 | A distracted Brian Clark with his girlfriend |
LOS ANGELES, CA -- Im totally not a homophobe, insists Brian Clark, a 26-year old, LA-based graphic artist. I dont have a problem with gay males, its just gay mail.
Clark occupies a studio apartment previously rented by Louis Wheaton.
When the manager first showed me the apartment, Louiss stuff was still in it, he says. I knew he was gay because there was a poster with a guy wearing only a chefs apron and read Sassy Bitch in the Kitchen. And it didnt bother me. My best friend is gay . . . well, not my best friend. But I work with a guy who is super gay . . . wait, is "super gay" offensive?
After Clark moved in, he tried to rip down the squiggly mirrors that Wheaton had plastered up. He was unable and grew to tolerate them. He began feeling at home, like this place was his own. Until one day a magazine appeared in the mail with Johnny Knoxville on the cover.
I think Jackass is funny, so I was excited to read the interview. I didnt notice the title of the magazine. When I opened it up, there were these photos of nude guys hugging. Listen, again, Im not homophobic. I went with my girlfriend to Brokeback Mountain. Its just when youre not expecting to see it, it throws you off.
The magazine in question was OUT, a magazine predominately written by and for gay men. The next day, another magazine arrived in black plastic wrap. Clark ripped it open, excited because his Playboy subscription comes in the same package. It was not his Playboy.
 | You can tell a lot about a man by his mirrors. The squiggly mirrors in the apt. |
There was a huge, uncircumcised erection on the cover. Ive seen plenty of cocks in pornos and stuff. Again, its just when youre not expecting it . . . His voice trailed off.
Clark started to throw the magazines away, then his girlfriend reminded him that tampering with mail is a federal offense. So he emailed Wheaton to inform him he had some of his mail. Wheaton said hed be over the next day.
Days passed. No Wheaton, but plenty of mail. BUTT Magazine, American Grizzly, OUTspoken Support Group newsletter, Hot Male Review, Pride & Equality, Savage Male, Stallion, Male Insider, Tomorrows Man, NAMBLA membership renewal, Blender (which isnt technically gay, but is still pretty gay).
 | The deceiving Johnny Knoxvill cover. |
I stacked the mail up by the front door, so it was ready when he came. I tried to ignore it, but the eyes of the guys on the magazine covers seemed to follow me around my apartment. I threw my jacket over it. Then my aunt came over to take me to dinner. As we were walking out, she grabbed my coat, saying it was cold out, and saw the mail. That took a lot of explaining. Shes not as open-minded as me.
Fed up with gay mail, Clark threw it out. Federal law be damned. However, the next day Wheaton came knocking.
I hid in my closet until he left. Its hard pretending youre not home in a studio apartment. Any sound you make, people at the door can hear. Hes been coming by every other day now. I dont know what to tell him, gay guys can be so over-dramatic. Hell freak out and call the cops about his mail. Wait . . . Saying gay guys are over-dramatic is a stereotype, right? Its not a stereotype if its true? Im totally not a homophobe.
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