BROOK PARK, OH What should have been a simple beer run last Saturday night in Brook Park, Ohio resulted in mass confusion and ultimately, utter failure.
A small gathering at the house of 26 year-old Jason Hupp began pleasantly enough. Hupps friends and Finish Line coworkers mingled and drank as the evening progressed.
But as the night wore on and the beer supply rapidly diminished, the revelers came to the realization that a trip to the store would be necessary if they wished to continue the merriment.
I was the first one to suggest that somebody had to make a beer run, revealed party-attendee Thad Tillet, We probably had about eight or nine Silver Bullets left at the time and it was pretty obvious that everyone was gonna be hanging out for a while. So I was like, whoa, somebodys gotta make a dash, and its not gonna be me cause Ive already got two Doo-ees. (Driving Under the Influence convictions)
Home-renter and party host Hupp refused to go as well. Even though it was my house, I didnt feel like it was my responsibility to go, said Hupp, We wouldnt even have had a problem if everyone had just brought beer like I asked them. But my scumbag friends would rather just cash the thirty-pack I bought. Fuck that.
The argument concerning who would drive to the store continued for the next twenty minutes as the final beers were consumed and Hupps guests began crafting crude cocktails out of an old bottle of Triple Sec, Dry Vermouth and Sunny D.
 | Destiny |
Finally, Hupps friend and coworker Don Suzelis stepped forward and agreed to drive to the nearby 7-11 Convenience Store for more alcohol. It was at this point that the real chaos began.
I was like, alright, Ill make the run as long as everyone coughs up some money. And sure enough, thats when it turned into a real shit show. First, Jase said he shouldnt have to buy anything cause he already bought a thirty-pack, and I was like, whatever. Then Chad (Maurer) gave me a twenty and said he wanted fifteen dollars change when I got back. Mike (Schaler) told me that he only wanted like, two more beers and he gave me about a buck-fifty in change. Klein (Chris) said he didnt have any cash so he gave me his debit card and his PIN number and told me to stop at an ATM. Then he had the nuts to ask me to try to stop at a Key Bank so that he didnt get charged with a strange bank fee. I was like, Fuck you dude, Im stopping at the first bank I see, and he got all shitty with me.
From there the drama continued. So then Megan and Heather tell me that they dont want beer, they want Smirnoff Ice or some shit, a frustrated Suzelis continued, and they dont want the regular kind, they want the cranberry flavored type. So Im already about set to haul off and kill somebody when Thad asks me if Id mind stopping at Wendys for him and grabbing him a couple Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers. So I was like, Thats it. Im outta here. And youre all going to drink whatever the hell I come back here with, and if you dont like it you can blow me.
 | The Bounty |
Upon arriving at the store, Suzelis debated for some time over what to purchase with his limited resources, but eventually settled on two twelve packs of Busch Light cans. I was like, right now youve got to go quantity over quality. But I wasnt about to bring back Natty or The Beast because we just cant stomach that shit anymore.
Much to his dismay, when Suzelis returned to the Hupp estate, the party had essentially fizzled out. Nearly all of the guests had departed, save a few stalwarts who were quietly watching Old School on DVD in the darkened living room. Everyone had either gone to the bar or just went home, he lamented. I guess I took too long.
Dejected but determined, Suzelis made a point to drink two of the well-earned Busch Lights before going home himself. I was like, well I sure as hell didnt go through all that shit for no reason, and I killed a couple beers. But I was pretty tired after that, so I took off. What a shitty night.
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