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Let’s keep this short and sweet, like Fred Durst’s mushroom tip covered in Hershey’s syrup. Is it really fun to win Contra with the cheat code? When did we get to be so goddamn lazy? I wish I could "up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, b, a, b, a, start" my way through life, but it doesn’t work that way. Sometimes you gotta work your way up through the Soda Popinskis and Bald Bulls of the world and just wait for Tyson to blink before you really deserve to get ahead. Is there really a point to a Final Fantasy Walkthrough? It’s gonna take you 3 weeks to solve that shit either way, do you honestly feel the need to have the super chocobo card for the mini game when you do it? Just summon Shiva and be done with it.
These days the world is full of shortcuts. I’m sure some people like the Mobil Superpass, but you still gotta get out and pump the fucking gas. It is not worth having one more fucking thing on my keychain that saves time just so I don’t have to swipe my card. The beeper for two cars, plus the “Magic Start” magnetic kill switch key, the gate opener, a swiss army knife, a mini mag-lite, 10 keys to my different gun lockers, a Detroit Lions bottle opener, and my lucky bullet is enough. I already sound like the ghost of Christmas past walking down the hall as it is. And gastric bypass surgery? Talk about shortcuts. Basically you can just eat and eat until one day they just take out all the shit clogged guts. It’s like that quantum physics thing where they ask you what is the shortest distance between to points on a string. It’s not a straight line. It’s bending the string until the two points come together. Who needs to do a squat thrust or eat broccoli when they can just literally sew a short cut into your fat ass. So what if this surgery saves lives. Maybe you deserve to die if your idea of exercise is pulling that handle on the side of your BarcaLounger. In the end you’re not really winning Metal Gear if you use "5XZ1C GZZZG UOOOU UYRZZ NTOZ3" to get all the weapons and you’re not really a healthy skinny person because you were gutted with a scalpel.
– Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! – Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby – Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass – Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch – One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons. – An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Did you ever think you’d see a grown man punch a bear trap or drink horse semen? Me neither, and that’s why 10,000 asinine stunts later Jackass is still funny. It’s not the kind of humor that is clever or witty, it’s the kind of kicked in the nuts, dropped the baby and scared the cat up the side of the wall humor that has kept "America’s Funniest Home Videos" on the air for 17 years. The difference here being that these ridiculous gags are actually well thought out and planned, and thusly have a sense of comedic slapstick timing that is seldom used in this day and age. I would have never imagined when I was a kid watching the Three Stooges or Peter Sellers as Inspector Clouseau that it’s modern day evolution would be watching Johnny Knoxville get bitten by an anaconda or gored by bull, but it is just that.
As idiotic as it may be, since the day Knoxville had a gun fired at him in a Kevlar vest at point blank range, this band of skateboarding, shopping cart riding, fart giggling Laurel and Hardy’s have been the kings of physical comedy. Nothing in this movie is as good as dry firing in a hardware store toilet or rectal insertions of foreign objects, but in a day and age where the croc hunter gets killed just taking a swim, these guys manage to pull off way more incredible feats with a dramatic sense of irony and barely a scratch on themselves. Guys like Steve Irwin and David Blane are only mildly interesting because you think they will get hurt but never do. These Jackasses are genuinely exciting because you are waiting for the moment when they do get hurt and keeping your fingers crossed that this isn’t some snuff film they made just for your enjoyment. It’s Funny Faces Of Death.
It really becomes a sick balancing act of tension and release except with some real stakes unlike what comedy normally gives you as tension like Ross and Chandler stuck in an elevator or Uma Thurman throwing a shark into her ex-boyfriends bed. In the Jackass world these idiots really would put a live cougar in the car to get one of their buddies to drive faster and you would wait with glee for the moment when he actually gets mauled if only to then eagerly anticipate when all the guys laugh about it and let the midget dry hump someone. You really shouldn’t try these stunts at home because obviously these guys really are professionals if they can still make me laugh at launching a man into a lake with a giant red rocket after 7 years of this crap. Copy cats beware, if you attempt to hurt your buddies for my amusement I will laugh at you on YouTube, but unless you find 40 things funnier than gluing your pubes to your friends face I will never pay for it.
The south moves in a perpetual state of Keanu Reeves “whoa”-ing his way through bullet time. Like trying to run your finger through cold molasses. That’s part of the southern charm. Ain’t nothing so important that you ain’t got time for a sit down on the porch or a glass of sweet tea. Louisiana (or luzee yonna as real southern folk say) and the South in general have long been immune to the hustle and bustle of the outside world. That’s why when some southern politician comes along with a boisterous charm and wit they stand out head and shoulders above the fray. For better or worse everyone remembers Bill Clinton, Strom Thurmond and David Duke, colorful characters that let the power go to their heads a little. When the original novel was written in 1946 it’s main character, Willie Stark, was patterned after real life governor Huey Long who was a self proclaimed Kingfish and once threatened to dynamite his opposition. Who wouldn’t remember that guy? People loved him for his “Every Man A King” speeches and rivals hated him so much they literally had a failed coup d'etat to take the governors mansion away from him and tried to impeach him for blasphemy. Separation of church and state is certainly not an idea born in the South. Too bad this movie sacrifices both the original book and Long’s southern charm and bravado for a sense of urgency that never manifests itself into anything more than feeling like you have to pee really badly, but you know you can wait until a good break in the conversation to do it. It’s on your mind but it just doesn’t really make a bit of difference in the end.
As usual Sean Penn’s acting manages to be as subtle as bleeding hemorrhoid after a night of suicide wings and tequila at Quaker Steak and Lube while the rest of the cast seems as excited as a group of people that just finished watching an off Broadway version of Les Mis. Unless the academy is gonna start handing out awards for overacting and yelling, Penn has about as much chance of winning now as he did when he played Jeff Spicolli. And even if they did he’d still have to wait his turn behind Al “You could get killed walking your doggie!” Pacino.
When exactly did being a Brit become the main qualification for being from the South? Anthony Hopkins hasn’t pulled off a convincing American accent since he queried Agent Starling about Miggs’ keen sense of vaginal hygiene. And Jude Law’s closest attempt at ever acting was playing a fucking male real doll in A.I. It’s starting to feel like Louisiana is supposed to be the bridge of an imperial star destroyer with all the British actors that pop up in this most American of tales. Maybe if Kate Winslet let Mark Ruffalo do a charcoal drawing of her tit I’d be a little more compelled to keep watching, but no such luck. If you are looking for political drama this weekend you’ll probably get more kicks from the U.N transcript of the Venezuelan President getting all Kanye and calling Bush the Devil to the point where he said he could smell sulfur hanging in the air around his chair. Now that’s award winning drama.
Would you love to see what modern special effects could do with a World War I dogfight; to experience our most primitive form of air to air combat in full Red Baron, barn storming color? Me too. Too bad this movie ends up feeling more like outtakes from Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow than Hell’s Angels. When I was a kid I used to spend all Saturday afternoon watching reruns of those WWI movies. Sure they had cheesy rear projection shots in most of the flight scenes, but then they would cut it together with real planes doing airshow style exhibitions. When you heard the engine choke out and the plane start to descend it would actually make your stomach drop a little like the first time you rode a wooden roller coaster. And some of those movies are 70 years old.
Now instead of rear projection you get James Franco sitting in front of a green screen all day. Apparently the Blue Angels or some WWI stunt flyers don’t fall into a 60 million dollar budget, though somehow the Knox County Fair can afford them. The effects are stunning, but in the end feel more like watching one of those Discovery Channel specials on an amusement park than actually visiting one. In fact I would venture to say that if this movie, cast and all, had been turned into the next flight simulator game instead of a feature film, it probably would make quadruple what this film will gross. Special effects helped movies like Saving Private Ryan take you right to the front lines of a real battle, but I’ve seen Snoopy cartoons with dog fights that look better than this movie. The time warp is also a total farce. In the end this movie feels less like it is set in the past than an episode of "Quantum Leap". Maybe the wardrobe department shouldn’t have used this fall’s Banana Republic line as costumes. This movie makes what we all know was a down and dirty war with heroic men flying around in machines that were more primitive than a pull start lawnmower feel as smooth and out of place as a tranny at a USO show. James Franco may have started his career as James Dean, but his days of living in the past are over. It’s Green Goblin Jr. or bust for this Flyboy.
So am I really supposed to believe this is it? Jet Li is retired from Kung Fu? Is that like when Jay-Z said he was done making records. Maybe JayHova was done making new records, but remixes, mashups and greatest hits albums of the Jiggaman have flooded the market leading right up to the release of a brand new un-retirement record this fall. I just don’t know if I can buy it from Jet Li either. In fact he is already in negotiations to do a movie with Jackie Chan. Am I to believe that movie will have no Kung Fu in it? I know I’d pay pay ten bucks to see those two go back and forth with witty banter. Hepburn and Tracy beware. Sure, maybe he’ll never do another Hong Kong martial arts movie, maybe he won’t play Wong Fe Hong for the seventh million time, maybe he’ll never fight off 74 guys with a rubber spear, but even at 43 years old I can guarantee you Jet Li will at some point karate chop his way to another paycheck so that I can call him Jet Lie for the rest of his life.
Big surprise that this movie is about an early 20th century guy who is down on his luck that some how finds it in himself to become a heroic fighter with a new style of martial arts. He starts off stealing his father’s ancient Chinese secrets like he’s trying to open his own laundry mat and soon becomes one of the most feared fighters in the region. And like any real person would, he begins mercilessly fucking with people because his kung fu is the dope shit. Then some people he loves die, he refines his art to be more peaceful after he meets a blind girl and then yada yada yada he wins some kumite like tourney against poorly dubbed fighters from around the world. There is nothing here you haven’t seen before in Hero, Crouching Tiger, or even The Matrix. But at least the filmmakers know what we’re coming to watch now. Yuen Wu Ping’s name has been mentioned more prominently in the promotion than the actual director, because even on a bad day his choreography is more dazzling than the spinners on Yung Joc’s bimmer. Jet Li’s name is even in the damn title. Which is good because nothing in this film is relevant except watching Jet Li whup more ass than a fat chick on a paternity test edition of Springer. Who’s the baddest? Sho’ Nuff, but Jet Li is a close damn second.
1. What’s the best fighting movie of all time? If you say Ready To Rumble you deserve to have David Arquette tea bag you while wearing his world title belt.
2. Caption This
3. Old school gamers unite. I can’t be the only mother fucker in the world that still remembers playing Night Driver with the paddle, or the excitement of lighting up my friends in Super Dodgeball with only a plus sign D-pad and two buttons. So what are your favorite old school games dating back to Colecovision, Atari, and Sega Masters system up to the original PlayStation?
I've never really been pro-cheat codes myself, but the thing is, you know it's there. It's like the attraction of repulsion; you just HAVE to look.
1) Ready to Rumble sucks balls. Any which way but lose is my all time favourite fight movie. I'm just waiting for some A-hole to say Fight Club. That's the gayest piece of crap ever made.
2) Billy-bob's best man couldn't keep the last shooter down.
3) Elevator Action, and of course the original all time numero uno, Pac Man.
Drawz
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Posted: 9/22/2006 8:15:05 AM
1) Not a fighting movie, but I'll take that 20-minute fight with Rowdy Roddy Piper in They Live over anything.
2) The Manudo Reunion / Weddint goes horribly wrong.
3) You can download Nintendo emulators on the computer. I've been playing some of the good old classics: Tecmo Bowl, Contra, Zelda, Pro Wrestling, and the greatest of all time: Baseball Stars.
Pablo
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Posted: 9/22/2006 8:25:14 AM
1). Does Over The Top count as a fighting movie? And honestly any movie where Jared Leto gets beaten to a pulp can't be all gay. But if I can't take the arm wrestling flick then my vote is definitely Ninja III: The Domination.
2). "Oh, don't worry about him. Everyone else had the chicken."
3). Elevator Action was my shit on the old NES.
S.C. Bureaucrat
3 Questions
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Posted: 9/22/2006 9:08:35 AM
1) Return of the Dragon--Bruce Lee vs. Chuck Norris...I'm surprised the Universe didn't implode.
2) Just another redneck wedding in South Carolina.
3) Gotta go with the old school Duck Hunt. I was never able to put a bullet through the eyes of that damn dog when I missed a bird.
Dorf
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Posted: 9/22/2006 10:02:55 AM
1) Bloodsport
2) The bride's haircut made everyone else sick, too, but Jimmy just couldn't contain himself.
3) Tecmo Super Bowl for me. The one with eight plays.
I feel like I need to get this out: Back in my college days, I beat Contra without dying. Pretty easily, in fact. One other dude in my house and I beat it one two-player mode without either of us dying a few times too. It's about a 20 minute game. Mega Man II took about 45 minutes without dying.
The Bow
3 Qs
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Posted: 9/22/2006 10:44:24 AM
1. Karate Kid. "You're the best....aroooounnnd...nothin's gonna ever keep you down"
2. Goll Dammit Ricky Joe! I told you not to eat them rocky mountain oysters this mornin!
3. I'd have to say Tecmo Super Bowl also. One of my d-bag friends insists TO THIS DAY that he actually intercepted one of those pass deflections, even though i'm pretty sure it's not even programmed into the game. Baseball Stars: I created the entire 1989 Oakland Athletics and dominated!!!! Even Walt Weiss batted .667
Dorf
No way
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Posted: 9/22/2006 11:44:30 AM
Tipped-pass interceptions just didn't happen. Period.
Yakov
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Posted: 9/22/2006 11:45:14 AM
1. Drunken Master
2. One too many beer bongs for Junior.
3. Frogger, Kaboom, Double Dribble, Excitebike and Golden Axe.
In Soviet Russia, Nintendo plays you! What a country!
Christine
Nicely Done
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Posted: 9/22/2006 11:45:50 AM
Napalm. Your shit gets better and more profound every week. Kudos!
1. Kill Bill (vol 1&2)- no matter how you slice it, this is the greatest movie in its genre. there is nothing better. if anyone wants to disagree, my address is 2435 so. Fairhill street in Philly, PA 19148. Come prepared, I ain't no joke.
2. "Eugene, she's our sister, did you really think she was gonna marry you?
3. I loved Pole Position and battletank
dc
Napalm
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Posted: 9/22/2006 11:50:13 AM
Thought you might be interested I was at a wedding last week and sitting at my table during the reception was none other than Bobby "the Brain" Heenan. You wouldn't recognize him these days. He's probably 50 lbs lighter as he had a battle with throat cancer. Nice gentleman.
1. Does Highlander count as a fight movie. "It's better to burn out than fade away."
2. Chick on the left is wearing Zubaz.
3. Intellivsion baseball. We kept our own stats for the unnamed players. Home runs wear when the white dot shot off the screen.
Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
– Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! 
– Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby
– Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass
– Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch
– One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
– An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Did you ever think you’d see a grown man punch a bear trap or drink horse semen? Me neither, and that’s why 10,000 asinine stunts later Jackass is still funny. It’s not the kind of humor that is clever or witty, it’s the kind of kicked in the nuts, dropped the baby and scared the cat up the side of the wall humor that has kept "America’s Funniest Home Videos" on the air for 17 years. The difference here being that these ridiculous gags are actually well thought out and planned, and thusly have a sense of comedic slapstick timing that is seldom used in this day and age. I would have never imagined when I was a kid watching the Three Stooges or Peter Sellers as Inspector Clouseau that it’s modern day evolution would be watching Johnny Knoxville get bitten by an anaconda or gored by bull, but it is just that. 
The south moves in a perpetual state of Keanu Reeves “whoa”-ing his way through bullet time. Like trying to run your finger through cold molasses. That’s part of the southern charm. Ain’t nothing so important that you ain’t got time for a sit down on the porch or a glass of sweet tea. Louisiana (or luzee yonna as real southern folk say) and the South in general have long been immune to the hustle and bustle of the outside world. That’s why when some southern politician comes along with a boisterous charm and wit they stand out head and shoulders above the fray. For better or worse everyone remembers Bill Clinton, Strom Thurmond and David Duke, colorful characters that let the power go to their heads a little. When the original novel was written in 1946 it’s main character, Willie Stark, was patterned after real life governor Huey Long who was a self proclaimed Kingfish and once threatened to dynamite his opposition. Who wouldn’t remember that guy? People loved him for his “Every Man A King” speeches and rivals hated him so much they literally had a failed coup d'etat to take the governors mansion away from him and tried to impeach him for blasphemy. Separation of church and state is certainly not an idea born in the South. Too bad this movie sacrifices both the original book and Long’s southern charm and bravado for a sense of urgency that never manifests itself into anything more than feeling like you have to pee really badly, but you know you can wait until a good break in the conversation to do it. It’s on your mind but it just doesn’t really make a bit of difference in the end. 
Would you love to see what modern special effects could do with a World War I dogfight; to experience our most primitive form of air to air combat in full Red Baron, barn storming color? Me too. Too bad this movie ends up feeling more like outtakes from Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow than Hell’s Angels. When I was a kid I used to spend all Saturday afternoon watching reruns of those WWI movies. Sure they had cheesy rear projection shots in most of the flight scenes, but then they would cut it together with real planes doing airshow style exhibitions. When you heard the engine choke out and the plane start to descend it would actually make your stomach drop a little like the first time you rode a wooden roller coaster. And some of those movies are 70 years old. 
So am I really supposed to believe this is it? Jet Li is retired from Kung Fu? Is that like when Jay-Z said he was done making records. Maybe JayHova was done making new records, but remixes, mashups and greatest hits albums of the Jiggaman have flooded the market leading right up to the release of a brand new un-retirement record this fall. I just don’t know if I can buy it from Jet Li either. In fact he is already in negotiations to do a movie with Jackie Chan. Am I to believe that movie will have no Kung Fu in it? I know I’d pay pay ten bucks to see those two go back and forth with witty banter. Hepburn and Tracy beware. Sure, maybe he’ll never do another Hong Kong martial arts movie, maybe he won’t play Wong Fe Hong for the seventh million time, maybe he’ll never fight off 74 guys with a rubber spear, but even at 43 years old I can guarantee you Jet Li will at some point karate chop his way to another paycheck so that I can call him Jet Lie for the rest of his life. 
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