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A funny thing happened on the way to Cambodia. As I was packing my bags, some shiftless 13 year kid shot me in the eyeball with a BB gun. That’s right, some fucking kid clipped the indestructible Napalm Jones. But, unlike most of you pansy ass maggots, I am man enough to admit my defeat, not to mention that I mercilessly beat that brat into a coma with the threaded metal end of a garden hose. Even with one eye Napalm can still lay the smack down.
My buddy, field surgeon Mike “Cutty Shark” Beeman was able to save my eye, but I won’t be able to see for another week. Since my vision is impaired I thought listening to movies might not yield the best results for reviews, but dammit Napalm will never miss a day of work unless some hostile force manages to capture and imprison me like that little cold war fiasco I experienced in Czechoslovakia in 1983. Fucking Regan administration thought we were goddamn superheroes or something.
You try jumping in to the middle of a tank warehouse behind the Iron Curtain and not get caught. Those motherfuckers may have been drunk and hungry, but they weren’t stupid. Anyway, since I can’t see right now, I called in some of the old crew to screen this weeks flicks and report back. This week’s reviews are the combined effort of those results as told by members of Company F, 1/9 Marines, 3d Marine Division: Shrapnel Smith, Mad Dog Martonsky, Huffer McKinley, and an old friend so bat-shit crazy we just call him Nam Guy.
– Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! – Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby – Three Ears for well-rounded but average...like a white girl's ass – Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch – One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons. – An added testicle for shit that is in between.
By Mad Dog Martinsky
I’ve hated Viggo Mortensen since he wasted ten hours of my life dicking around in those Lord of the Rings movies. If I were Aragorn, that shit would have been over in half an hour, including the five minutes I’d spend picking orc veins out of my teeth with a machete. But this movie was so good, I blacked out while watching it. It’s about a man who leads a normal family life, but turns out to have the reflexes of a cold-blooded killer when two thieves rob his diner. It’s like “The Long Kiss Goodnight” but with a man in the lead. Or like “The Bourne Identity”, but with a man in the lead.
After Mortensen went all Bloodsport on those two thieves robbing his diner, the endorphins kicked in, and the only things I remember from the second act are Gene Shalitt’s pointless cries for mercy. (Sorry, fucker, but you took your life into your own hands -- I’ve told you a million times that the third row is all MINE!) Anyways, I give the movie three bloody ears – one for Maria “Left Tit Goddess” Bello (I’m almost ready to forgive her for Auto Focus), one for Ed Harris’ scar, and one for William Hurt not waving his dick in my face like he did in The Fly.
by Huffer McKinley
Prior to seeing this movie the closest I came to consummating a relationship with a dead woman was being serviced by a Cambodian prostitute five minutes before a truck full of explosives from the North crashed into our camp. We lost two good men that day and three great hookers, but sometimes that’s how it goes on the field of battle. Had Oliver Stone directed this movie, you might get something similar to the above story. However, this is a Tim Burton movie, so in place of war and violence we get kookiness and oddities.
This film is seventy-seven minutes of stop-motion animation based on a 19th century Russian folk tale in which a man is taken to the underworld to marry a corpse. Sounds good, right? Well maybe to you, but I demand more action in a movie with the word corpse in the title. Still, once you get past the sappy love story you still have a movie about the undead so it isn’t all that bad.
Now here’s what I’m more excited about- the eventual porn spin-off of this movie: Corpse Ride. Given the porn industry’s recent willingness to spend more money on makeup and set design, this should be a fine piece of cinema—something the surviving members of my unit and I could really get into, especially if they cast an Asian girl to play the lead. I just hope they don’t try to animate that shit because Hentai can’t compare to a real hate sex flick.
by: Nam Guy
First of all, I never collected ears. That shit is weak. I only took balls. So, my rating system consists of 0-5 charlie testicles. And no halfs. Who ever heard of taking half a testicle?
Anyway, I was as excited as a fat fuck private at chow time to see this film, but right off the bat this film losses two NVA nuts because it stars Nicholas Cage, and because they never called me to get my input on how this movie should have been made. My nickname for awhile was "Hot Shit" because I got a bad case of the squirts from eating all that dog meat. But, before that I was "Lord of War", so needless to say these motherfuckers owe me money.
Where's my forty acres Lions Gate? Corporate maggots. This movie is about selling weapons. Weapons I like, but the people who sell them aren't worth the sweat on my boot rotting' feet. Selling arms is for assholes in pretty suits while the real fighting takes place on the battlefield. I was an arms dealer, only I sold the rigamortised arms of dead traitor villagers as keepsakes, not guns. If I see a gun, that gun goes into my secret munitions bunker under my garage and stays there for a rainy day, or until I need to unload on a room full of hippy liberal armchair patriots.
Speaking of a room full of hippy liberal armchair patriots, they loaded this movie up with pretty-boy commies like Ethan Hawke and Jared Leto. The best thing about this film other than the title is Bridget Moynahan. She's a beautiful woman, but I'd still plow her face until her lips were chapped. That may sound harsh, but it's really an act of endearment. Being in the shit will do that to you. You lose your sensitivities.
by: Shrapnel Smith
I'm not really into chick/pussy flicks, but this movie got me some poon tang. So, I can't hate it too much. I find that every movie is good if you are deflowering a 16-year-old (gotta love Ohio age of consent laws).
Anyway, this Showalter cat is was pretty funny. I laughed everytime I got weirded out by Holly's lazy eye, and looked up at the movie. This Baxter guy spends most of the movie trying to win over some hot chick, and in the end I think they have sex. I was pretty wasted so I might be mixing up me having sex and the plot of the movie, but whatever.
I dug "The State", so I figure whatever I missed was pretty funny. I'll probably go see this movie again alone sometime so I can appreciate the story a little more.
Over the years I have disembowled, maimed and killed many a man, but being deprived of one of my senses, even for a brief period of time just really sucks. So my question is which one of the five senses would you give up if you had to lose one? I also received an email this week asking why I have such a strange name and why all my friends have weird names. First of all, they are nicknames you stupid cunt! Second anyone who spends any amount of time in the armed services without getting a nickname is a piece of shit that everyone wants to see die. So my second question this week is, what would your nickname be if you were a Marine, or what is the best nickname for a Jarhead you have ever heard. You gotta at least be able to come up with better shit than the characters on "Over There".
Speaking of Marines, my buddy just got back from Iraq and he was telling me some nasty stories. In one story, this little fuckin 5 year old towel head was pointing a little watergun at their tank and squirting it laughing.....The marines aimed the fuckin machine gun at that future bomber and blew the little shit to pieces. Wow, that story hurt to even write it. My buddy is starting to get a little fucked up from this shit as you could imagine. Give em hell boys!
matt
Napalm
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Posted: 9/16/2005 12:42:39 PM
History of a Kilelr looks good, thanskf or th reviews, but this time around you just inserted jokes for a summary. Still gotta laugh though. Lost sense: smell (because the syink far out weighs any good smelling shit) Marine nickname I heard: Pussy Lips
dan.d.
napalm's question mark of the week
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Posted: 9/16/2005 12:48:47 PM
I would chooose to lose my sense of fashion.
My nickname in the military would be Friendly Fire.
Christine
Hmmm???
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Posted: 9/16/2005 1:25:16 PM
Napalm, Awesome article. Your friends are adorable.
My fingernails have the tendency to grow really long and my friends call me "Daggers" sometimes. That could make a cool military nickname.
Also, I think someone has assumed STEVE's identity. He is too nice lately. I'm scared . . .
P.J.
Too Much TV
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Posted: 9/16/2005 1:35:33 PM
Am I the only one who reads these napalm jones entries in my head with the voice of the guy from mail call? it's weird i tell ya, weird...
STEVE
HEY CHRISTINE
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Posted: 9/16/2005 1:51:46 PM
Maybe someday I'll let you scratch them fingernails down my back and you can call me Daddy. As for me being nice, I'm just trying to get into them sweet size 13 panties of yours.
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– Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! 
– Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby
– Three Ears for well-rounded but average...like a white girl's ass
– Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch
– One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
– An added testicle for shit that is in between.
I’ve hated Viggo Mortensen since he wasted ten hours of my life dicking around in those Lord of the Rings movies. If I were Aragorn, that shit would have been over in half an hour, including the five minutes I’d spend picking orc veins out of my teeth with a machete. But this movie was so good, I blacked out while watching it. It’s about a man who leads a normal family life, but turns out to have the reflexes of a cold-blooded killer when two thieves rob his diner. It’s like “The Long Kiss Goodnight” but with a man in the lead. Or like “The Bourne Identity”, but with a man in the lead.
Prior to seeing this movie the closest I came to consummating a relationship with a dead woman was being serviced by a Cambodian prostitute five minutes before a truck full of explosives from the North crashed into our camp. We lost two good men that day and three great hookers, but sometimes that’s how it goes on the field of battle. Had Oliver Stone directed this movie, you might get something similar to the above story. However, this is a Tim Burton movie, so in place of war and violence we get kookiness and oddities.
First of all, I never collected ears. That shit is weak. I only took balls. So, my rating system consists of 0-5 charlie testicles. And no halfs. Who ever heard of taking half a testicle?
I'm not really into chick/pussy flicks, but this movie got me some poon tang. So, I can't hate it too much. I find that every movie is good if you are deflowering a 16-year-old (gotta love Ohio age of consent laws).
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