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It’s a good time to be a man… if you’re a fucking woman. It’s like we’re frilly 18th century dandy fops all over again. Ten years ago I could get into a bar dressed like a fucking lumberjack. Camo fatigue pants, some Timberland boots, a Camel Lights pocket tee purchased with Camel cash, and a stained flannel were the norm in man wear. Sure there were still a couple douche bags that were rocking pleated hammer pants and a polka dot button up, but everyone knew those guys were one crossed sword away from being cum gobblers. Even hip hop style back then was still about a pair of Jordans and a Starter jacket, not double tight suit jackets from some rapper’s clothing line.
These were the days when the bouncers job was to throw your ass out for sexually harassing some “woperbeing” by saying she had a nice ass. But nowadays it’s acceptable to get a girl to show you her tits in a bar as long as you give her a free girls gone wild t-shirt and you look like Ryan Seacrest. What happened? When exactly did it become acceptable for men to shop at Express. If I really needed you to see my cock so bad that I had to buy a pair of flat fronts that was so tight you could see the outline of my mushroom tip then I would just pull my cock out. Besides, isn’t Express where girls go to buy inexpensive tank tops? A guys t-shirt costs like $43 dollars in that fucking place. And what’s with the fucking coms? The shirt folders seem to have better fiber optic headsets than most special ops forces. What the fuck kind of missions are these jabronis running. “Roger that. Two slacks off the line one click north of aisle bravo 7. I’m on it.”
Striped shirts are so 2005. Pink is the new striped shirt. Fucking pink! Tommy Lasorda would stop eating if he thought it would keep some asshole from wearing a flat-billed pink LA Dodgers hat. I’ve seen gangbangers walking around looking like they stole their wardrobe from a 4-month-old girl. And the baby blue stuff isn’t much better. I wasn’t allowed into a club last week because Nike Air Force Ones weren’t acceptable footwear even though I was wearing slacks and solid color button down. Yet the waxed monkey behind me got in wearing triple tight flair leg jeans and a fake concert T just because he had on a pair of blue and orange clown bowling shoe from Sketchers, an oversized trendy belt buckle that his shirt was tucked into, a white bandanna and a 200 dollar pink Von Dutch trucker hat. Of course I beat the bouncer senseless with my mini maglite and went in anyway, but that’s beside the point. Women used to complain that all the hot guys were gay, to the point that now all the straight guys dress gay. But gay dudes actually understand fashion. No gay dude shops at Abercrombie. Or buys loafers at the Mall. I have it on good authority that they go to Aldo for real Canadian made Italian shoes. A gay dude shopping at Urban Outfitters is like a real skate punk shopping at Hot Topic. But thanks to Old Navy any dude can get his metrosexual on and "Queer Eye" himself right up for a night on the town. So, women of the world rejoice that we’re all faggots now. Hope you’re happy.
– Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! – Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby – Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass – Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch – One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons. – An added testicle for shit that is in between.
You’d think after Charlie’s Angels, Shaft, and Starsky and Hutch that Hollywood would just let the old cop shows die. No such luck. But there may be a reason yet to try one last update. How about this novel idea. Instead of taking an old action show and making a campy tongue in cheek update, let’s make a update so serious people won’t have a clue how it has anything to do with the original. Okay maybe that’s a bad idea too. Shoulda better known better when the whole project sprung up from Jamie Foxx needling Michael Mann to remake his classic ‘80’s action show.
There was something fun about the old show. Maybe it was the all the Aquanet, or Afronet in the case of Phillip Michael Thomas or maybe it was the songs and cameos provided by Glen Frey and Phil Collins. At least we were spared Don Johnson lending the show any of the gems from “Heartbreak”, his 1986 catastrophe of a musical collaboration with cheese dick late night sidekick Paul Shafer. Maybe it was Edward James Olmos’ pocked marked scowl that made the show so good. Nothing says fun for the whole family like a gruff Latino who looks like his washes his face every morning gravel and Drano. Or maybe it was just the pastel linen suits and the lack of socks that gave the show its edgy fun tone. Honestly, it was the Jai-Alai and that chicks bouncing tits in that shoestring bikini in the opening credits that did the job for me. But the movie has none of what made the orignal Vice famous.
In fact this version is so dark that Collin Ferrell felt the need to really become a drug addict to get into the part, or at least that’s what his stint in rehab right after filming would suggest. I guess that's why Vice is in the title. And forget his natural good looks ladies. They have been replaced with 10W40 as hair gel and a Selleck of a mustache that would make Sam Elliot in Tombstone blush. And Jamie Foxx, well, he’s a tool. How am I supposed to believe this guy is some kind of baddass undercover narc when he ran and hid under a bed for days after there was a real gunfight near their Santo Domingo shooting locale. In fact, Mr. “I’m a big time actor since I did Stealth” refused to continue shooting outside of the country because of the incident, which forced Mann to use an alternate ending that took place back in Miami instead. Be careful what you wish for, pussy. Personally I wish he would stop trying to be R. Kelly or Will Smith and go back to his day job playing second fiddle to Keenan Ivory Wayans, but I guess there’s only so much work these days at Hot Dog On A Stick or whatever one ends up doing after the luster of Glimmer Man wears off.
So why did I still like it? I’m a sucker for guns. MP5s, AR 15s, Glock 17Ls, S&W snub nose 38s. Doesn’t matter. If it’s got a hammer and a trigger it makes me happier than getting to the Hometown Buffet on the first of the month before some welfare recipient has a chance to cough a lugie into the ranch dressing. I don’t know how Mann does it, but every shot and every gun he has used in a movie has been perfect since he filmed that bank heist in Heat. In post-production he goes so far as to have real versions of the guns fired in a similar size space with the same type of reflective materials so that the sound of each whizzing bullet and burning shell falling to the ground matches up perfectly to the action you see on the screen. Plus Ferrari’s in movies are sweet as long as Michael Bay is banned from the set. The plot itself is at best "Smuggler’s Blues" all over again, or a discarded version of Rush Hour 3, so if you’re looking for dramatic plot development I recommend staying at home and catching up on the past four seasons of "One Tree Hill" on DVD instead. But if what you really want is the gritty world the Mann created in Collateral combined with fast cars, high stakes drug running, and automatic weapons then look no further. This is every bit the sleazy modern cops and robbers vehicle you have been searching for.
More like Tucker Max must die. I really don’t get it. Chicks totally want guys to be waxed, gelled, and fashionable, but then they get all pissed when you use it to your advantage. Just like chicks expect a certain amount of attention when they get all dolled up with water bras and cherry lip gloss, I full well expect that if I show up dowsed in Axe and hairless that some taint licking is in order. The frequency with which both Tucker Max and the more realistic yet completely fictional John Tucker get to bury their mushrooms wands in some bearded axe-wound proves that it doesn’t really matter how big of a dick girls say you are if you’re well groomed and make the girl think you give half a shit about her for the first ten mintues of a conversation. Proving my long held belief that the asshole gets the girl.
So who the fuck is this movie for anyway? All the girls in this movie are shallow, conniving bitches who are all foolish enough to fall for stupid lines, yet too stupid to use their collective pussy power. But then maybe this movie really is for girls since most of the women I talk to seem to all hate each other and think that every other girl on the planet is a nasty whore. Its like girls really believe its cool when they tell their friends that they swallowed some popped collar prep’s load on the first date, but yet their girlfriend who got the dude’s Kaiser helmet in her twix factory the next week is the real slut. News flash ladies, you’re both hookers.
The only exception in this movie is of course the one chick who has to get the standard “nerd girl who wasn’t nerdy but now she’s a hot piece of ass” makeover from her shallow and conniving psuedo friends. How many fucking times is a movie gonna use that tired old bit. I thought it was dead when Pygmallion got made into a movie in 1938. And if that wasn’t enough, surely it was retired after Another Teen Movie exposed the Can’t Buy Me Love convention for the garbage that it is. Jesus, didn’t anybody see Nick Cannon in Love Don’t Cost a Thing? No? My point exactly. Regardless of the school sluts banning together to enact their ultimate revenge on the varsity lothario; John Tucker comes off like the dunce in shining armor against this group of Heathers. His vapid preoccupation with himself and the ease in which he cons these women is only strengthened by that pathetic manner in which all their plans backfire in his favor. They trick him into wearing a girl’s thong and it becomes all the rage with the guys on the school’s basketball team.
Sure, I like to see teenage girls teaching each other how to kiss as much as the next guy. But sitting through this shit is like peeling a potato and then watching it turn brown again. In my opinion it’s Tina Fey who must die because if it weren’t for the success of Mean Girls people would not continue to destroy the genre that John Hughes worked so hard to build in the eighties. Skip this shit and rent Sixteen Candles. The Donger is calling you.
Well Kirk “Sticky” Jones is no Wesley Snipes, but then again Wesley Snipes is no Denzel Washington so I guess it all works out in the end. Personally I’m more convinced by Sticky Fingaz when he’s playing a pot-smoking grunt in "Over There" or a drug dealing rapper in "The Shield". But I shouldn’t type cast the guy. If Tom Cruise can play a 4’8” vampire then why not some guy who got his start by beat boxing with other barbers. Oh right because one of them is a short actor and the other one has a frighteningly freakish roving eyeball. But then again, Wesley Snipes couldn’t act his way out or a Bar Mitzvah, so I guess it doesn’t really matter who fills his shoes. Who would have thought when I was listening to Onyx’s “Blac Vagina Finda” or watching Passenger 57 that either of them would still have careers.
At first I was surprised that the lucrative film franchise was headed the route of cable action show especially when I heard it was being created for Spike TV. Apparently being the network for men means that men like shitty programming. "The Dudesons"? Really? But what "The Shield" did for bringing HBO style language and stories to cable dramas, "Blade: The Series" is doing for blood and guts. I would have been happier if Jessica Beihl had reprised her role as the best assed vampire hunter since Kristy Swanson was Buffy, but I’m always down to watch a cool beheading or vampires being fed hookers by cops anytime, even if the chicks on the TV version are about as pretty as those asian chicks who smoke cigars at the back of the mahjong parlor.
Summer TV season on cable is fast become one of the best times to watch TV in general. A lot of these shows might not be great in the traditional sense, but they beat the shit out of syndicated and cable shows of yore like "Andromeda", "Pacific Blue", "Earth Final Conflict", and "Xena: The Lesbian Princess". Though shows like "Blade" ham it up with the over the top vampire cult infiltration plots and cheesy "Highlander" like flashbacks to the past, as an action show it offers way more than anything on the networks. The big boys seem to have no offerings in the “A-Team/MacGuyver” type category these days now that "Alias" is gone, and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna spend my summer watching Rey Rey get screwed by Chavo or Tommy Lee decide who is gonna be the next egotistical coke whore to front a piss poor washed up rock band. Who needs that when Motorhead is still around?
1. As you might have noticed I'm having some minor issues with the lesser sex this week. I appologize. It's because I got dumped last week. In fact my intro was hate inspired by that cum-trap who told me she couldn’t have sex with me unless I stopped wearing combat boots. I broke her tibia with a toothbrush, but I have considered that I might want to get laid again in the futre, so I wanna try shopping for clothes somewhere other than the surplus store and the swap meat. So my question is honestly where should a man shop for clothes?
2. Caption This
3. My buddy Shrapnel Smith tells me that I should be glad my lady friend left me because she was a fucking pig. But seriously is there really anything wrong with hoggin’? If you would never bang a fat girl tell me why. If you would, then you had better explain yourself as well. Personally I like the sweat. It turns every crevasse into a warm soft labia.
1. I haven't shopped in a while; I usually only shop for Chrismas presents for my family, and then buy shit for myself when I get somthing for my brother and then decide it's too dope to give to him.
2. I know, I know, you're the Aristocrats.
3. 100% honest, I had sex 6 times this past weekend with a girl who is a *little* heavy, and it was great. (Yes we hooked up for the first time Sat. night; and Sun afternoon was and will be our last time. Sorry.)
Aside to Matt L McCoy -- dude, sometimes sticking around has an upside.
Alex
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Posted: 7/28/2006 5:43:01 AM
1. Bottoms - Whatever my girlfriend buys me. I think express and H&M? Tops - I pretty much only wear t-shirts and if a t-shirt isn't free, it isn't cool in my book.
2. Can't beat that aristocrats line.
3. No, nothing wrong with that. Why? Because I like to ejaculate sperm. Call me crazy, but I think it feels good.
Ivan Graham
Well...
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Posted: 7/28/2006 7:49:35 AM
1. Go to Jos. A. Bank. You won't end up looking like every other Hollister-obsessed prick at the bar, AND they have a clearance rack with nice shit cheap.
2. It's chocolate pudding you fucking perv!
3. Bitches are like college. You get into the best one you can. If you don't like the one you got, transfer.
MisterOrange
Nothing on 2
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Posted: 7/28/2006 8:08:00 AM
1) The Salvation Amry's thrift shop does it for me.
3) There's absolutely nothing wrong with fat chicks, besides, it's all pink on the inside.
Koniver
Hoggin
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Posted: 7/28/2006 8:10:27 AM
1. If you actually want good collared shirts that aren't striped or pink and that every other asshole is not wearing, shop Brooks Brothers and Vineyard Vines. Good shit, a bit expensive but BB always has sales on their shirts.
2. A session of ATM that went horribly wrong.
3. Hoggin is a tradition that every man must partake in. Settling: When you just don't care anymore.
Captain Obvious
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Posted: 7/28/2006 8:33:52 AM
Goo Goo Ga Ga. I've got shit all over my face.
deuce
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Posted: 7/28/2006 10:02:50 AM
there aren't enough guns in columbia to get me to watch any shit storm that colin "i'm irish-i drink-i smoke-cool, huh?" farell or jaime "i was in 'ray'" foxx is a part of. these movies must die.
Q&A 1. ll bean - quality made, durable clothes that arent too expensive. plus their style is pretty basic and not too intense (you'll thank yourself in 10 years looking back at pics when you're the only one not in neon hammer pants)
2. if you arent gonna change my diaper, then i'll do it myself.
3. girls have got to be soft. otherwise, i'd just fuck a dude... plump = more cushion for the pushin' and i dont want to bang some ethiopian so.. give me a little weight please..
deuce
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Posted: 7/28/2006 10:04:05 AM
"shitter's full!"
The Instigator
Poop an baby
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Posted: 7/28/2006 10:14:02 AM
1. I buy clothes that I like regardless where they're from. Suck it up; I you like it, who the hell cares if it's from Sears or Bananna Hammock Republic? Besides last time someone gave me shit about clothes, I shattered their jaw with a hook kick
2. Daddy bent over in front of me and said "Pull my finger"
3. Never understood why this was acceptable. Maybe I'm vain or narcissistic, but I'll gladly take five quick minutes with Ms. Rosie Palm than trying to find an opening that resembles a labia. Settling is for quiters and pussies with self-esteem issues.
Christine
Napalm
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Posted: 7/28/2006 10:54:44 AM
Nicely done again. I never watched Miami Vice the series so I will not waste my money on the film and I completely agree with Deuce's logic on the stars of the film or movie. i think this is more of a movie.
Also, I am sorry about the whore you were dating, you are probably better off. Girls are the worst creatures on earth. There isn't one of us that isn;t jealous or bitter about something the other girl has. anyone who says differently is lying. When I see a tall, thin, beautiful girl walk by, i want to punch her in the face. its just in our nature. We are evil, take heed gentleman. When we are dating a really really nice guy who is all about us and takes us places and loves us unconditionally, we get tired of it because there is no challenge. When we date assholes, we are heart broken and bitter and mean to the next person who comes along. There is no way to be both.
1. As for clothing, I like dirty guys who really don't care if their shirts are clean or dirty. And I am not talking about cheesy hipsters who spend their mornings carefully cultivating their wrinkles and messing up their hair to perfection. But if you are looking for a girl who is trendy and vapid, then i am afraid those ridiculous expensive stores like express and the previous named are your only shot. Personally, i don't think a guy should ever shop. wear what you have and then when you meet someone, let her do the shopping.
2. "Agustus....save some room for later".
3. Being quite chubby myself, I would suggest giving more love to big girls. We're usually pretty funny and are able to carry on with interesting conversations. Most of us can cook and are really good at sex. I'm not suggesting marrying a 2 ton women who looks like she might die at any second, but there is no reason to neglect the girls with some chub. If her waist is small and her curves are kickin......
Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
– Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! 
– Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby
– Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass
– Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch
– One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
– An added testicle for shit that is in between.
You’d think after Charlie’s Angels, Shaft, and Starsky and Hutch that Hollywood would just let the old cop shows die. No such luck. But there may be a reason yet to try one last update. How about this novel idea. Instead of taking an old action show and making a campy tongue in cheek update, let’s make a update so serious people won’t have a clue how it has anything to do with the original. Okay maybe that’s a bad idea too. Shoulda better known better when the whole project sprung up from Jamie Foxx needling Michael Mann to remake his classic ‘80’s action show.
More like Tucker Max must die. I really don’t get it. Chicks totally want guys to be waxed, gelled, and fashionable, but then they get all pissed when you use it to your advantage. Just like chicks expect a certain amount of attention when they get all dolled up with water bras and cherry lip gloss, I full well expect that if I show up dowsed in Axe and hairless that some taint licking is in order. The frequency with which both Tucker Max and the more realistic yet completely fictional John Tucker get to bury their mushrooms wands in some bearded axe-wound proves that it doesn’t really matter how big of a dick girls say you are if you’re well groomed and make the girl think you give half a shit about her for the first ten mintues of a conversation. Proving my long held belief that the asshole gets the girl.
Well Kirk “Sticky” Jones is no Wesley Snipes, but then again Wesley Snipes is no Denzel Washington so I guess it all works out in the end. Personally I’m more convinced by Sticky Fingaz when he’s playing a pot-smoking grunt in "Over There" or a drug dealing rapper in "The Shield". But I shouldn’t type cast the guy. If Tom Cruise can play a 4’8” vampire then why not some guy who got his start by beat boxing with other barbers. Oh right because one of them is a short actor and the other one has a frighteningly freakish roving eyeball. But then again, Wesley Snipes couldn’t act his way out or a Bar Mitzvah, so I guess it doesn’t really matter who fills his shoes. Who would have thought when I was listening to Onyx’s “Blac Vagina Finda” or watching Passenger 57 that either of them would still have careers. 
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