souls. In a couple of occasions I've even seen them countdown by my car aching to slap me with a $25 piece of shit ticket. If I get one more boot on my pathetic Sentra, I'm pulling a Homer... fuck it.
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