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(continued) Campus Police Our Asshole meter is nearly to the max with these campus buzz kills. We don't envy fact that they have to deal with drunken 18 year olds 24x7 but then again nobody with a flimsy baton and a shitty Radio Shack CB should be able to pull so many power trips in one night. Here is a short mini list of everything we've ever heard and ever wanted to say to our respective campus police and naturally didn't because we're giant pussies.
Campus Police "We got a complaint about the noise"
Rick: "Oh really? Was it from my neighbor that's blaring "Mo Money Mo Problems" right now or my other neighbor that's has Dave Mathews on Heavy Play every fucking minute of every day in an attempt to get laid. You're probably right this STP is way too loud." (remember we went to college in 1995)
Campus Police "Weve gotten numerous complaints about a party"
Jim: "Really? Someone called and complained about my party? Was it my neighbor over there who has a couch bonfire brewing in his front yard or my other neighbor that is currently "keg bowling" with Chevette on his front lawn right now? As we speak."(I miss college)
State Troopers/Highway Patrolman Glorious Picture below Well if you've ever been pulled over on a state Highway you have our utmost sympathy. Odds are that you've seen one of these crew cut assholes in person and lord what a sight to behold. These guys are the biggest assholes around. Hands down... Bar none.
In terms of their role they're almost perfect assholes. They're not bogged down with other duties like responding to actual criminal complaints like city cops, and they don't have any lulls like the small town sheriffs. It's perfect. They just sit there and harass people all day. The 70's show CHIPS would have you believe that there is much more to being on the Highway Patrol than speed traps and hassling truckers for hauling over their axel weight but really is there? Oh wait, they do help people stranded on the side of the road. You know those helpless buxom ladies that probably already have AAA....Yep... you guessed it. Both Rick and Jim have changed their tires in the rain on many a freeway. Fuck off State Trooper Guy!
#11 The Police Coming in at the coveted number eleven spot is The Police. This smug band from England gets more mileage out of their rifts than their riffs. 20 years later when Andrew Copeland and douchebag supreme Andy Summers ran low on cash apparently a reunion was in order. Since neither of us could afford tickets we'll just write them off as assumed assholes.
Notables that didn't make the cut because they're too sad Bike Cops, Saftey Cops, and COP Rock
So there's your list. Please proceed to point out that the Police are our friends and the thin blue line between chaos and anarchy and how your brother in-law is a cop and he's not like that etc etc.
We know there was no videos in this week's 11 but stay tuned for the next weeks Ultimate 11 which is loaded with video. The Ultimate 11 Stand Up Comics.
Holy shit, I have had a problem with almost every one of these types of police.
One time I had an asshole auxilary cop tell me that he would take me downtown too if I didn't stop talking to the perp he was arresting. When I asked him what the charge would be, he said "Breaching my peace".
My latest run in was with a combo lawman: the auxillary state trooper. And he was none too happy when he realized the only way to communicate with me was to refer to me as, "King of Syrup."
Also, the only cop i know dropped out of college after earning a less than stellar 0.32 his last semester in school by pretending to have mono. ...he's been promoted twice in 3 years
Posts: 1542 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 9/13/2007 8:44:46 AM
This dipshit campus cop perosnally busted me 4 times in my time at Berkeley. Fuckwad.
Also, never go to Newport Beach for the 4th of July. Just trust me. Every schmuck cop from Orange Colunty pull duty there for this otherwise glorious holiday. While getting an open container ticket I had a 10 minute discussion with one about "the word of the law vs. the spirit of the law." They told me they had never been talked to this way and didn't know what the fuck I was talking about.
Posts: 16 Rank: 194 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Reading, PA
Posted: 9/13/2007 9:08:08 AM
Kudos to the suburban cops. Running speed traps, collecting kids caught shoplifting at the mall, breaking up packs of skateboarders, sitting in my office parking lot for hours on end. No safer place at night than the Dunkin Donuts.
Thanks for "fighting crime", you guys are the real "heroes"
Posts: 300 Rank: 25 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
East Lansing, MI
Posted: 9/13/2007 9:10:16 AM
Actually is cutting edge. You know those giant radar "bulbs" that big ass yatchs have? Well, each of the 20 2008 Chevy Suburban MSU's campus uses has one of those on it, and they not only see if a damn missile is coming at them, but those fuckers have swivel cameras, night vision, and sound magnification on their cars. We could be 5 blocks away and they can hear a conversation of "why it's dangerous to smoke pot on the street".
Besides the time the cops came to investigate who stole my shitty roommate's shit. and the whole "drunken roommate on a futon" thing, the one time I almost got busted, my buddy and I were caught with about 8 bottles left in a 24 of Corona (I was a senior in high school, and I was visiting my brother down here over break, and I tell this to you because I know, I was a lame-ass), and the cops asked to see some I.D. I sighed, knowing how fucked I was (since I was 18), and as I pulled out my vertical license, my Eagle Scout Card fell out. He looked at both, grabbed the beer, threw it in the trunk, and told us to go home.
I'm gonna have to say, I think County Sherriff should be higher on the list as I have been harrassed by these jackasses on numerous occasions. The worst of which being in Holy Pond, Alabama returning home from a show at 2 in the morning. The jackass rides my ass for at least 10 minutes searching for some reason to pull me over. Then finally does pull me over out of the "town" away from all houses, traffic, and street lights. I was seriously thinking I was about to be one of those stories on the news about fake cop rapes and kills. I was beyond shady. Procedes to hold me up for 45 minutes while he searches the car. Finds nothing and lets me go without a ticket or anything. It should also be mentioned the only reason he could find to pull me over is ONE of the lights around my tag was burnt out (he could still clearly read it and this didn't warrent a search.) I told my friend who was with me that he probably went home and beat his wife cause he didn't get to arrest us. Needless to say, I haven't and won't be returning to Alabama again in this lifetime.
Posts: 16 Rank: 186 Joined:
12/12/2006
Location:
Swilladelphia, PA
Posted: 9/13/2007 9:47:08 AM
I love how the cop is all, "fuck this, fuck you, and fuck everyone. I am KING!" And then he sees the camera and is like "what's that? I have a camera too. It's gonna show you weaving all over the road. And your turn signal and stuff!"
That fuckin piece of shit screaming about who knows the law? What a fucking shit-sniffer. Then he turns into his buddy, "hey, what do you do for work? People commit suicide here so I'm just lookin' out for you." What fucking smacked ass. I sat and listened to that whole fucking thing just seething and couldn't turn it off. I want to go punch a fuckin' dick cop right now.
Posts: 173 Rank: 36 Joined:
8/29/2007
Location:
Boston, MA
Posted: 9/13/2007 9:57:07 AM
Coming from the meter-ridden city of Boston, I'd had my fair share of run ins with meter maids. These fucknuts have the blackest of souls. In a couple of occasions I've even seen them countdown by my car aching to slap me with a $25 piece of shit ticket. If I get one more boot on my pathetic Sentra, I'm pulling a Homer... fuck it.
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