The Best of The Phat Phree 2005

Well this is it. The best of the best. The cream of the crop. The top 25.

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The Bill Swayze character is one who should go down in history as a classic in American literature. I'll let his words explain why.

"I have long since given up on trying to get Bill Jr. to play football. I sometimes believe that he has made it his mission in life to disappoint me in every manner that he possibly can. Bill Jr. plays soccer. I have told him on several occasions that my primary regret in life was granting him the use of my now-tarnished name.

This article inspired at least two others: M. Thomas L's "I Might Have Sex With Bill Walton", and Dave Amiott's "I Might Have Sex With Chita Rivera".

I don t know about you, but just the chance that I would think of her sister while I was trying to have sex with Jessica Simpson was almost a deal breaker.

Every once in a while something comes out of left field and surprises me when I am reading submissions. This was one of those pieces. A strange yet hilarious story of a small-time wrestler rendered a "monoplegic" in his prime by a steel chair to the midsection. This story follows his downward spiral from wrestling his dog to injecting shoe polish between his toes- utterly fascinating.

Alex Blagg rolls in again with his insightful breakdown of the average chain restaurant.

The cast: The Head Waiter, The Bitchy Waitress, Brian the Manager, The Party Dudes, The Deluded Bartendress, The Cocktail Wannabe, The Hostessluts, and The Mexicans in the Back

This extension of the Striped Shirt piece follows Chad Zumock and M. Thomas L's undercover efforts to learn more about "the dominate male Yuppies" aka The Striped Shirt guys.

To paraphrase Axel Foley, I would be going deep, deep, deep undercover. My goal: to become the Dian Fossey of the urban jungle to become one of them, and then study their behavior from the inside.

This depressingly accurate timeline of a relationship caused quite an uproar both in the comments and at the Harvey home. Justin assured his wife that he was speaking hypothetically, but I am pretty sure that his writing of this marked the transition from Phase 8 to Phase 9 for him.

Here is another article that caught me completely off guard. In Vino Veritas? What the fuck is this Latin shit? Then I read it, and goddamn. When Steve got into the argument with the McDonald's Dream Team I cup, I had to take a breather. Funny shit Kiley. Nicely done.

I believe this was Alex's first article here, and he started off with a bang- or a screech. Whatever.

Those of you who own automobiles should ask yourself, "Am I PEELING OUT as much as I should be?" How else can you expect to fully convey your frustration and/or badassness with those around you, if you're unwilling to break while accelerating and PEEL THE FUCK OUT now and then. Are you afraid of confronting your feelings?

Boy did this one ruffle some feathers. Apparently, women in the 40+ age range take offense when you, in talking about their vagina, say:

You can probably put your hands and feet in "there" along with "it."

The first multimedia post on The Phat Phree, the NWA Quiz was first published in a downloadable form back in 1999. This updated version brought "the greatest rap quiz ever created" to a whole new level.

You a punk mutha fucka! Break yo'self!

I'm pretty sure this is the newest piece to make the list. Jesse's brutally honest recollection of his miserable sports career brought tears to my eyes- tears of laughter. He isn't a comedy writer, my ass.

...the first thing I really learned about sports was that I sucked big fat donkey dick at them.

If you were wondering when M. Thomas L would make his first appearance on the list, here he is. If you are wondering when he will make his next appearance on the site, so are we. MTL always brings the goods, and in this piece he took what, in the hands of a lesser talent, would have been just another list, and turned it into one of the top 20 pieces of the year. With lines like, "I have intercourse with Diana (Taurasi) doggy-style while I eat Linguini, in a creamy wine sauce and heavy extra virgin olive oil, off her back with a spork." it's no mystery how he does it.

I should probably buy a Kevlar vest and a security system since I didn't put this in the top ten, but nevertheless, Napalm's reviews are consistently my one of my favorite articles each week. Always funny, always dead-on, and always well received...

This is a link to the Soap Chips & Gasoline best of 2005.

You'd think there were a million states based on how long it has taken to fucking release all the "special" state quarters. I mean come on already. Who gives a shit. Just be done with it.

Alabama s Governor: OK, listen up people. We need a symbol for our state Quarter that captures the essence of our citizens, history, and culture. So put down your moonshine & grits and get to it!

In this in interview with then newly-elected Pope, I uncovered several previously unknown secrets about God, the Bible, and John Paul II.

This whole piece was born of one joke that I wanted to write: During his first homily as pontiff, Benedict XVI reassured the faithful in attendance that, we still hate faggots and condoms.

To borrow from Matthew L. McCoy, here is a 20-second time out:
What was the best link of the year? It's hard to choose. I loved the short film about the Negro Space Program, and I still send people to watch Kicked in the Nuts, but if I am to choose just one, it would have to select The Guy Who HATES Horses.

Thanks to Gabe Uhr, Scott Hofman, and Alex Blagg respectively.

Well now we are really getting down to it- The Top Ten.

A recent addition to the long list of classic first-person articles that have become a staple of The Phat Phree. This article cracked the All-Time Highest Rated and has stayed there since early December. Great work Justin. We are looking forward to more from you.

I am going to cheat a little bit here and choose all four articles in the Weekend Warrior series for the number nine spot on the list. I can't wait to see more.

Basketball, Football, Softball, Bowling

The first of the Top 50 lists to be published, this might still be my favorite. From Buying Girl Scout Cookies to Watching a commercial for the African Children s Fund- this list is awful and wonderful at the same time.

It's also one of my favorites in terms of commenter's response. Some great ones in there as well.

The highest rated article on the site and certainly one of the most visited- The NFL All Criminal team is definitely a signature piece from 2005. And Scott's colorful writing and in-depth research make this a "must read".

Once again, I will let the article speak for itself:

I wonder why she s doing this. I ll bet she had a bad childhood. She probably lacked a strong paternal figure in her life.

Damn it. Now I m half mast. Now I look like the guy that can t keep it up. Concentrate Mike. Stop psychoanalyzing and keep your mind on the sex.

Yeah, we know most of you are sitting at work, and what could possibly be more fun than fantasizing about twisted, ballsy, and hilarious ways to get fired? Well, okay, I can think of four things more fun...

This is the article that first gained us mainstream media coverage. It was covered on Jimmy Kimmel, ESPN Radio, The Best Damn Sports Show, and dozens of sports radio talk shows around the country.

Dan Patrick even asked Reggie Miller what he thought about being named to the team. Reggie scratched his long head, and said he couldn't understand it. Then he flapped his ears and flew away.

Okay, so I wrote it, but it's damn funny. And the ratings and traffic back me up on that. I've been accused in the comments of self-promotion because I included my photo, but I am married, so what good would that even do me?

Everybody always focuses on the few positives, but let me tell you, it ain t all church picnics and ice cream sandwiches. Most of the time it s just a nuisance.

I'm pretty sure we could have done the top 500 for this list. The submissions just never stopped coming. This was, by far, the hardest list to cut down to 50. We'll definately do a part two next year.

So here we are... I considered throwing you a curveball and naming something else number one- "Audience Confused by Preview Selection" perhaps, but that would just be wrong.

You know it. You love it, and you wish you had written it. Here it is: The top Phat Phree piece of 2005.

Read by over 1,000,000 people and counting- this article launched the Phat Phree on to the scene as a one-month old site. One day we were making just each other laugh, hoping to inspire each other and slowly grow the site. Then the next, we were getting 20k visitors a day.

Look at my button down striped shirt! Fucking look at it! This shirt means one thing! I m coming home with some pussy tonight! That s right! It s been a long week at the office and it s time to blow off a little steam! I am a Junior Vice President! I have business cards that say Junior Vice President on them! They re glossy and magnificent! Here! Have one! Take it!