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Wir wollen Sie essen
I don't know about the rest of you out there, but lately, I've been fed up to the ears with the quality, lack-of-inventiveness, and absence of nudity befitting of a first-rate reality show. Since I've been preparing to become king of the universe (I had a dream once where I was wearing this huge crown and ordering people around--although granted--I was at a Burger King and Leonard Nimoy was also there, giving a lecture on the use of mustard in combatting gang violence), I thought I'd outline a few shows that I think ought to replace the current garbage infiltrating our televisions.
Bayern Chef
After an intense screening process of over half a dozen hopefuls, my old boss, Mr. Landry, is chosen to travel to Bavaria to woo the likes of Heidi Klum. If their date goes well, they will be married in Munich. My boss arrives in Ansbach where he is met by the sultry supermodel who promptly handcuffs him and places him in the custody of Klaus Wagman and Uder Klumpp, two of Germany's most notorious cannibals. The two cannibals return to the farm or, "Der Scheune" for the cook-off. As tension escalates, the narrative finds me (under my own royal command) in the Black Forest with Heidi Klum, having sex. The action returns to Munich, and a fever-pitched culinary contest. Uder edges out Klaus in a ferocious battle that sees Uder's grilled Mr. Landry with green garlic butter, kabocha squash cake and mache salad edge out Klaus's daring, but careless, Mr. Landry a la nage with celery and lemon confit.
I'm From Juggs
An ambitious and annoyingly attractive twenty-something circa 1999 has been brought to the present in the imperial time machine to conduct interviews with buxom models in the hope of landing a reporter position at Juggs magazine. The contestant struggles to make deadlines to no avail, for every time he tries to make a journalistic inroad and interview the subject, she and I are engaged in deviant sex acts. How does it feel, now Nathan? You like watching me get all the girls now? I'll bet it feels pretty fucking lousy having to watch that. No, I don't think you'll make the cut. You're just not Juggs material. Maybe we can fit you in at Douchebags: The Magazine of Tyler's Ex-Roomates. Also, one time when I was drunk, I peed on your football pads.
6 Weeks
Hard-nosed reporting, Nathan!
Ten contestants chosen from my wife's family reunion are notified that they have been accepted to compete in a reality show in which the winner will be crowned the new king. First, however, they must take a physical for insurance reasons. Upon completing the physical, they are each told that they have a mere six weeks to live. Hilarity ensues when my in-laws sink into depression, travel to Port-au-Prince for voodoo "miracle cures" and write maudlin odes to "life." Ideally, the contestants' morale collapses and they each take a nose dive off a municipal building. As a precaution, we also put poisonous hydras in the fountain in front of the building (not unlike a moat). If the contestant's morale doesn't collapse by the end of the episode, don't worry--there are tons more poisonous hydras placed strategically throughout their homes.
Pet Swap
This nail-biter takes the viewer into the intimate heart of the American pet-owner, revealing the extraordinarily different ways in which my ex-girlfriends deal with owning a wild dragon. That's right, Mellissa. I'll take Ginger (who I picked out at the SPCA by myself, cared for, and took to the vet even though you said "sometimes dogs just turn green and go quiet for a week") and you take this wild, angry dragon who I've trained to blow fire on anybody in my kingdom who I don't like, and especially people who I find out have given blow-jobs to most of my friends when I wasn't looking. Oh no, Maggie. You, too. Hand over Bubbles and take this other fierce dragon who hates you. It's not my problem where to put a wild dragon. You'll probably be on fire in half an hour, anyway. What? I'll put Bubbles in the moat. Where the hell else am I supposed to put a god-damned Tetra fish? I don't know if it's salt water! It's just not a thing a king needs to know, ok? You know what? Shut up and take this fucking dragon.
It's sort of embarrasing to me that you exist
My Flavorite Year
You know what I've always wanted to see? Enough of this affected "Average Joe" shit. Show some backbone! I want former Public Enemy hype-man and borderline retard Flavor Flav in a phat crib with 20 hideous hos vying for his love. Now that's the kind of show that...huh? Really? With Flavor Flav? Flavor of Love, you say? No kidding? Well damn.
then I got to pic#2 and stopped for a good 10 minutes. I'm perplexed, still not sure, yay/nay ? these have become the tough questions that fill my life? what has become of me?
anyhow, I enjoyed your plots. I'm sure the folks at FOX can/will fit them in somewhere.
Posts: 80 Rank: 36 Joined:
4/25/2007
Location:
OFallon, MO
Posted: 7/18/2007 9:31:57 AM
Now that is one wild cat! I remembers when me, him and Jaime Kenndy used to hang out in Coconut Grove. Man! We had some times. I used to always sit on da very same Tu-can Sam rocker and Flava would be chillin up on top of da monkey bar globe and Jaime would be crawled up in the big-slide fortress slangin rocks. We had some times. Until da police showed up. Then all our customers would be scurryin off this away and that. My fingers smell nasty. I'm still seachin for my missin piece of colon. It's probably hangin out with this article, cuz dey is both pretty shitty. You should find Jaime Kenndy, buys you some rocks, and THEN right you a article about bein a king. Thats how I became king. The Sullivan of Swat baby. Man when me and Doc was comin up, we coulda been something special like historiccal!
Posts: 1375 Rank: 10 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
savannah, GA
Posted: 7/18/2007 9:50:09 AM
until you mentioned hydras and tetra fish, i hated this article, but you really turned it around with the "moat" too. i'm not sure why, but that sci-fi and mideval shit really gets me. awesome job sport. you're never going to fuck heidi klum.
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