Robert Evans, producer of The Godfather, Chinatown, and Rosemary's Baby, is carried on the stage by two blond, beautiful, and topless Amazonian-sized women. He is set down in a chair made of albino Chinchilla fur and faces a theatre filled with 500 desperate-looking men. They are all there to be taught, "How to Get Laid 101," by the infamous Hollywood womanizer. Though his skin is like leather behind his signature gold-framed sunglasses and his comb-over reaches absurdity, Evans is as spry as ever.
"Let's cut through the bullshit. We all know why you're here. You're a bunch of spineless nobodies who shit yourselves when a beautiful woman even threatens to make eye contact with you. I'm here because I'm the guy who goes home with that beautiful woman and takes a shit on her. It's called a Cleveland Steamer, boys. Can your quivering brains even begin to grasp how incredibly smooth a man has to be for a beautiful woman to allow him to leave a steaming pile on her chest?
"I've been with thousands of women. Diane Keaton - before she was old - Mia Farrow - before she was old . . . You've heard of the "casting couch?" Well, in my office I don't have a couch, just a king-size, circular bed made of Peruvian velvet that rotates, vibrates, and emites a vapor that kills STDs on contact. I laugh at AIDS. I don't wear condoms. Do you think Zeus wore condoms? Fuck no. I have 237 illegitimate children that I know about and I don't pay for a goddamn one.
"What the hell am I doing here with you losers then? Simple, money. I've fallen in a little bit of a slump at the box office: How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, The Out-of-Towners? Horrible pictures. I'm on my seventh wife. She spends money faster than a coked-up Francis Ford Coppola in a wine, cheese, and whore store. So I figure I can milk you computer nerds and rocket scientists for a few bucks."
A slight man with boils on his skin stands. In his best tough voice says, "I don't appreciate you calling us computer nerds and rocket scientists. I work at a video rental store."
Evans yells, "What's your name, faggot?"
She was a zygote when he was 40, but she's still another notch on his extended bedpost
The man's attempt to be tough is immediately crushed. He gives up and answers, "Freddy Goldstein."
"Ah, God fuck no! No wonder you're not getting laid with a name like that. Women love Jew power, but they hate remembering you're a Jew. I was born with the name, Robert J. Shapera. Do you think I would have covered a naked Annette Benning with melted Godiva chocolate while Warren Beatty cried and masturbated in the corner with that Jew name? Hell, no. Bob Evans, it takes a gentile name like that for women to let their guard down. That makes it easier to slip 12 lines of Ecstasy up their nose. Other questions?"
A portly man stands and projects from the back, "What if you have trouble talking to women because the oil your body produces smells like a pile of burning tires?"
"Listen my wide friend, stop whining about your horrible body odor, which by the way is absolutely atrocious. I can smell it all the way up here. I thought the Michelin man was fucking a skunk. But still that's no excuse for not getting laid every night by a different beautiful woman or extremely-convincing transvestite. I once had three strokes in two days. The right side of my body was left completely paralyzed. Still, over those two days I had rough, rodeo-style sex with four 6-foot Nordic women. They rode me like a Viking ship caught in a Apocolypse-sized gale and pulled into port many of times to rape and pillage the villagers . . . if you know what I mean. No, seriously, does anyone know what I mean? I got lost in my own analogy."
In his younger years, he gave swimming (& intercourse) lessons to 14 year old girls
A young man in a Dodgers baseball cap and T-shirt advertising the movie, Clerks, stands and asks, "Where you involved at all in the creative light filters that Coppola decided to use while filming the restaurant murder vendetta . . ."
Evans cuts him off, "A film student! Quick they're the only people weaker and with egos more fragile than your own, Nerds. Jump him, beat him, he doesn't belong here and it will give you all a false sense of confidence that may even last until tomorrow morning. That's it for tonight. Next class will be held at the bar in the Ritz Carlton. Make sure to bring extra money so you can buy Papa Evans plenty of drinks."
As inhalers and bifocals are thrown aside, the nerds converge on the lone film student as Evans is carried off stage in a rickshaw pulled by two topless Asian women.
REAL MAN Posted: 12/12/2005by: D STUPID WHAT AN ASS! Excellent Posted: 11/21/2005by: Tony Plow This article is as solid as the man himself. Nice work! Kid Notorious! Posted: 11/21/2005by: Leon Ryan, that was some funny shit man. Robert Evans is Hollywood royalty. Awesome article. Jackpot! Posted: 11/21/2005by: Soylent Green Nice read... very funny. I'm going to start working on my tan so I can be just like R. Evans.
"What's your name faggot?" A Bronze God Posted: 11/21/2005by: Johnny Lydon Robert Evans once slow-knifed me in a truck stop bathroom and shortly there after I thanked him for doing so. The man is a classy individual, so naturally he looked me in the eye as he buried the blade in my belly. I also had a threesome with him and Ann Landers. It was beautiful. Restaurant Posted: 11/21/2005by: jackboot Great article. But I hate his restaurants, the food is terrible. KID NOTORIOUS Posted: 11/21/2005by: K.W. A great show based on a great man.
"You bet your ass I am."
Bring back Puss-Puss!!! Well then Posted: 11/21/2005by: matt I do like Ali McGraw even as she is tumbiling down piles of garbage she is still classy. the chick Posted: 11/21/2005by: jeff you are correct, Matt. the chick in the last picture is Ali McGraw, who eventually came to her senses and left that orange hag for Steve McQueen.
Upgrade! Robert Evans raped me! Posted: 11/21/2005by: Mack But no one will ever believe me. Because it's Robert "F-ing" Evans. The guy is a legend. And legends don't go to prison for rape. They become icons. If any posters don't know who this cat is... do a little research and find out. The article captured Robert Evans' vibe pretty damn well.
And yes, the last photo is of Ali McGraw, one of Evans' wives, who ditched him for Steve McQueen. McQueen was not a rapist.
