 | Me back when I had something to smile about |
The following are excerpts from the diary of Carter Donnelly, AKA James Diamond, in the days and weeks following his retirement as a male porn actor.
August 5, 2002
No more fucking on film for money. Does this worry me? Maybe. It was the only trade I knew and now its gone. I suppose I could always go back, but it was my choice to retire. Go out on top, you know? I dont want to be one of those guys that hangs on too long until their skills diminish and their former greatness if forgotten like Muhammad Ali. Or worse yet retire, come back, retire again, then come back again like Michael Jordan. No way man, not me. Im going out on top like John Elway. Im the AVN Male Star of the Year and the XRCO Slammer of the Decade honoree. Yup, Ive had quite a career. Now its on to bigger and better things. More fulfilling things, like a wife and some kids. Or maybe a dog.
August 12, 2002
Its been a week now and Ive only been laid six times. Im getting antsy. Desire wont return my calls and my layaway starlet Sapphire says she only works with industry people. For Christ sakes, I was an industry person a week ago! I hope this is an isolated incident. At least I got a shot at The Banger Sisters, some newcummers to the business. They were familiar with my work and wanted to have me break them in, and did I ever. So I guess if you count them as two, its been seven times this week but still, a one-a-day average isnt going to cut it.
August 16, 2002
I need a job. Im in debt up to my cock and I have no income. Things are getting tougher on me, but Im not going back. Im going to make this work. But right now Im going to wash down some Valium with some Early Times and call it a night.
August 19, 2002
I got work at a local construction site today. I have no experience, but thought Id give it a shot and the foreman recognized me from my film work so hired me on the spot. Yup, things are looking up. The guys were all real cool and some of them even asked for my autograph. Also, its been two weeks since I shaved my balls and I must say, its quite invigorating! Perhaps the sheer terror of a razor on my sack every other day affected my self-confidence in the past, but its no matter, I feel great. Im even thinking of shaving my mustache.
August 24, 2002
 | Former co-worker and major league asshole. |
With a mustache comes respect. Remember this and live it. I did it I shaved the stash. Am I happy about it? No. Do I wish I had kept it? You bet your balls I do! At work the guys all call me pussy lips and some are even suggesting Im a fag just cause I did some DP work in my movies and my cock would occasionally make incidental contact with the other actors member. What a bunch of jerks. Plus I dont know what the hell Im doing. While there is similar terminology that I am used to, it turns out that nailing a stud has a whole new meaning in the construction game. Who knew? And all the guys talk shit when the boss tells me to screw something. Im starting to think that the only reason I got hired was so that they could make fun of me. Assholes.
August 29, 2002
I quit my job today. Fuck those guys. All Ill say is that it involved some liquid nails and a stuffed animal. I just got back from the doctor. Pricks.
September 3, 2002
My balls hurt. Its been five days since I quit my job and a week since I screwed a broad. This hasnt happened since I was fifteen. I didnt like it then and I sure as hell dont like it now. I called a few girls from the black book, but its starting to look like Im on a blacklist. Even the new girls wont cum over. Times are tough.
September 19, 2002
I attempted suicide last week, but even at that I am a failure. I just got released from 24-hour watch and thought Id get back to my journal. Turns out leaving a Honda motorcycle idling in a closed garage will mess you up pretty good, but it wont kill you. Something about new emissions controls or whatever. Anyway, the doc said if I had a 74 Buick Id have been toast, but now I think Im happy to be alive. I made it back from the other side man. Things are really in perspective and I think Ill get that dog Ive been wanting.
September 21, 2002
Im going back into the biz. My agent/manager Larry called and offered work. Its a cameo in a Vivid movie as a renegade cop. I get a quick blow, then flee the scene when my ex-partner comes around the corner. Its a few bucks in my pocket and a taste of what I gave up. Im back baby!
October 24, 2002
This will be my last journal entry for a while. While I have gone back into the porn business as an actor, work is scarce. Some new up and cummer has taken over and Im old news. Even more depressing, most of my work has been with C-list talent and in specialty videos like Fatticus, Feet the Parents and Little People, Little Holes IIV. Its tough, but its work. And now that I know what else is out there, Im sorry I left. It was a helluva time, nearly three months, but I made it back. Im just sorry I have to prove myself all over again. This time I think Ill re-invent myself. Ive always wanted to direct. I have a good eye for the details and I took some great pictures at the Grand Canyon last year that I could show to some producers. Things are going to be okay, so dont worry about me. And so diary, it is with that that I leave you for now. And while life may be hard, let me always be harder.
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