The Best of The Phat Phree 2005

I know I haven't written much for the site in the last few months, but I have a good excuse. I've been working on the first Phat Phree book, which will come out in the fall of this coming year. I've been developing a sit-com with a few of the other TPP writers for 20th Century Fox. I've been working on a comedy album that we will release early next year. We launched Oscar Shitley's, the exclusive online retailer of all things Phat Phree. We are pitching several movie ideas to production companies here in LA. And I had to break in my new wife. So get off my back, slackers.

Anyway, none of that would have been possible if it wasn't for the overwhelming success of this site. And I don't say overwhelming like a marketing person would say it. I really mean it has been overwhelming, and that is thanks solely to the great and funny writers we are lucky enough to have here. Nostalgic year-end wrap ups certainly lend themselves to waxing poetic about how much everything has meant and what a great year it has been, but I will refrain from boring you with that sentimental ass grease. I would, however, like to thank all of you who come to the site everyday looking for a few moments of pleasure in your otherwise cripplingly boring workday. You are truly God's special creatures, and one day, when lil' Jesus finds you floating belly up in the bowl, He will flush you down The Holy Toilet and forget about you. But until then, we'll be here to brighten your days.

Let's look at the numbers:

This is the 1,923rd item submitted since we launched the Phat Phree internally in January, and if my math is right, we have published somewhere in the neighborhood of 1,000 of those pieces since our official launch February 15th. That's a lot of funny shit, and it made my effort to select the best 50 very difficult. But it was also great fun. I've read pretty much everything that has run, as well as all the crap that didn't, and I forgot just how clever and funny a lot of was. I based this list on popularity, ratings, emails, how much a piece got talked about, and simply how funny I thought it was. Why do I get to decide? Because I said so. Now finish your peas.

Enough already, let's get on with it:

Although it wasn't titled "TPP Undercover", this was the first "undercover" piece written. Brenda has been around since very early on, and her work speaks for itself. Often sparking heated debates in the comments and always heavily emailed, there is no denying she brings the goods. And as much as the girls get picked on by the readers, Brenda is the only one with the sand to let it slide off of her back and keep submitting funny work.

An open apology letter to an upset wife, this article had me rolling when I first read it last month, and again when I read it while making this list. My favorite line: And when I was lucky enough to snare a prize such as yourself, little did I realize what a great package deal I was getting. By that, I mean your family, of course.

Perhaps I am just a little biased because I also have a love of Toyota's Mid-90's stylings, albeit in my case for the Camry, but this article really brings it home.

On the tricked out Honda Civic: I m sure the 112 horses that that bad boy cranks out press your oversized sterling silver crucifix/dragon/Japanese symbol meaning pimp against your chest as you roar from 0-60 in an astonishing 18.4 seconds.

The first of several appearances on this list by a Mr. Mike Polk, this fake news story about the discovery of a less than ambiguous homosexual relationship taught us all that giving your nephew a globe as a gift might mean your are gay.

This hilariously biting satirical look at the hypocrisy of bible thumping hate mongers, might be my favorite fake news article of the year. How you get from this premise to a closing line like: On a related note, Keegan is assured that gay cows taste "about the same" as straight cows. is simply great comedy.

The official Dean of Sports here at the Phat Phree, Jesse brings an amazing wealth of sports knowledge, great writing, and an onxy-black sense of humor to the table. He's been known to say, "I'm not much of a comedy writer. I write about sports." But I beg to differ. This piece is an example of how some great "takes" and a razor sharp wit make for hilarious reading.

My favorite part of this article was the response from the supposed "whore" in question: "Yes Chad, I did cheat on you. He had more money, better looks, and didn't have a problem with pre-mature ejaculation. Don t blame me because you're a gullible man-bitch. You wish you had me back. I know this you know this and now all of your pathetic writer (and I use that tern loosely) friends know this."

Hey, how did I get roped into this? Pathetic writer friends? What the hell?!

About halfway through the 2005 MLB season, the steriod issue was on the tip of everyone's tongue. But no one, probably for fear of a lawsuit, could come out and say who was a cheater and who wasn't. That is no one but The Phat Phree. Matt McCoy analyzed the facts, crunched some numbers, and put his neck out there: These guys cheated. And initially he caught some flack for it. But it was just about a month later that Mr. McCoy was vindicated when Rafael Palmero tested positive for Steriods. Who called it? Matt McCoy did.

It didn't take long for the writers to get fed up with the commenters. I'm not sure what kind of comments we thought we were going to get on site that basically spews humorous hate five days a week, but I hope no one was expecting to get flowers in the mail. Anyway, following a less than positive response to a song Big Ed posted about feminine products, which probably deserved the pounding it received, Ed decided that he would respond for all the writers who felt wronged. And it was damn funny.

Pat is a political cartoonist by day, but he showed with this fake news piece that he was capable of much more. We hope to get more of his writing next year, as well as our first original comic strip. Maybe it should be about the family that 'gang dumps' at Sizzler.

Chris Browne is perhaps better known for his work at Crapient Technologies, but it was this Sports/Fake News piece that scored him a place on the list. It was a great concept with a strong follow through. And I'd guess that NBC would be very happy with the ratings. They might even bring back the Triple-Cast.

This article had me laughing before I even clicked to read it. It is exactly the kind of ridiculous story that a local paper would run, minus the horse killing of course. And the goddamn photo is perfect.

"It seems like it was only yesterday that my father was by my side, steadying my arm, helping me line up the shot gun to blow the brains out of that first horse. That s a memory I ll treasure until my dying day.

This piece, written by a recently dumped husband, really puts things in perspective. It's only when you step away from a situation that you can really see how a person can twist things that happened, and blow them WAY out of proportion.

This guy should consider himself luck to be rid of her. Women...

Smart and funny is a rare beast, but Martone managed to pull it off in this fake news piece about the traslation of a popular Christian alagory into Arabic. The "translated" book covers are just icing on the cake.

In a scene not in the original novel, the Calormen then sweep across the continent, from Archenland to the Eastern Ocean, ushering in a golden age lasting four centuries, leading to a renaissance in mathematics, astronomy, and non-representative art.

Walt Disney created many lovable characters. One of the most famous is Jiminy Cricket. Walt and the boys named this little cricket a JC name so we would know he was a metaphor for Christ in the tale of a puppet who longs to be a real boy. The funny thing is, we would have known anyway. They are the two most boring do-gooder characters in all of modern fiction.

Jiminy, do us all a favor: Next time you re rubbing your little cricket legs together to keep me awake at night, rub a little harder, slit your wrists, and put yourself out of your misery.

What happens when being a "fuck buddy" is still too much of a relationship? Take a page from Ben and try this line:

I hope you know I treasure one aspect of our relationship. I just don t want to lead you on, but I can t be buddies with someone who only eats finger sandwiches and cock.

Scott joined The Phat Phree from the legions of I Wanna Be A Writer emails we recieve each week, and he quickly became one of the most consistently funny people on the staff. His ability to break down situations and people is showcased here in this detailed exploration of the House Party.

Internet-Quasi-Celebrity, and one of People's Most Eligible Bachelors brought us this hilarious piece that proposed a quite ingenius solution to America's short attention span regarding terrorists.

The government is going to have to give these bad guys Americanized names, or at the very least, cool nicknames. For example, when you say "Chemical Ali", I know who you're talking about. He's the guy who used all the chemicals on those defenseless Kurds, that son of a bitch. But if you ask me who Ali Hassan al-Majid is, I'm going to look at you funny and ask if you feel ok.

Ben Lambert, who I can only hope does not pronounce his name the same way as Christopher Lambert, wrote this tribute to the men who work hard and play harder.

If it were not for the Happy Hour hero, who would call you at 7:30 p.m. and remind you that you are, indeed, a pussy.

An admittedly large man, Hagges gives you the tricks of the Chinese Buffet trade. From scouting to dessert, this guide will help you maximize your experience and your waistline.

Every Chinese buffet offers, for some reason, sweet fried dough balls. They put these in the main dish area, but do not be fooled: they re donut holes. Why are they there? Nobody knows. But look this gift horse in the mouth at your peril.

Another in the long line of helpful tips from The Phat Phree, this, the first piece from Juan Turlington, tells you how to raise your child to appropriately fear you. It's called Ultimate Parental Championship.

Each beating, I mean match, will have a lesson. I ll compose a giant list of them. Keep your eye on the ball. Give your best effort. Believe in yourself. Stay the fuck away from your sister s dolls.

Another piece from Hagges- this one from all the way back in May. This break down of what your car says about you struck a nerve with some people. Just as it was meant to do.

"Preppy Jerk" (ex: Saab, Audi) Relative of the Pretentious Cocksucker, but not quite as pretentious, or as much of a cocksucker. Driver is still wearing docksiders and a pink sweater tied around his or her neck. Not as aggressive as the Cocksucker, but just as likely to be abusive to a valet.

This response to the backlash cause by Matthew's previous piece, "Only 3 Dicks Away from 10,000th Blowjob", was hilarious. Few people have inspired such heated wars in the comments section, but Mr. Hannigan did so several times.

This story about defeating Columbia House was one of the reasons I decided to start up the Phat Phree. Everyone who had heard this story demanded a copy of the commercial to show their friends when retelling it. Finally, I just decided to put it online.

I only wish we could have taken it further...

The Terry Schiavo debate was seemingly all you heard about for months at the start of the year. Following her death, Jim Fath wrote this article satirizing the shameful specticle it had become, and at the same time our facination meaningless streaks.

"Terri was like the Cal Ripken Jr. of Hospice