I really wanted to kick my own ass the other day. I was on a business trip in Biloxi, MS and cruising down the casino strip in my bitching Malibu Capri. I normally bring my own CDs when traveling for a few days and renting a car, however neglected to do so. If you take a look in my own disc changer, youd think I have a pentagram tattooed on my ass. Ive got Slipknot, Slayer, Black Sabbath, ACDC, Iron Maiden and Public Enemy in there right now. Chuck D and Flavor Flav may not be up for drinking goats blood, but damn were they angry.
With those at home it left me the laborious task of finding a suitable radio station to listen to. This was easier said than done. Finally I landed on a song that had a decent sounding guitar riff, and I found myself bobbing my balding head to it. I knew it wasnt going to be anything too exciting, but it had a good beat and I was enjoying it. Then the lyrics hit. Ill spread my wings and Ill learn how to fly My good Goddamn. It was Kelly Clarksons Breakaway. My chick loves that song, so I have heard it before. But never alone. I reached out my trembling finger to change the station, but I was weakened by the original American Idol sirens voice!
Finally the song ended, and I quickly changed the station. The Clarkson Gods were against me that day, as the song had just started on another fucking station. I was compelled to listen to the whole thing by that gap-toothed turd, since I had only caught it in the middle the last time. Somehow, I had picked up some of the lyrics and found myself singing along. I was at a red light and had the windows down and was oblivious to my surroundings. Until I looked over and saw some brace-face pimply teen laughing at me as she was listening to the same damn song!
I held my head and cried like Ogre losing the arm wrestling contest to that Omega Mu in Revenge of the Nerds. If Glenn Danzig saw me, he would kick in my teeth. Tommy Lee would shove his drumsticks in my ass and probably give me some form of hepatitis in the process.
Then I realized it; I may bleed metal, but I still am a huge douchebag every once in a while. I guess I can only take so much of the head banging music before I need to listen to a good mindless pop song. While I dont think I can cover them all, here are five songs I want to kick my own ass for liking:
5 - Nothing Compares 2 U, Sinead OConnor. I hate that bald bitch. If I saw her walking down the street, Id probably mule kick her in the skull. Id tear her apart like she did that picture of the Pope. But I can go a good 5 years without hearing this song and still know all the words and sing it with a passion unheard of.
4 Stay, Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories. This was from the Reality Bites soundtrack. Reality Bites sucked my hairy ass. I never liked the movie. I never liked the whole grunge scene it represented. I almost stopped liking Pearl Jam because members were in the movie. But they took care of that later by releasing shitty music. Everyone told me how good this soundtrack was, so I bought it and it stunk like the elephant section at the zoo. But if this song comes on the radio, Ill blare that fucker and noodle dance all over my apartment.
3 Again, Janet Jackson. This song depresses the shit out of me. When I hear it, I feel like a 40-year old woman going though a mid-life crisis. I want to ball up in my bed, eat a gallon of ice cream and cry. Then I think of her disgusting naked nipple and I cry for real.
2 Complicated, Avril Lavigne. I get furious when people tell me this chick rocks. She doesnt. I even have a hard time admitting that Lita Ford rocked, but at least I could relate to Litas lyrics of getting wasted and laid. I cannot relate to ANYTHING Avril puts out, especially this song. But it comes on, and all of the sudden I am a 17-year old school girl, pissed at my parents, school and my jerk of a boyfriend Steve.
1 Bye Bye Bye, NSYNC. If you take a look at the lyrics to this piece of shit, it actually could have fit in on either Use Your Illusion 1 or 2 by Guns N Roses. It has more bite than Dont Cry, thats for sure. But Justin and JC and are no Axl and Slash.
Bye Bye Don't wanna be a fool for you Just another player in your game for two You may hate me but it ain't no lie, Baby, bye, bye, bye...
Anything else by these cheese dicks that I hear makes me irate. But I hear this fucking tune and my ass is shaking like I was the choreographer for the video. I cannot stop it! I spin, I grind my hips, and I do a modified running man. If youve never seen a 54 chubby old guy do this, I highly suggest you do. At least once a year someone finds this CD in my car and challenges why in the blue hell I have it. With no good excuse, I pull the 13 year old girlie defense by grabbing it, hiding it and screaming, SHUT UP! Damn you NYSYNC!! Im just kidding. I could never be mad at you guys.
So there you have it. My Sabbath Fan Club card is probably being revoked right now with a scribbled letter from Ozzy coming in the mail telling me to piss off. Just remember, next time you see some mulleted freak rocking a Korn shirt in his 88 Camero, it may just be Celine Dions My Heart Will Go On that he is mouthing the words to. And I may be sitting right next to him.
Sports - what??? Posted: 1/9/2006by: Ashley Funny stuff - I listen to a few things I'm embarassed about, too, though the Backstreet Boys is taking it a little far.
As for the whole sports rundown - random? Also, you obviously know nothing about crew. Rowers are serious athletes - they have to be. And the person who steers the boat and tells them what to do is called a coxswain. Just thought you could use the education. :-) Do you have groupies? Posted: 4/25/2005by: Kelley This is the funniest fucking thing I've ever read Sports Posted: 4/3/2005by: powerfull man here they are
Football - good hockey - good baseball - okay
Tennis - fag, weakling - dirt should be thrown in your face. you are a coward. SQuash - get a grip homo - you could not fight your way out of a wet paper bag. baseketball - you fight like a coward and only play a sport because you are tall.
soccer - are you a dancer or an athelete - either way another fagoo sport for people over 12.
crew - you are gay and have absolutely no athletic ability so you do the same repetitive thing over and over again. If it were up to me we would play duck hunt with crew people. what are they called anyway - crewman.
rugby - could not cut it on the football field - could you their mate. Rockin' Posted: 4/2/2005by: T'1605 Good stuff.
No way you 5'4". Nash's Top 5 Posted: 4/2/2005by: Amber TRUE! LOL Posted: 4/1/2005by: Beef Man, you made me laugh out loud in that second paragraph. You know you are not alone, we have all been there more tin=mes than we'd like to admit. Thanks for coming out to all the hundreds of people who read this stuff.
Nice article. Keep them coming. Oh yea! Posted: 4/1/2005by: Bob SINCE YOU'VE BEEN GOOOOONE!!!
-Ving Rhames You did it again! Posted: 3/31/2005by: Lcpl Marine Nash..... great story. I find myself walking in the same shoes. You hate admit it, but some music just gets you going. Dont worry i was crucified the other day for the BSB song in Napoleon Dynamite, by Wigger friend who only listens to gangsta rap. Oh well, BYE BYE BYE for now. HAHAHA!!!!! Toto Posted: 3/31/2005by: K I love me some Bye Bye Bye but the best song ever is Rosanna by Toto. Westerberg revisited . . . and pop songs Posted: 3/30/2005by: AC Okay, Westerberg was with the Replacements who gradually got suckier from Boink on . . . but they were a Minnesota band. If the qualification is being northern, then Rush and Icicle Works would have been on the album (btw, I dont like Canadian bands but that is another topic). Face it, if you liked Still Loving You by the Scorps, or the Lita/Ozzy duet, you liked pop songs. You just call them power ballads. What cant I resist? Hands to Heaven by Breathe (so weak I am) Freedom by Wham! Chains of Love by Erasure and, by Kelly Clarkson, that 'Since you've been gone' song
Now, I will choose between AntiFlag and the Distillers
