Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
Pierce Brosnan is out as Double-Oh Seven? What the fuck! If Colin Farrell gets the gig I, will plug myself with a .22 in my only working testicle! I think I would rather see Will Ferrell than Colin or that hack Sean Bean whose name keeps coming up.
What happened to the days when James Bond was a hard-drinking gambler, hell-bent on protecting the citizens of the world, pulling the hottest muff, and wheeling the coolest rides? Pierce was a good James Bond, but the franchise just couldn’t give him anything to work with. I mean, seriously- Denise Richards as a nuclear scientist? I would have trouble believing she was a new Scientologist, let alone a PhD. When was the last time you saw a hot nuclear scientist with lopsided silicon boob bags? Gimme a fucking break. Putting her in the smart girl part is about as good an idea as letting NASA do the maintenance on your car.
When I first heard that Timothy “I Had a Small Part In Flash Gordon” Dalton had gotten Bond back in the late 80’s, I was pissed that Remington Steele hadn’t gotten the part then. I can only hope when they install a new master pillager of the bearded axe wound, that they will harken back to the days when Bond would shamelessly roll in and out of bed with Barbarella-caliber Playmates and waste the bad guys without stupid one-liners, instead of the cheesy formulaic crap they saddled Pierce with.
At least now maybe he can do another movie with Jamie Lee Curtis and find out once and for all if she really was born a hermaphrodite, or if she just has a really big clit.
– Sean Connery- Every one of his Bond movies is a classic! – George Lazenby – Only got one shot, but the Aussie Bond was as solid as he was in those 12 Emmanuelle movies. – Pierce Brosnan – No good Bond movies but fit the character perfectly – Roger Moore – Probably better as The Saint, but the Live and Let Die theme rocked! – Timothy Dalton – Who? – A little something extra for Peter Sellers as the not-exactly-a-real Bond in Casino Royale.
Hooray for the hard R-rating! I was stoked when Wedding Crashers came out with the soft R just for having, like two boob shots and four uses of the f-word, but in the very first scene of this movie you will know that Virgin never had any intention of being anything but a good old raunch fest, and you know that I love a dirty joke and some bare boobies more than anyone. But after seeing this film, I will go on record saying that no one should ever shave, wax, or trim any portion of their body or pubic hair. Since when did women stop liking real men, anyway? I’m guessing it was around the same time dudes starting getting a Queer Eye for The Straight Guy.
All a bunch of bullshit in my book. I shave my head because it is easier to deal with in the jungle, but I’m here to tell you that my ass-fro keeps the beetles and leeches from burying themselves in my fudge crack. I’m also here to tell you that geeks of all ages can definitely get laid these days if they want. I am confident of that, after having seen some of the fat and ugly chicks that have tried to contact me on Myspace, Hot or Not, and Adult Friend Finder. I’m pretty sure that you can get laid as long as you can type and post a fake picture that is good enough to get one of these hags to come over to your place at three in the morning. Once they get there they could pretty much care less what you look like as long as there is some dick in your trousers and some Miracle Whip in your fridge.
But let’s face it, unrealistic situations are what make comedies funny, and this one is desperately funny. Steve Carell has been cracking my shit up ever since he was responsible for the only funny scene in Bruce Almighty. I wasn’t really sold on the American version of "The Office", but it was just announced that he would be bringing the world’s best secret agent spoof "Get Smart" to the big screen, which might honestly be one of the only remakes slated for the next two years that I actually want to see.
Carell makes his 40-Year Old Virgin character more believable than most of his contemporaries would have been able to do, which actually gives the audience a chance to laugh at the truly funny things that take place in his world of unsatisfied morning wood and blown chances to ball, fuck and/or get paid. The character may be totally unrelatable, but the idea of a forty-year-old who hasn’t had any strange is certainly better than a fat forty-year-old gigolo solving a murder mystery with his cock in Europe.
I thought this was gonna be a sweet porno staring Peter North and Lilly Thai. You know ole Napalm couldn’t pass on a flick with Balzac in the title. Plus, I love when those tight girls from the Far East get it on with dudes that are hung like those Budweiser horses. So, I sat in the theater for 20 minutes before I realized that Zhon was never going to get naked, no matter how bad I wanted it, because this was a political movie about the Chinese Cultural Revolution.
They should really be forced to remove the “Banned in China” statement from this poster, because that just made me think that there was something good to see here. Like a donkey show, or a public beheading of a college student or something. In light of my error I was obviously a bit frustrated, so I though maybe I’ll give this dramatic movie a chance, but to be honest I continued to be frustrated by having to read a film. I even speak a little Mandarin, and it just became irritating after a half-hour.
Reminded me of the three months I spent in a POW camp just outside of Khe Sahn. It’s not that I’m some racist jarhead, it is just traumatic to be immersed in something you can’t understand; like being tied down and forced to watch The Day After Tomorrow on repeat. To top it off there were three sets of subtitles running at once on this flick, one of which was Cantonese. What the hell kind of sense does that make? The movie is from China, so why the hell do they need more Chinese subtitles? Can’t they just pick one fucking language already, preferably English like the rest of the world (okay, so maybe I am a racist jarhead after all).
Even if this chick had gotten naked, I probably wouldn’t have been able to see anything past the 30 feet of Sanskrit letters plastered on the screen. So I threw down my unsoiled handerkerchief and my unused baggy of Crisco and ducked into the end of that penguin movie instead. I figured if I can’t throw a load or see something blow up, I might as well learn a little something.
As I said last week, this movie has nothing to do with the classic Japanese bukkake film of the same name, which I might add was much more entertaining than this one. This movie is about as fun as passing a Dorito-shaped gallstone.
Everyone knows I would love to make sweet jungle love to Rachel “Be My Mean Girl” McAdams, but that doesn’t earn this by-the-numbers Wes Craven thriller a pass, just like Scarlett Johansson didn’t earn Michael “I Wish I Still Had A Job” Bay a pass for his dreadful bomb The Island. To his credit, Wes knows how to build the tension, and some of the twists are good, but the premise here is basically Phone Booth in a plane, which is about as exciting as a Chaucer book club.
You want a really scary premise for an airplane movie? How about being booked on a first class United flight from New York to LA, missing the flight, and instead getting bumped to a Ted flight that has a layover in Raleigh-Durham. In case you don't know what the fuck Ted is, it's the new United affiliate is so cheap that instead of coming up with a brand new name they just painted over the letters UNI on a bunch of 20 year old jets. I’ve had more comfortable flights riding in the jump seats on a Lockheed C-130J transport flying into the eye of a hurricane.
The most important question I have about this “do what I say or your husband gets it” thriller is, at what point exactly did it become acceptable for men to get Botox treatments? Cillian Murphy has long shed the almost manly look he had in 28 Days Later for a more “Turn Back Time” Cher look. As the scarecrow in Batman I could buy it, but here I just keep asking myself; are those really his cheeks, or did the dude get implants?
I guess I could say this is a decent date movie if you like the kind of girls that need to be drilled after they get a little scared in the movies, but don’t plan on flying to Hawaii with her anytime soon after seeing this mediocre Turbulence.
Chloe Sevigny literally chugs Vincent Gallo’s swimmers and man meat in an “omigod how did this bizarrely dark indie turn into a porno” scene. And i might be worth seeing for that alone.
I do have to ask why he couldn’t get Christina Ricci to go there in Buffalo 66. That would have kept me from having to own a copy of the dismal Prozac Nation. I don’t know if Gallo is as good in this as he was in Freeway II as the wicked tranny witch of Mexico that wants to eat the lesbo Hansel and Gretel, but he manages to at least capture my attention. Chloe Sevigny, however, is actually mediocre even compared to her normal lesbian-on-parade fare like If These Walls Could Stop Making Me Hot For The Little Girl From Species.
This movie is basically a womanizing road trip across America whose purpose is Gallo reuniting with his ex, Sevigny. I don’t know that I could say it is good, but it held my interest like watching cops use the Jaws of Life to pull a mangled body from a car wreck. If that is your idea of a good time, then this movie will be right up your alley. Not so much that it is disturbing, but it is definitely some shit you don’t see everyday.
Maybe I am too old to get it, but I can easily see how this show would be any 18-30 year old's guilty pleasure in a heartbeat. In fact I almost bet that the teenage kids think this show is just cheesy garbage that they live everyday, but there is a certain level of wish fulfillment for us old farts in watching a bunch of pretty, scantily clad teens run around with out any real concerns in their lives except who is dating who.
This show does a much better job of being the teen soap that Hollywood has been looking for than most of it’s overly expensive predecessors like "The OC", "Dawson’s Creek" and "Beverly Hills 90210". The bizarre reality feel may hurt the show initially, but it works once you realize you are following around a bunch of selfish, backstabbing rich kids whose only purpose in life is to perform for me just like the pretty dancing monkeys that they are. Anyone who could give a shit about a Shawn Michaels and Hulk Hogan feud or care about who will be the next person voted off the island would easily be better served by getting wrapped up in a Talan, Taylor and Kristin love triangle any day.
If you feel like a pansy after watching this reality soap just go out and kill something with the biggest gun you own, like I do. And by the way, my apologies go out to Mrs. Turnbright for the loss of her dear pet, Mittens, after yesterday’s episode.
It’s monkey crap. No, for real. An ape shit in my CD case while I was doing a recon mission that was farmed out to me from MI-6 for British Intelligence. I had the CD laying out side my cover bag while I was on the mission in northwest Africa, and a monkey ran up and shit on it. I hadn’t even had a chance to listen to it yet.
What was worse than that was when The Phat Phree staff sent me another one to listen to for the review and I realized the music was monkey crap too. This album is 311’s St. Anger. They pretty much do the mediocre stoner rock they have always done, except that they are trying to sound like one of these newer bands like the Killers or Jet. It very simply doesn’t work. It sounds like the Offspring crossed with Herb Alpert or something.
I dug these guys for about 43 seconds when Music came out, and since then they have done nothing except make my crotch itch worse than it did the last time I came back from Thailand.
They had a damned good James Bond in Pierce "My Best Movie is a Non-Speaking Role in The Long Good Friday" and refused to give him a script worth a squirt of tree sloth piss, so this question doesn't mean a fuck or a good goddamn anyway, but what the fuck: who should slip into the Bond tuxedo for the next turd that squeezes out the 007 poop shoot? If any of you say Colin Farrell, I'll find you by your IP address and pistol-whip you with the TT33 I pried from the cold, dead hand of an NVA regular along the Cambodian border in the spring of '70.
How 'bout Collin Ferrell? He would be super dope as Bond!
pescatore
I got it
()
Post #: 2
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 8/19/2005 3:43:43 AM
Johnny Depp should be the next James Bond. Time for an American to jump into those shoes and more importantly to jump into all those hot chicks.
Matt
Nice
()
Post #: 3
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 8/19/2005 4:53:34 AM
Funny as always. Does Jamie Lee seriously have double baggage? That's messed up cuz she is hot.
c
american?
()
Post #: 4
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 8/19/2005 5:08:57 AM
depp is too ambiguous
brad pitt would make money
ed norton would be subversive
vince vaughn would be a disaster
Bingo
bingo
()
Post #: 5
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 8/19/2005 6:35:31 AM
Great stuff! Lilly Thai in that Balsac movie would have been the tits. She is one of my favorites! I can't believe no one has mentioned the obvious choice of Christian Bale yet. He is the only suave Brit left that could do Bond any justice. Too bad he is already Batman. Maybe he could mix the roles together and become Bondman.
Gwen
Another Scotch I think...
()
Post #: 6
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 8/19/2005 9:33:59 AM
F Colin Farrell...I think with Christian Bale already doing Batman, the only other choice is Ewan McGregor. He's got the looks with the right kind of cocky smarminess to be Bond, plus as he proved in the Stars Wars debacle, he has the ability to have fun and be engaging, even with a script and co-stars less appealing than a stack of ass crack pancakes.
YoMama
Who's the man?
()
Post #: 7
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 8/19/2005 9:43:45 AM
It's bout time we give a brother some love. They can pimp his ride, corn row his hair and wouldn't it be fly to have Bond order A "remi martian shaken not, oh fuck it just gimmie the damn bottle!"
kayvon
why not murphy?
()
Post #: 8
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 8/19/2005 10:18:22 AM
He may seem a bit meek for the role, but he could wax debonaire with the best of them [read: wanks]. And he did kick some ass in 28 Days. But I guess McGregor would probably fit the role better. Hugh Grant probably has the VDs for the part, but I can't imagine him disabling baddies with anything more lethal than a dose of incisor. Watch it be Madonna. Or Renee Zellweger.
drs
Next Bond
()
Post #: 9
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 8/19/2005 10:18:49 AM
I'm probably in the minortity here, but I think Clive Owen would make a pretty believeable Bond.
kayvon
yomama
()
Post #: 10
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 8/19/2005 10:20:40 AM
Tracy Morgan beat you to the punch with LaMont Bond.
Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
– Sean Connery- Every one of his Bond movies is a classic! 
– George Lazenby – Only got one shot, but the Aussie Bond was as solid as he was in those 12 Emmanuelle movies.
– Pierce Brosnan – No good Bond movies but fit the character perfectly
– Roger Moore – Probably better as The Saint, but the Live and Let Die theme rocked!
– Timothy Dalton – Who?
– A little something extra for Peter Sellers as the not-exactly-a-real Bond in Casino Royale.
Hooray for the hard R-rating! I was stoked when Wedding Crashers came out with the soft R just for having, like two boob shots and four uses of the f-word, but in the very first scene of this movie you will know that Virgin never had any intention of being anything but a good old raunch fest, and you know that I love a dirty joke and some bare boobies more than anyone. But after seeing this film, I will go on record saying that no one should ever shave, wax, or trim any portion of their body or pubic hair. Since when did women stop liking real men, anyway? I’m guessing it was around the same time dudes starting getting a Queer Eye for The Straight Guy. 
I thought this was gonna be a sweet porno staring Peter North and Lilly Thai. You know ole Napalm couldn’t pass on a flick with Balzac in the title. Plus, I love when those tight girls from the Far East get it on with dudes that are hung like those Budweiser horses. So, I sat in the theater for 20 minutes before I realized that Zhon was never going to get naked, no matter how bad I wanted it, because this was a political movie about the Chinese Cultural Revolution. 
As I said last week, this movie has nothing to do with the classic Japanese bukkake film of the same name, which I might add was much more entertaining than this one. This movie is about as fun as passing a Dorito-shaped gallstone. 
Chloe Sevigny literally chugs Vincent Gallo’s swimmers and man meat in an “omigod how did this bizarrely dark indie turn into a porno” scene. And i might be worth seeing for that alone. 
Maybe I am too old to get it, but I can easily see how this show would be any 18-30 year old's guilty pleasure in a heartbeat. In fact I almost bet that the teenage kids think this show is just cheesy garbage that they live everyday, but there is a certain level of wish fulfillment for us old farts in watching a bunch of pretty, scantily clad teens run around with out any real concerns in their lives except who is dating who. 
It’s monkey crap. No, for real. An ape shit in my CD case while I was doing a recon mission that was farmed out to me from MI-6 for British Intelligence. I had the CD laying out side my cover bag while I was on the mission in northwest Africa, and a monkey ran up and shit on it. I hadn’t even had a chance to listen to it yet. 
Posts: 
