LOS ANGELES -- In a joint announcement by Walden Media and Walt Disney Pictures, the two studios announced today that, to coincide with the December 9th release of their motion picture The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, they would be translating The Chronicles of Narnia in their entirety into Islam.
You dont think we can market this in the Middle East? commented Disney spokeswoman Michelle Bergman, in response to a reporters inquiry. Well, have you ever heard of a little movie called Pearl Harbor? You know, the sixtieth highest grossing film of all time, asshat? The Japanese box office was $40 million! The fucking movie was called Pearl Harbor, and we edited Pearl Harbor out of it! Compared to that, cutting off Aslans balls should be a snap.
Reaction to the announcement was mixed. As Steve Waldman, founder of Beliefenet.com noted, C.S. Lewis was the most famous Christian apologist of his day, and he wrote his Narnia books to put Christianity into terms that children could understand. Sometimes his viewpoint could be a little heavy-handed, like in that controversial scene where Mr. Tumnus wiped his ass with a Koran and then flushed it down a toilet. But keep in mind: this was 1955.
One of the plot changes involve the Calormen, a race of characters from the sequels The Horse and His Boy and The Last Battle. These characters are an evil, turban-wearing, swarthy people from a distant desert who worship a false god named Tash. In a minor change from the original, Tash now is the true god, and Aslan is merely one of his prophets. Also, the character of Tash has been changed to Allah.
In a scene not in the original novel, the Calormen then sweep across the continent, from Archenland to the Eastern Ocean, ushering in a golden age lasting four centuries, leading to a renaissance in mathematics, astronomy, and non-representative art. Also, the Calormen invent a lot of words that start with al-.
Alison Lehrer, a spokeswoman from Walden Media, insisted that the majority of the changes would be hardly noticeable to most fans. Were being very sensitive about this. We dont want a repeat of what happened with Veggie Tales 2: The Passion of Bob the Tomato.
While emphasizing that the changes were no big deal, Alison begrudgingly described some of them in more detail:
* In the original, Lucy and Susan are co-rulers of Narnia, alongside the boys. So that had to go. Also, in the new version, Lucy and Susan are veiled. And circumcised.
* Susans love theme, originally sung by Dove-winning recording artist Nicole C. Mullen, has got to be rerecorded. God, I hope Queen Latifah turns out to be Muslim. Otherwise, were gonna have to go with that muezzin.
* The White Witch, the antagonist in the original book, has been replaced by a hybrid character called GeorgeBusha Yankeeman. And we know his character is supposed to be all white, but we thought it would be more colorful if we added a little trim. Blue trim. Blue trim, and a Star of David in the center.
Whether Islamic countries appreciate the new adaptation remains to be seen. A particularly thorny issue may involve the objections of most Muslims to the depiction of Allah in any visual medium. When asked how the filmmakers planed to address these concerns, Disney spokeswoman Michelle Bergman stared off into space for a moment, cried Shit! Shit! Shit!, and then ran out of the room, dialing a number on her cell phone.
In related news, Warner Brothers announced that they had acquired the rights to the stage musical Fiddler on the Roof, and were in the process of translating it into Scientology.
 |
