Every other Friday, resident Marine & entertainment reviewer, Joaquim Harold “Napalm” Jones, Gy. Sgt. USMC (Ret.) , takes a look at the shit flung on screens and out of stereos.
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OJ, you dumbfuck, you are now officially the least exciting person to make fun of on the face of god's green urinal. It's not so much the part of the story where you threatened and robbed that guy with your thugs. It's the fact that you stole a bunch of memorabilia that you signed. You stupid ego maniac. Even if the stuff was stolen from you, can't you just sign another jersey and sell that mother fucker on Ebay? Or are you planning to hang that shit on the mantle next to you bronzed baby shoes and the full length mirror? Wouldn't you rather be out killing white people? But personally I'm beginning to think there's no way you actually got away with murder. That crime was actually clever. Walking through the front door with a couple armed thugs and being the one to do all the talking in a city like Vegas that has cameras everywhere is about as smart as telling Randy Couture that you want to fist fuck both his daughters.
Just as soon as I had accepted how ridiculous OJ is, I see the footage of the over zealous questioner at a John Kerry rally. I'm honestly surprised that even more cops didn't rain down on this kid. I mean, anybody who has any question for John Kerry at this point is a complete psychopath worthy of a bone white business card with silian rail lettering. Maybe if you asked him how to make ketchup it might be relevant but asking him why he conceded the election so quickly should lead directly to an ass beating of epic proportion. But the cops waited until the kid got all the way to asking if Kerry was skull and bones in college. That's about as smart as when JFK asked Aristotle Onassis if he was illuminati. The best thing that can happen after that is hoping the guy will be nice enough to keep your wife warm after he has you clipped. This kid is lucky his question only yielded a beatdown, some public humiliation in front of a bunch of hot college girls and little mid afternoon tasering. Personally I just love that Kerry waited until the kid's skin was frying like a batch of scattered smothered and cover at a waffle house to start trying to answer his question? If you haven't seen it here is the video. The first one has all the audio of what the kid said. The second has the actual taser attack. But hey at least a crazy white kid messing with a US Senator still doesn't have it as bad as a black kid in Jena, Lousianna.
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill!
Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby.
Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass.
Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch.
One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Jessica Alba in her underwear. Nuff Said. I never wanted to be a penguin so bad in my life. Dane Cook however can eat a dick. Not because he's a hackish comic just waiting for a chance to say Gargamel, or PacMan or knee socks, just to get a laugh from the fact that you were also alive in the 80's. No, I hate him because he's gotten to work with every hot chick named Jessica on the planet. But this slapstick cluster fuck is the worst excuse to get a Jessica in her drawers since Adam Sandler's last gay ass movie. But I'm a sucker, so I'll take it. Beggers can't be choosers.
Nigga please! Or maybe I should say cro-migga please, because for a show that is primarily based on racial humor, there is only like one brotha in the whole pilot. And he's the fucking hired help. But that doesn't make the show bad by any stretch of the imagination. What makes the show bad is that it basically rehashes the same fear of a black dick jokes that haven't been funny since Garrett Morris did them on SNL 30 years ago only with cavemen instead of black people. So if we can't get any brothers on the wall or in the show as the case may be, here's my idea for an episode. 6 caveman want to sit under a tree with the homo sapiens, but the tree is designated as a homo only tree with nooses hanging from it. So the cavemen whoop some ass to get a seat. Then they are convicted of attempted murder by an all homo sapien jury. The incident sets off a wave of Cro-Magnons beating in people's skulls with poorly fashioned clubs at protest rallies. But in the end it all works out fine because all the cro-mags have killer insurance.
Remember the good parts of Robocop? Yeah well take both of those out and replace them with all the shitty parts of Alias and you you've got the updated version of the sister show to the Six Million Dollar Man. I'm mean that is what you always wanted right? A remake of a spinoff of a boring show. Well, when Starbuck got a cap put in her ass in the opening segment I thought the show might actually be going somewhere, but not unlike the BSG universe she was alive and well 3 scenes later and driving a truck into our hermaphroditic hero. I only say that because the presence of a penis is about the only thing that could possibly justify the bionic woman's bone structure, deep voice or mustache. I'd let it slide if she could act or maybe get through a fight scene, but Limey actress Michelle Ryan has as much business being in a sexy action show as Dennis Kucinich has being in Aussie Thunder. Regardless, our hero gets fixed up against her will with some technobabble bits that would make Geordi LaForge's dilithium crystals blush. And then the story almost entirely disappears. If it weren't for a rainy rooftop fight scene with Katee "Apollo's sperm receptacle" Sackhoff and the bionic woman having a smoking hot little sister the show would have been over as soon as her boyfriend walked away from a six rollover crash and rebuilt his man-ish girltoy with his secret military midi-chlorians or whatever the fuck they were. I won't completely write this one off, because the dark tone and ambiguous direction of the plot could lead somewhere but I'd probably be smarter to just stick with Jack Bauer and the cheerleader with the self healing hymen for my action show needs. I wouldn't want to get all attached to another show like Blade just to see it turned into a straight to DVD movie a year later. I've had enough short lived "Twin Peaks", "Surface", "Max Headroom", "Automan", and "Invasion"s to last me a lifetime.
No jokes. It's just a good album. Last week I said that I had pretty much given up on music altogether, but a reader sent me an email begging me to listen to Aesop Rock latest so I did. To my surprise it's just fucking awesome. Normally I hate when people talk fast and try to sound important, especially if that person comes from the pretentious world of underground backpack rappers. I've heard Slug. I'm not impressed by Sage Francis. And Anti-pop Consortium will be great when they finally finish a beat one day. Even Aesop's partner in crime El-P bores me like that dude Mase that used to rap with Diddy. But something about this record works. First of all it's actually musical. The beats take me back to the days when I first heard 3 Feet High and Rising and Paul's Boutique and sampling was actually cool. Blockhead probably deserves most of the credit for producing the standout tracks Fumes, Bring Back Pluto and the title track, but even Aes manages to compel me to attempt to understand what he's jibber jabbing on about with the beat he drops for Catacomb Kids and Keep Off The Lawn. The beats are sometimes secondary to the cavalcade of conundrums spewing from Aesop's lips but put together this album has a life that Aesop only briefly hinted at with Nickel Plated Pockets. This is album is one of those rare OK Computer moments when you can actually hear an artist that has just truly come into their own with a timeless piece of work. Sadly, it's probably all down hill for Aesop from here, but if he dies in a fiery car crash tomorrow at least he will have left his best work behind.
1. Would you rather live in Jena Lousianna, get tasered or be OJ Simpson for a day and why?
2. Caption This
3. I know you all secretly watched the Gossip Girls premiere this week, but other than that what other shows are you looking forward to seeing this fall? If you say Beauty and the Geek then you have better taste than I thought.
Posts: 341 Rank: 20 Joined:
8/5/2007
Location:
La Crosse, WI
Posted: 9/21/2007 8:22:38 AM
I got to work this morning and needed to shit so I'm glad I had something to read while I did.
I think it would have been nice to be ok, sometime around 1977, playing the game, and White Women.
"Machine Gun Molly" again states her case for gun control.
Truth is I have not watched tv much, just this month we got cable (basic). My 1 year old is teething and gets up during the night. The Beauty and the Geek are on almost constantly and is the only show you can watch with the sound off and find it entertaining. I don't know what is going on but there are some fine young ladies there. And if the Captioning is working, they are dumb enough to do a geek or two. "where was the Gettysburg address?"
Posts: 1049 Rank: 9 Joined:
3/13/2007
Location:
Denver, CO
Posted: 9/21/2007 9:32:01 AM
1) Definately the taser kid, he is going to make bank after he sues the school for police brutality.
2) "Maybe THIS will make them rethink taking viagra of medicare"
3) Never heard of gossip girls but I am excited for the new season of South Park and Heroes. Like you I was burned by getting hooked on Blade so I refuse to start watching anything new. I would also say I'm excited for Lost but that shit doesnt start again until FEB. FEBRUARY!!!
Posts: 1023 Rank: 11 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
two up two down, VA
Posted: 9/21/2007 9:57:16 AM
despite napalm's promise that any dissension among the ranks would result in him removing my penis with the wrong end of his ka-bar, "just because he could" i gotta disagree on the "jena 6" thing. i wont pretend to know what those kids are going through because: a) i don't live there b) i'm not black but the whole public outcry against racism is downright comedic at this point. whether it's the whites shouting "reverse! reverse!" like it's a 1-AA football blowout, or minorities delusionally screaming that if racism disappeared, then so would crime, one can only gather that america has become the land of the functionally retarded. these million man marches & bustrips to jena are completely self-serving for every 5 parts ridiculous. why? a) no such marches/trips to durham, nc last year b) my father taught me during many fishing trips that the "the shallowest water makes the most noise and as i got older that i would understand that this fact not only was the case for streams, rivers, bays, oceans, etc.. but in real life as well." the same people crying foul in this case are only doing so for their own 15 minutes. whether it's 15 minutes of fame, face time on tv, or 15 minutes of a guilt-free conscience knowing they actually made a difference (they didn't - what a joke), and are the ones who actively search for things to be offended by. such a waste of time in my opinion. so there. i'm done. my soapbox just collapsed under the weight of my big mouth.
Q&A 1. gotta go with the juice. how fun would it be for a day to be that cluelessly stupid to just wander through life thinking you can do whatever you want with no consequences. 2. because the shoulder pads weren't ridiculous enough... 3. heroes - cheerleader. the office.
Captain Caveman again Napalm. I still want a review of the Donkey Kong documentary or Eastern Promises though, have you seen either of them?
1. I'd want to live in Jena the most. With all those protests going on, prime time to rob the local convenience stores and Taco Bells that are closed due to lack of clerks.
2. "I have got to quit doing blow and going to the porn store late night. Some weird shit going on there."
3. Interested to see what Adult Swim throws out there. Besides that just more Conan O'Brien, by far the funniest guy out there.
"I'm so hot for you, I'm so hot for you! I'm so hot for you! And you're so cold!"
Posts: 2748 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 9/21/2007 10:21:43 AM
That sure is a lot to swallow Napalm. Luckily, that's my specialty so I'll get right on it.
Jessica Alba makes me want to be gay. Even I want to be that penguin. She is positively perfect. I used to watch Dark Angel and stick my lips inside a cup and try to suction them so that they would look like hers. I was 19 too, not like 12 or anything. 19, sucking my face inside a cup to plump my lips. all it gave me was a chin hickey. the point is, she's very very hot. Dane cook looks like every single guy in my neighborhood.
The caveman are making a huge mistake.
I will check out this band, but only because you are so enthralled with them.
1. Get tasered. I like to think I have a very high tolerance for pain and I don't know anything about the other two options since I only get my news from TPP and its usually a tad biased.
2. "Break ya'self fool"
3. I can't wait for Heroes and South Park either. I also will not watch any new shoes.
Posts: 1517 Rank: 4 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 9/21/2007 10:25:36 AM
I didn't get a chance to check in yesterday and I felt a deep void in my soul.
1) Live in Jena, LA. mostly because I'd like to experience some small town fun for a little while. NYC can wear on you down at times. And everyone here is too supposedly avant-garde or spineless to voice an opinion as loudly as both parties involved here;
white guys: we don't like black people and to express we're making an homage to lynching in a public park
black guys: we don't like lynching and for reminding us of it we're going to kick the shit out of a white guy.
Awesome. Not enough of that going on anymore. But, these people protesting are bullshit. Not to sound racist, but I'm not sure the white kids did anything worng legally. Suse, it's in unbelievably poor taste, but I think (AB or Tom A feel free to interject) it falls under freedom of speech. And if you beat teh sht out of someone you're probably going to get charged with battery. Them's the rules.
2) Barbara Boxer takes her penis envy to the Senate floor.
3) I'll admit I watched about half of the "Gossip Girl" premeire due to roommates and it was pretty atrocious. It's form the creator of "The O.C." and Balls will admit that he loved that show sometimes. But, this is just that show in New York City. I don't need to go down that road again.
I'm most looking forward to football this fall. Yay football!!!
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Jessica Alba in her underwear. Nuff Said. I never wanted to be a penguin so bad in my life. Dane Cook however can eat a dick. Not because he's a hackish comic just waiting for a chance to say Gargamel, or PacMan or knee socks, just to get a laugh from the fact that you were also alive in the 80's. No, I hate him because he's gotten to work with every hot chick named Jessica on the planet. But this slapstick cluster fuck is the worst excuse to get a Jessica in her drawers since Adam Sandler's last gay ass movie. But I'm a sucker, so I'll take it. Beggers can't be choosers.
Nigga please! Or maybe I should say cro-migga please, because for a show that is primarily based on racial humor, there is only like one brotha in the whole pilot. And he's the fucking hired help. But that doesn't make the show bad by any stretch of the imagination. What makes the show bad is that it basically rehashes the same fear of a black dick jokes that haven't been funny since Garrett Morris did them on SNL 30 years ago only with cavemen instead of black people. So if we can't get any brothers on the wall or in the show as the case may be, here's my idea for an episode. 6 caveman want to sit under a tree with the homo sapiens, but the tree is designated as a homo only tree with nooses hanging from it. So the cavemen whoop some ass to get a seat. Then they are convicted of attempted murder by an all homo sapien jury. The incident sets off a wave of Cro-Magnons beating in people's skulls with poorly fashioned clubs at protest rallies. But in the end it all works out fine because all the cro-mags have killer insurance.
Remember the good parts of Robocop? Yeah well take both of those out and replace them with all the shitty parts of Alias and you you've got the updated version of the sister show to the Six Million Dollar Man. I'm mean that is what you always wanted right? A remake of a spinoff of a boring show. Well, when Starbuck got a cap put in her ass in the opening segment I thought the show might actually be going somewhere, but not unlike the BSG universe she was alive and well 3 scenes later and driving a truck into our hermaphroditic hero. I only say that because the presence of a penis is about the only thing that could possibly justify the bionic woman's bone structure, deep voice or mustache. I'd let it slide if she could act or maybe get through a fight scene, but Limey actress Michelle Ryan has as much business being in a sexy action show as Dennis Kucinich has being in Aussie Thunder. Regardless, our hero gets fixed up against her will with some technobabble bits that would make Geordi LaForge's dilithium crystals blush. And then the story almost entirely disappears. If it weren't for a rainy rooftop fight scene with Katee "Apollo's sperm receptacle" Sackhoff and the bionic woman having a smoking hot little sister the show would have been over as soon as her boyfriend walked away from a six rollover crash and rebuilt his man-ish girltoy with his secret military midi-chlorians or whatever the fuck they were. I won't completely write this one off, because the dark tone and ambiguous direction of the plot could lead somewhere but I'd probably be smarter to just stick with Jack Bauer and the cheerleader with the self healing hymen for my action show needs. I wouldn't want to get all attached to another show like Blade just to see it turned into a straight to DVD movie a year later. I've had enough short lived "Twin Peaks", "Surface", "Max Headroom", "Automan", and "Invasion"s to last me a lifetime.
No jokes. It's just a good album. Last week I said that I had pretty much given up on music altogether, but a reader sent me an email begging me to listen to Aesop Rock latest so I did. To my surprise it's just fucking awesome. Normally I hate when people talk fast and try to sound important, especially if that person comes from the pretentious world of underground backpack rappers. I've heard Slug. I'm not impressed by Sage Francis. And Anti-pop Consortium will be great when they finally finish a beat one day. Even Aesop's partner in crime El-P bores me like that dude Mase that used to rap with Diddy. But something about this record works. First of all it's actually musical. The beats take me back to the days when I first heard 3 Feet High and Rising and Paul's Boutique and sampling was actually cool. Blockhead probably deserves most of the credit for producing the standout tracks Fumes, Bring Back Pluto and the title track, but even Aes manages to compel me to attempt to understand what he's jibber jabbing on about with the beat he drops for Catacomb Kids and Keep Off The Lawn. The beats are sometimes secondary to the cavalcade of conundrums spewing from Aesop's lips but put together this album has a life that Aesop only briefly hinted at with Nickel Plated Pockets. This is album is one of those rare OK Computer moments when you can actually hear an artist that has just truly come into their own with a timeless piece of work. Sadly, it's probably all down hill for Aesop from here, but if he dies in a fiery car crash tomorrow at least he will have left his best work behind. 
